••
♥
Hey parents with teenagers,
the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.
••
"Hello welcome to meteorologist school.
Please stick your head out of the nearest window
and pick your diploma up on your way out.
••
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet...
••
I can't stand people who are indirect.
You know who you are.
••
Welcome to college! Here's a list of our majors
Here's a list of majors that lead to unemployment.
As you can see, both lists are the same.
••
Me: - Sweetie, why is the bottle of whiskey half
empty?
Wife: - Because you're a pessimist, honey!
••
"Let us make a special effort to stop communicating
with each other, so we can have some conversation."
-- Judith Martin
••
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals dying of nothing."
-- Redd Foxx
••
*first astronaut lands on Mars*
NASA: How does it feel son?
Astronaut: Feels pretty good to be 33 million
miles away from Dave Matthews Band.
••
I don't like making plans for the day,
because then the word "premeditated" gets
thrown around in the courtroom.
••
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets,
just in case a cop searches you.
He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can
laugh....... It's all legal.
••
We have a saying in Germany.....
It is better to have loved and lost than to engage
in a land war with Russia in the winter.
••••
