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••

♥

Dogs are the leaders of the planet.
If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop,
the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume
is in charge. --Jerry Seinfeld--

 

••

A little girl says, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister."
Trying to be funny, the daddy says,"Honey, you do have a
sister"
"I do?" questions the confused little girl.
"Sure," responds the dad.
"You just don't see her because when you are coming in the
front door, she is always leaving through the back door"
 The little girl gave this a few moments thought and
remarked........"You mean like my other Daddy does?"
 

••
Sam knelt in the confessional and said,
"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."
"What is it, child?"
"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity.
Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself
how handsome I am."
 The priest turned, took a good look at Sam and said,
"Sam, I have good news.
That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."

 

••

One Monday morning a man goes to his bank manager and
says "I'd like to start a small business how do I go about it?"
 The bank manager leans back and clasps his hands together
on his gut and replies "Buy a big one and wait."

 

••

You Might Be An Internet Addict If...
>You step out of your room and realize that your parents
have moved and you don't have a clue as to when it
happened.
>Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.
>You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling,
like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
>You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com"
>Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you
see a new WWW site address on TV.
>You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you
can hear if new e-mail arrives.

 

••

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King.......
and got one.

 

••

The President was awakened one night by an urgent call
from the Pentagon.
"Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely to
contain himself, "there's good news and bad news."
"Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad
news first."
"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures
from another planet."
"Gosh, and the good news?"
"The good news, sir, is that they eat
reporters & piss oil."

 

••

Something to ponder over the weekend;
How can there be self-help "groups"?

 

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••

♥

Two horses were galloping along when one stumbled and
landed on its side.
After a number of tries the tumbled equine finally regained
his footing, but when he tried to run to catch up to his buddy
he found he couldn't even trot.
Calling after his friend he neighed, "I've fallen and I can't
giddy-up!"

 

••

I was at the airport and it is so cold out there that to keep
warm, the TSA agents were actually putting their hands in
their own pants.

 

••

Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That depends on whether it has health insurance.

 

••

George meets his best friend Michael  in the street and is
very excited.
Asked why, George tells Michael that he has heard of a
brilliant new brothel.
 "Why is it brilliant?" asks Michael. George says,
"Well you go in there at 9am, have all the sex you can
handle until 12:30, stop for a 3 course lunch, and have all
the sex you can cope with until 4.30pm.
Then you have chocolate cake and coffee and just as you
leave they give you $500 in your hand!"
 "Jesus!" says Michael.
"Where is this place?"
George says "I don't know, but I'll ask my wife tonight
when she comes home."

 

••

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a solar
powered calculator?
A: The blonde works in the dark!

 

••

Someone got offended by my bumper sticker.....
It said, "CAUTION: Blind Driver."
Lady got all upset and said it was offensive to blind people.
I said, "What's the problem? They can't see it anyhow."
So I just put my guide dog in the back and drove away.
She apparently couldn't see the humor in it all.

 

••

My father's father wanted to know if he could stay with the
company in spite of the many changes.
They ended up grandfathering him in.”

 

••

My wifes getting heavy. So we bought a King size bed.
I still have to sleep on the floor.

 

••

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have
no blood pumping through them, they can never have an
erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely, Logic.......

 

••

Q: What does a proud computer call his little son?
A: A microchip off the old block.

••••

••

 

••

♥

My psychiatrist says I'm manic-depressive ......
I have mixed feelings about that.

 

••

Lawyer to pregnant witness: "Do you know how far along
in your pregnancy you are now?"
"It'll be three months on April twelfth."
"Apparently then, the date of conception was around
January twelfth?"
"Yes, sir."
"And what were you doing at that time?"
"WELL... what do you think???"

 

••

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight
to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself
to lure more pirates to him.
Pirates never were very smart.

 

••

 The Smart Wife……
"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"
The woman asked her husband.
 "No"...said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4
buttons of her blouse...and slowly reached down into the
cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra...and pulled
out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
 He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her ...
and smiled approvingly.
"Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"...
she then asked her husband?
 "Uh...no, I haven't" ...he said (with an anxious tone in his
voice).
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt,
and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties...
and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
 He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.. and started breathing
a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now" ....she said. "Have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all
crumpled up?"
"No way" ...he said (while obviously becoming even more
aroused... and excited).
 "Well go look in the garage!"...she said.

 

••

How can you tell.... If your girlfriend is a redneck?
Instead of lipstick stains on your collar it's Copenhagen
stains......

 

••

On a beautiful sunny...Saturday afternoon, Jack stood on
the first tee at his country club.
He had just pulled out his driver when a young woman in
a wedding gown came running up to him, crying.
 She slaps him in the face, turns and runs away.
He turns to his golfing buddy and says calmly, 
"I don't know what her problem is.
I distinctly told her only if it rained."

 

••

“People are choosing cremation over traditional burial.
It shows that they are thinking out of the box.”

 

••

The last time I checked into a New York hotel, I opened the
door to my room and found a pair of beautiful
twenty-one-year-old naked twins stretched out on the bed.
"Surprise," the twins say in unison," we're a gift from your
friend Dave."
"Young ladies," I said, "I am one of the most respected men in
my field.
I have been married for twenty years.
I have a wonderful family that I love very much.
I have never been touched by a word of scandal;
my good name is above reproach.
I am sorry, but one of you will have to leave!"

 

••

"I don't understand the point of lap-dancing clubs.
If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually
frustrate me, I'd stay at home with the wife!"

 

••

What do you do when an epileptic has a seizure in the
bath tub?..... Throw in the wash.

 

••••

 

 

••

 

••

♥

Two political candidates were having a hot debate.
Finally, one of them jumped up and yelled at the other,
"What about the powerful interest that controls you?"
 And the other guy screamed back,
"You leave my wife out of this!"

 

••

A Buddhist approaches a hotdog vendor and says:
"Make me one with everything."
He gives the vendor a $20 bill and waits.
Finally he says: "Where's my change?"
Says the vendor: "All change must come from within."

 

••

Q: What do you get if you cross a dog and a cheetah?
A: A dog that chases cars - and catches them!

 

••

Little Johnny... comes home from his first day of school. 
His mother asks, “What did you learn in school today?”
Little Johnny replies, “Not much.
They want me back tomorrow.

 

••

Astonishing how many bottles of wine fit in a single glass.

 

••

One evening after office, I drove my secretary home since
her car would not start.
I decided not to bother my wife, Jane, so did not mention
it to her.
Later that night, I was driving out with Jane to eat when
the I noticed a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger
seat.
Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract
my wife, I picked up the shoe and tossed it out of my
window.
We arrived at the restaurant a short time later, and were
about to get out of the car when Jane asked, 'John, have
you seen my other shoe?

 

••

God is great, he took a rib from adam and made a loud
speaker.

 

••

Jock and a Englishman were flying from Edinburgh when the
stewardess approached.
"May I get you something?" she asked.
"Aye, a whusky" Jock replied.
She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman if he'd
like one.
"Never!" he said sternly.
"I'd rather be raped and ravished by wh*res all the way to
America than drink whisky!"
Jock hurriedly passed the drink back, saying "Och,
Ah didna ken there wuz a choice!"

 

••

Why couldn't the pig remember where he lived?
He had ham-nesia.

 

••

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country
road.
The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned
about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned
in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft.
As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed
with shock, his young blond attendant nonchalantly filled
up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.
"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner
finally uttered.
"Yeah," said the blond attendant.
"So?" "Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant.
"So?" "Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that
vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant.... "So?"
"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"
The blonde attendant rolled his eyes.
"Good grief, boss! I've been working here for six years.
Of course I know what 'UFO' means.... 'Unleaded Fuel Only.'

 

••

Q: What do you get if you cross a dog and a lion?
A: A terrified postman!
••••

••

 

••

♥

Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair
on the Titanic...

 

••

Have you ever heard that business about raw oysters being
good for a man's virility?
 Well, take it from me, it's BS.
I ate a dozen of them last night and only 9 of them worked.

 

••

A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to
see what his options were.
Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant.
The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any
hearts immediately available, considering that money was
no object.
"I do have three hearts," said the doctor.
"The first is from an 18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic,
swimmer, with a great diet.
He hit his head on the swimming pool and died.
It's $100,000. The second is from a marathon runner,
25 years old, great condition, very strong.
He got hit by a bus.
It's $150,000.
The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, steak lover.
It's $500,000."
"Hey, why is that heart so expensive?
He lived a terrible life!"
"Yes, but it's from a laywer...... It's never been used."

 

••

So I haven't spoken to my wife in over 18 months.
She hates being interrupted.

 

••

I have just figured out WHY I have gained so much weight!
The shampoo I use in the shower everyday, that runs down
my body, says “for EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY.” !!
 I think I will be going to the store tomorrow to buy some
DAWN Dishwashing Liquid to wash with, because it says:
“DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO
REMOVE" !

••
“What do you call a spittoon in a wine bar?
Grape expectorations.”

 

••

You might be a Redneck if...
* Your momma has ever stomped into the house and

 announced........
* "The feud is back on!"
* There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
* Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
* Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
* Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.
* Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."
* The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
*  Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
* You picked your teeth from a catalog.

 

••

There is always a little truth behind every just kidding.

••••