Horny Cat.....
Cool Dudes.....
••
♥
"My uncle ran for Senate last year."
"Really? What does he do now?"
"Nothing.
He got elected."
••
The first-time father, beside himself with
excitement over the birth of his son, was
determined to do everything right.
"So, tell me, Nurse," he asked as his new
family headed out the hospital door,
"what time should we wake the little guy
in the morning?"
••
Somewhere an elderly lady reads a book
on how to use the internet...
while a young boy googles "how to read a book."
••
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out
of your glass."
-- Martin Mull
••
I was reading an article last night about fathers
and sons, and memories came flooding back of
the time I took my son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local pub which is only two
blocks from the house.
I got him a Guinness.
He didn't like it – so I drank it.
Then I got him a Budweiser, he didn't like it,
so I drank it.
it was the same with the Molson's and the Labatt's.
By the time we got down to the Tullamore Dew,
I could hardly push the stroller back home.
••
The worst part about blind dates is trying to
find a restaurant with menus in braille.
••
Titanic was about to sink.
People on the ship were shouting, crying, running
and praying to God - just then a passenger had
the following conversation with the captain.
Passenger: How far is land, from here?
Captain: Two miles...
Passenger: Only two miles, then why these fools
are making noise.
I have the experience of swimming even more.
Captain: .....????
Passenger: Just tell me in which direction, land
is two miles from here?
Captain: Downward...
••
I've got a black eye, a $200 fine and
I've been listed on a register...turns out taking
candy from a baby wasn't so easy after all.
••
Three men are discussing their previous night's
lovemaking.
The Italian says, "My wife, I rubbed her all over
with fine olive oil, then we make wonderful love.
She screamed for five minutes."
The Frenchman says, "I smooth sweet butter on
my wife's body, then we made passionate love.
She screamed for 20 minutes."
The Jew says, "I covered my wife's body with
schmaltz [chicken fat].
We made love and she screamed for six hours."
The others say, "SIX HOURS?
How did you make her scream for six hours?"
He shrugs. "I wiped my hands on the drapes."
••
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn't use
real dinosaurs.
••
I'll always remember the day my wife said "yes" to
my proposal.
And I'll never forget that it was the last thing we
ever agreed on.
••••
