What happens when shoes gets nailed to floor....
••
♥
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n.
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce,
chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions,
marinated the meat and cleaned everything up,
but, he, "made the dinner."
••
Dammit Springsteen, I was born in the USA too...
but you don't see me making millions in monthly
residuals from a 20 year old song about it.
••
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short,
I'm now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
••
Best bar pick-up line in Kentucky:
"Hey, you don't sweat much for a fat broad."
••
True Fact: If you write a suicide note that
rhymes, it also works as a country-western song.
••
I joined a gym recently.
I don't have the best history in the world of
sticking with my fitness regimens, but I feel like
this times gonna be different.
I figure one of two things is gonna happen:
either Ill get into shape, or Ill just resign myself
to paying an \$85 a month fat tax.
••
Having an intelligent conversation with my
17 year old son.
Just kidding.
He's making fart noises while I talk about the
SATs.
••
I like messing with Texas by calling random
numbers in Houston and telling them I have a
problem.
••
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
What you spend half an hour writing, then forget
to take with you to the store.
••
When I got divorced, we split the house.
I got the outside...
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