What.....?
"Kids don't try this at home"
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♥
"Politics is not the art of the possible.
It consists in choosing between the disastrous and
the unpalatable."
-- John Kenneth Galbraith
••
Dateline Washington:
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — The war
between Congress and the White House took a turn
for the worse on Friday as House Republicans sought
to prevent President Obama from ordering new office
supplies.
The House panel that mandated the office-supply
freeze denied that it was politically motivated, citing
“budgetary concerns.”
“It’s time President Obama learned a tough lesson,”
House Speaker John Boehner told reporters.
“Being President does not entitle you to a spending
spree at Staples.”
At the White House, the President blasted the
Republicans’ move to strip him of legal pads, pencils,
and other office essentials, calling it “just their latest
attempt to keep me from doing my job.”
In an Oval Office appearance, a visibly irritated
President Obama showed reporters a nearly empty
supply cabinet and said, “They have manufactured
this crisis,” noting that he will be out of paper clips
and Post-its by August.
••
What do you call a cow that won't give milk?
A milk dud!
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"No! Don't go into the church! NOOOO!"
"Honey, what movie are you watching?"
"Our wedding video."
••
Two old friends met again while standing in a
meandering line at a wedding reception.
Chatting away, they were surprised when they were
each only handed a cup of frothy pink liquid.
"Don't we get any food?" one of the pair asked.
"Food is that straight line over there.
This is the punch line."
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I crossed a pit bull with a french poodle.
He's not much of a guard dog, but he's one
hell of a vicious gossip.
••
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes
about the Moon, and follow them up with "Ah,
I guess you had to be there."
••
I got in trouble at the local park
for lining all the squirrels up in order of height,
they didn't like me critter sizing.
••
I'm not saying your cat doesn't care about you,
I'm saying if Lassie was a cat, Timmy would still be in
that well.
••
I swapped my wife's tampons with party poppers.
Absolutely no sense of humor that girl.
••
I think these bikers are coming over to give me a
group hug because they like the Hello Kitty stickers
I put all over their motorcycles.
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