••
♥
My psychiatrist says I'm manic-depressive ......
I have mixed feelings about that.
I have mixed feelings about that.
••
Lawyer to pregnant witness: "Do you know how far along
in your pregnancy you are now?"
"It'll be three months on April twelfth."
"Apparently then, the date of conception was around
January twelfth?"
"Yes, sir."
"And what were you doing at that time?"
"WELL... what do you think???"
in your pregnancy you are now?"
"It'll be three months on April twelfth."
"Apparently then, the date of conception was around
January twelfth?"
"Yes, sir."
"And what were you doing at that time?"
"WELL... what do you think???"
••
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight
to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself
to lure more pirates to him.
Pirates never were very smart.
to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself
to lure more pirates to him.
Pirates never were very smart.
••
The Smart Wife……
"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"
The woman asked her husband.
"No"...said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4
buttons of her blouse...and slowly reached down into the
cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra...and pulled
out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her ...
and smiled approvingly.
"Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"...
she then asked her husband?
"Uh...no, I haven't" ...he said (with an anxious tone in his
voice).
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt,
and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties...
and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.. and started breathing
a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now" ....she said. "Have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all
crumpled up?"
"No way" ...he said (while obviously becoming even more
aroused... and excited).
"Well go look in the garage!"...she said.
"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"
The woman asked her husband.
"No"...said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4
buttons of her blouse...and slowly reached down into the
cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra...and pulled
out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her ...
and smiled approvingly.
"Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"...
she then asked her husband?
"Uh...no, I haven't" ...he said (with an anxious tone in his
voice).
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt,
and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties...
and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.. and started breathing
a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now" ....she said. "Have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all
crumpled up?"
"No way" ...he said (while obviously becoming even more
aroused... and excited).
"Well go look in the garage!"...she said.
••
How can you tell.... If your girlfriend is a redneck?
Instead of lipstick stains on your collar it's Copenhagen
stains......
Instead of lipstick stains on your collar it's Copenhagen
stains......
••
On a beautiful sunny...Saturday afternoon, Jack stood on
the first tee at his country club.
He had just pulled out his driver when a young woman in
a wedding gown came running up to him, crying.
She slaps him in the face, turns and runs away.
He turns to his golfing buddy and says calmly,
"I don't know what her problem is.
I distinctly told her only if it rained."
the first tee at his country club.
He had just pulled out his driver when a young woman in
a wedding gown came running up to him, crying.
She slaps him in the face, turns and runs away.
He turns to his golfing buddy and says calmly,
"I don't know what her problem is.
I distinctly told her only if it rained."
••
“People are choosing cremation over traditional burial.
It shows that they are thinking out of the box.”
It shows that they are thinking out of the box.”
••
The last time I checked into a New York hotel, I opened the
door to my room and found a pair of beautiful
twenty-one-year-old naked twins stretched out on the bed.
"Surprise," the twins say in unison," we're a gift from your
friend Dave."
"Young ladies," I said, "I am one of the most respected men in
my field.
I have been married for twenty years.
I have a wonderful family that I love very much.
I have never been touched by a word of scandal;
my good name is above reproach.
I am sorry, but one of you will have to leave!"
door to my room and found a pair of beautiful
twenty-one-year-old naked twins stretched out on the bed.
"Surprise," the twins say in unison," we're a gift from your
friend Dave."
"Young ladies," I said, "I am one of the most respected men in
my field.
I have been married for twenty years.
I have a wonderful family that I love very much.
I have never been touched by a word of scandal;
my good name is above reproach.
I am sorry, but one of you will have to leave!"
••
"I don't understand the point of lap-dancing clubs.
If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually
frustrate me, I'd stay at home with the wife!"
If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually
frustrate me, I'd stay at home with the wife!"
••
What do you do when an epileptic has a seizure in the
bath tub?..... Throw in the wash.
bath tub?..... Throw in the wash.
••••
