••

••

♥

"A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, 

loyalty, and the importance of turning around 

three times before lying down."

••

After drinking, Men talk unnecessarily, 

Become emotional, Drive badly, 

Stop thinking, Fight for nothing....

Women can do all these without drinking!

••

Me and the wife stopped at Starbucks recently for 

some breakfast. 

We got two egg sandwiches, two coffees and two 

jelly donuts doughnuts. 

I got to the cashier and I said, "I'm sorry, but I 

only have a $50 bill" 

"That's okay," she said, "just put the doughnuts 

back." 

••

On our very first day at a new resort, my wife and 

I decided to hit the beach. 

I went back to the room to get something to drink 

and found one of the hotel maids was making up 

the bed. 

I grabbed my cooler and was on my way back out 

when I stopped at the door and asked, "Can we 

drink beer on the beach?" 

"Sure," the maid replied, "but I have to finish the 

rest of the rooms first." 

••

"I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that 

you're retired?' 

Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical 

engineering background and one of the things I 

enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whiskey 

into urine. 

It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. 

I do it every day and I really enjoy it." 

••

Drinking alcohol before pregnancy 

can cause pregnancy. 

••

Cyber sex is not as easy as it looks. 

Perhaps I should have picked a less crowded 

Starbucks. 

••

My birth certificate ...... 

Is a letter of apology that my dad got from the 

condom company…

••

I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at 

before you take up bird watching. 

••

"I have good news and bad news," a defense 

attorney told his client. 

"First the bad news: 

The blood test came back, and your DNA is an 

exact match with the sample found on the victim's 

dress." 

"Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. 

"What's the good news?" 

"Your cholesterol is down to 140!" 

••••

••

What happens when shoes gets nailed to floor....

••

♥

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. 

You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, 

chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, 

marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, 

but, he, "made the dinner." 

••

Dammit Springsteen, I was born in the USA too... 

but you don't see me making millions in monthly 

residuals from a 20 year old song about it. 

••

Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, 

I'm now being asked to audition for Riverdance. 

••

Best bar pick-up line in Kentucky: 

"Hey, you don't sweat much for a fat broad." 

••

True Fact: If you write a suicide note that 

rhymes, it also works as a country-western song. 

••

I joined a gym recently. 

I don't have the best history in the world of 

sticking with my fitness regimens, but I feel like 

this times gonna be different. 

I figure one of two things is gonna happen: 

either Ill get into shape, or Ill just resign myself 

to paying an \$85 a month fat tax. 

••

Having an intelligent conversation with my

17 year old son. 

Just kidding. 

He's making fart noises while I talk about the 

SATs. 

••

I like messing with Texas by calling random

numbers in Houston and telling them I have a

problem. 

••

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. 

What you spend half an hour writing, then forget 

to take with you to the store. 

••

When I got divorced, we split the house. 

I got the outside... 

••••

♦♦

Horny Cat.....

Cool Dudes.....

••

♥

"My uncle ran for Senate last year." 

"Really? What does he do now?" 

"Nothing. 

He got elected."

••

The first-time father, beside himself with 

excitement over the birth of his son, was 

determined to do everything right. 

"So, tell me, Nurse," he asked as his new 

family headed out the hospital door, 

"what time should we wake the little guy 

in the morning?"

••

Somewhere an elderly lady reads a book

on how to use the internet...

while a young boy googles "how to read a book." 

••

"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out 

of your glass."

       -- Martin Mull

••

I was reading an article last night about fathers 

and sons, and memories came flooding back of 

the time I took my son out for his first pint.

Off we went to our local pub which is only two 

blocks from the house.

I got him a Guinness. 

He didn't like it – so I drank it.

Then I got him a Budweiser, he didn't like it, 

so I drank it.

it was the same with the Molson's and the Labatt's.

By the time we got down to the Tullamore Dew,

I could hardly push the stroller back home.

••

The worst part about blind dates is trying to 

find a restaurant with menus in braille. 

••

Titanic was about to sink. 

People on the ship were shouting, crying, running 

and praying to God - just then a passenger had 

the following conversation with the captain. 

Passenger: How far is land, from here? 

Captain: Two miles... 

Passenger: Only two miles, then why these fools 

are making noise. 

I have the experience of swimming even more. 

Captain: .....???? 

Passenger: Just tell me in which direction, land 

is two miles from here? 

Captain: Downward... 

••

I've got a black eye, a $200 fine and 

I've been listed on a register...turns out taking 

candy from a baby wasn't so easy after all. 

••

Three men are discussing their previous night's 

lovemaking. 

The Italian says, "My wife, I rubbed her all over 

with fine olive oil, then we make wonderful love. 

She screamed for five minutes." 

The Frenchman says, "I smooth sweet butter on 

my wife's body, then we made passionate love. 

She screamed for 20 minutes." 

The Jew says, "I covered my wife's body with 

schmaltz [chicken fat]. 

We made love and she screamed for six hours." 

The others say, "SIX HOURS? 

How did you make her scream for six hours?" 

He shrugs. "I wiped my hands on the drapes." 

••

I can almost always tell if a movie doesn't use 

real dinosaurs.

•• 

I'll always remember the day my wife said "yes" to 

my proposal. 

And I'll never forget that it was the last thing we 

ever agreed on. 

••••

••

But he looks so Cool....

Care for a hot dog?

••

♥

"That's the trouble with a politician's life-

somebody is always interrupting it with an 

election."

       -- Will Rogers

••

Going to Arizona in 2 weeks. 

Better bring my passport in case I accidentally get 

a tan. 

••

People always demand to know who farted as if 

they'll decide how disgusted to be based on who's 

responsible. 

••

When you are down in the dumps and think you 

have real problems, just remember: 

SOMEWHERE IN THIS WORLD, THERE IS A 

POOR BASTARD NAMED.. 

MR. PELOSI! 

••

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting 

for their bus. 

The buses were running late, and a lot of time 

passed. 

Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, 

"You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt 

fell asleep!'. 

The other woman turned to her and said 

"I know! I heard it snoring!" 

••

“I had an account with a bank in the North Pole, 

but they froze all my assets.”

••

All shoes are technically buy one get one free.

••

People assume when I yawn that I've lost 

interest in what they have to say but truth be told, 

I was never interested. 

••

Groaner.....

Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of 

them dropped his wallet. 

As they watched the wallet float down to the 

depths of the lake, a carp came along and 

snatched up the wallet. 

Soon came another carp who stole it away and 

then a third joined in. 

Remarked one of the fisherman, "That's the first 

time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."

••

Asking this blind guy at the restaurant if he once 

masturbated too much didn't quite draw the laughs 

I'd hoped for....

••

One Friday night, a 13-year-old boy went into a 

bar and sat down at a table in the corner of the 

pool room. 

When the waitress walked over to his table, 

the teenager said: "Gimme a beer." 

The waitress eyed him for a moment and said: 

"Look, sonny..... Do you want to get me in trouble?" 

The boy glanced back at her and replied: "Maybe 

later. 

Right now all I want is a beer." 

••

"You're never alone.":

A phrase that's maybe cute to find in a love note, 

but horrifying to find smeared on a fogged up 

bathroom mirror. 

••••

#2480

••

Chicken cover for iphone....

••

♥

Whenever a stranger asked Little Johnny his 

name, he would reply: “ I am Jim Brown’s son.” 

His mother overheard him one day, and started 

to correct him. 

“ You should not say that. 

Give your real name.” 

A few days later someone asked him, 

“ Aren’t you Jim Brown’s son?” 

“ I thought I was, but Mother says I’m not.” 

••

Lynn saz: 

I carry a magnum size condom in my purse like 

a modern day glass slipper. 

Some day my prince will come.

••

This medicine says I should not operate heavy 

machinery, so I guess I won't be doing laundry 

for the next two weeks. 

Safety first...

•• 

Dear smartphone owners, that blurred bit at the 

edge of the screen is called life. 

••

NASA

Sent a shuttle into space with two monkeys and 

an astronaut on board. 

After months of training, they placed all three in

the shuttle and prepared for launch. 

Mission Control Center announced, "This is 

Mission Control to Monkey One. 

Do your stuff." 

The first monkey began frantically typing and the 

shuttle took off. 

Two hours later, NASA's mission control center 

announced, "This is Mission Control to Monkey 

Two. 

Do your stuff." 

The second monkey started typing like mad and 

the shuttle separated from the empty fuel tanks. 

Another two hours later Mission Control Center 

announced, "This is Mission Control to Astronaut... " 

At this, the astronaut shouted "I know, I know -- 

feed the monkeys and don't touch anything." 

••

Can you believe this guy watching porn on the 

bus over my shoulder?

•• 

The thing about Workaholics Anonymous is... 

if you have time to come to the meetings, 

you don't really have a problem. 

••

At the planetarium with my family.

I think my wife was surprised to discover she's 

not the center of the universe. 

••

If procrastination was an Olympic sport, 

I'd compete in it...later.

••

All men approve of premarital sex... 

until they have a daughter.

••••