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♥
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks
is to say "I'm bored, let's go brush your teeth!"
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I exercise a lot...I jump to conclusions, push my luck,
and dodge deadlines!
••
Something is wrong.....
I got my kid a back brace, knee brace and elbow brace.
He still can't play tennis like those actors on TV can
do with the same braces.
I guess I'll just have to pay for his tennis lessons.
Hell is an endless cycle of getting comfortable
in bed & then suddenly having to pee.
I hate grocery shopping.
That's why I just steal a full cart when somebody
turns away.
I never know what I'm getting, but it sure is faster.
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very
much worried and all strung out.
She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me.
When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in
the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up,
my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were
bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like
look on my face!
What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes,
then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't
nothing wrong with your eyesight....”
I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept
falling out.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?
My dad recently fell for one of those Nigerian
prince scam emails.
I feel bad for him but I really needed the money.
16-yr-old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD.
He said "Listen to it, it'll change your mind.
It did change my mind..... I used to like my nephew.
Nice try Jehovah's witnesses, but dressing up
like the police and saying you have a warrant isn't
going to get me to come to the door.
