••

What.....?

"Kids don't try this at home"

••

♥

"Politics is not the art of the possible. 

It consists in choosing between the disastrous and 

the unpalatable."

       -- John Kenneth Galbraith

••

Dateline Washington:

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — The war 

between Congress and the White House took a turn 

for the worse on Friday as House Republicans sought 

to prevent President Obama from ordering new office 

supplies. 

The House panel that mandated the office-supply 

freeze denied that it was politically motivated, citing 

“budgetary concerns.” 

“It’s time President Obama learned a tough lesson,” 

House Speaker John Boehner told reporters. 

“Being President does not entitle you to a spending 

spree at Staples.” 

At the White House, the President blasted the 

Republicans’ move to strip him of legal pads, pencils, 

and other office essentials, calling it “just their latest 

attempt to keep me from doing my job.” 

In an Oval Office appearance, a visibly irritated 

President Obama showed reporters a nearly empty 

supply cabinet and said, “They have manufactured 

this crisis,” noting that he will be out of paper clips 

and Post-its by August.

••

What do you call a cow that won't give milk? 

A milk dud! 

••

"No! Don't go into the church! NOOOO!" 

"Honey, what movie are you watching?" 

"Our wedding video."      

••

Two old friends met again while standing in a 

meandering line at a wedding reception. 

Chatting away, they were surprised when they were 

each only handed a cup of frothy pink liquid. 

"Don't we get any food?" one of the pair asked. 

"Food is that straight line over there. 

This is the punch line."

••

I crossed a pit bull with a french poodle. 

He's not much of a guard dog, but he's one 

hell of a vicious gossip. 

••

Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes 

about the Moon, and follow them up with "Ah, 

I guess you had to be there." 

••

I got in trouble at the local park 

for lining all the squirrels up in order of height, 

they didn't like me critter sizing. 

••

I'm not saying your cat doesn't care about you, 

I'm saying if Lassie was a cat, Timmy would still be in 

that well. 

••

I swapped my wife's tampons with party poppers. 

Absolutely no sense of humor that girl. 

••

I think these bikers are coming over to give me a 

group hug because they like the Hello Kitty stickers 

I put all over their motorcycles. 

••••

••

 bet that felt good.....

••

♥

"There is no reciprocity. Men love women, women 

love children, children love hamsters."

       -- Alice Thomas Ellis

••

Doctor administers experimental anti-bad joke serum… 

"How do you feel?" 

"With my hands." 

"Let's give it a minute."

••

I purposely park three feet away from the 

drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get 

in their daily stretches. 

••

I was going to spend the next 6 years studying 

medicine to become a doctor. 

Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to 

save lives. 

••

I Couldn't believe the length of the line outside the 

Apple store today. 

Hundreds of pathetic losers being applauded for 

lining up for an overpriced product they have been 

conditioned to want...... idiots. 

Sent from my iPhone 5s 

••

Teachers at the pre-school ask why I'm in a good 

mood in the morning… 

I'm like, "Duh...did you not see me just leave my kids 

with you?" 

••

A guy goes to his pharmacy and asks for a pack 

of Viagra. 

"Do you have a prescription?" the pharmacist asks. 

"No, but here's a picture of my wife," he replied. 

••

The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision 

is the fact that people working in a craft store are 

getting laid more than I am......

••

Bought candy at the movies and suddenly I can't 

pay this month's rent anymore. 

••

If you worry that you aren't creative,

buy a gym membership and see how many excuses 

you find not to use it.  

••

Headed to the gym. 

Gonna work on my diptroids.  

My gluteralids.

My quadrapeps. 

Maybe my trapaceptals. 

Definitely my vocabulary.....

••

Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so 

when someone asks about my day, I don’t have to say 

“Netflix and avoiding responsibilities." 

♦♦♦♦

•ºº•

Snake cake.....

••

♥

"Nobody knows the age of the human race, 

but everybody agrees that it is old enough to 

know better."

••

A graduate with a science degree asks, 

"Why does it work?" 

A graduate with an engineering degree asks, 

"How does it work?" 

A graduate with an accounting degree asks, 

"How much it cost?" 

A graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, 

"Do you want fries with that?"

••

A man, seeking to lose some of his excess weight, 

visited the local doctor.

John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?

Doctor: Of course! Cut your head off.

••

My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from 

the market. 

I went and looked around and couldn't find any. 

So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, 

"These vegetables are for my wife. 

Have they been sprayed with any poisonous 

chemicals?" 

The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. 

You'll have to do that yourself."  

••

Your lips are so chapped, I can hear you smile. 

••

I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some

strands were more important than others. 

••

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to 

his doctor for a complete check-up. 

Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. 

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the 

doctor says. 

"You're dying, and you don't have much time 

left." 

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. 

"How long have I got?" 

"Ten," the doctor says sadly. 

"Ten?" the man asks. 

"Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" 

The doctor interrupts, "Nine..."  

••

The worst is when you text someone and they text you 

back 2 hrs later but you already keyed their car and 

emailed their secrets to everyone.

••

Some people are down to earth while others are 

not quite far down enough. 

••

Ladies, don't tell me you care about the 

environment if you don't support my "Share a 

Shower" water conservation program.

••••

# 2420

••

••

♥

"Sure there are dishonest men in local government. 

But there are dishonest men in national government 

too."

       -- Richard M. Nixon

••

The guy who discovered milk... 

just what exactly was he doing with that cow? 

••

I just found a whip, a mask, and handcuffs 

in my mom's bedroom, 

I can't believe it, she's a superhero! 

••

"Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a 

lot of expense and aggravation later in life."

       -- Robert Byrne

••

The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat. 

It's watching what other people eat. 

••

What lies on its back, a hundred feet in the air 

a dead centipede. 

•• 

I has a question;

Q: If there were 4 potatoes in a room, which 

one would be the prostitute? 

A: The one that's labeled "IDAHO" 

••

I don't think playing catch with the kid was the problem 

so much as the fact that I kept dropping him. 

••

Whenever I'm about to get in a bar fight, I give a karate 

bow to my opponent in hopes he gets scared and backs 

out before I piss myself. 

••

The depressing thing about tennis is that no 

matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good 

as a wall. 

••

I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity.

••••

••

Ahh, yes the tooth fairy...

That was dumb....

••

♥

Early one morning an elderly retired Marine yelled to his 

wife: 

“Honey, come see what I created! 

It’s an abstract panorama depicting the 6 years of the 

Obama presidency” 

She yelled back: 

 “Flush the toilet and come eat your breakfast”

•• 

I use to believe the phrase quiet as a mouse until my 

wife stepped on one.

••

A man with one testicle finally goes to the doctor

He's ashamed of telling the doctor(male) about his 

condition directly so he whispers in the doctor's ear, 

"the sum of mine and your testicles is 3". 

The doctor looks at the man astonished and asks 

"You don't have any?".

••

"Once the game is over, the King and the pawn go back 

in the same box."

       -- Italian Proverb

••

In a moment of passion, Dora says to her 

husband Gary,  

“Have you ever thought what would have 

happened if I was married to someone else?”

Gary replies, “No, I can’t ever think ill of 

anyone.”

••

Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate Halloween... 

I guess they don't appreciate random strangers coming 

up to their doors. 

••

A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing 

control of a classroom. 

••

A newly married couple, Arun and Daisy, 

boarded a  train from Bombay to Delhi. 

They had Upper sleeper Berths on the

opposite sides of the compartment.

At night, Arun was feeling romantic, so he 

whispered to Daisy, "Come across here my 

love."

Daisy asked, "How do I get over to your side?"

Arun replied, "Have something stiff here that 

you can take support of and come to my side."

An old man in the lower berth, who was not 

getting any sleep, commented, "How on earth 

is she gonna get back??"

••

She left me alone in the house with cupcakes cooling. 

Rookie mistake. 

••

Thank you for calling customer support: 

My name is Habib Akmed Mufassa Osama Akmed Habib.

How may I misunderstand you and piss you off today?

•• 

You should have seen my dad's face when I 

took him to the eye doctor to operate on him 

for cataract. 

The doctor did everything he could to make 

him relax, but my dad's nervousness was at 

it's peak. 

The doctor kept reassuring him. 

I also stood next to him if it gave him any 

consolation. 

It was what the doctor said after finishing 

with his first eye, that made my Dad jump! 

The good doctor said, "Well, only one eye left."

••

Yes, I had camouflage parachute pants in the 80s, 

but in my defense, I was in the army's elite breakdancing 

unit.

••••