••
♥
Pine scented air freshener is a waste.......
I just took a massive dump after last nights
Mexican buffet, now it just smells like a bear took
a shit in the woods..
••
Help; I'm reaching out on behalf of a friend of
mine who needs some help!
His wife told him to go out and get some of those
pills that would help him get an erection.
When he came back, he handed her some diet pills.
Anyway, he's looking for a place to live.
Can you help him?
••
"The desire to take medicine is perhaps the
greatest feature which distinguishes man from
animals."
-- Sir William Osler
••
Wife : Honey my stomach is getting bigger....
I think im pregnant !
Husband : yea, and I know who’s the father!!!!
Wife: who ?
Husband: McDonalds..
••
Ten things you should ALWAYS say to a woman
during an argument to shut her up!!.
Try it, it works.(hope ya live though it).....
1. "Don`t you have some laundry to do or
something?"
2. "Ohh, you are so cute when you get all pissed
off."
3. "You`re just upset because your ass is beginning
to spread."
4. "Wait a minute...I get it.
What time of the month is it?
5. "You sure you don`t want to consult the great
Oprah on this one?"
6. "Sorry. I was just picturing you naked."
7. "Whoa, time out honey.
Football is on."
8. "Looks like someone had an extra bowl of Bitch
Flakes this morning."
9. "Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?"
10. "Who are you kidding?
We both know that thing ain`t loaded."
••
Take my advice.... late at night, if you are
behind someone at an A.T.M., let them know that
you are not a 'threat' by giving them a gentle kiss
on their neck.
••
Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they're
making a cake.
Great mothers turn the mixer off first.
••
I accidentally opened the fitness app and
my phone immediately called to report itself stolen.
••
"Lead me not into temptation",
I'll get there just fine on my own!!
••
This blonde is at a club one night and to her
delight a ventriloquist was performing.
She watched mesmerized at the way this man
could skillfully operate the dummy's mouth
and hands while all the while making it look
like it could speak.
Later, when the ventriloquist went on break,
she followed him to his dressing room to tell
him how much she admired his work.
"If show business interest you, I could use a
pretty face like yours in my act" he tells the
blonde, "would you be interested in joining me
on stage?"
That would be super!" exclaimed the blonde,
"but could you go easy on me the first time?"
"I am sure I don't know what you mean, dear"
"Your arm looks pretty big, it might take a few
times for me to get used to it.
••
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where
I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts,
Whole Bag of Chips...
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