••
♥
"That is the greatest fallacy, the wisdom of old men.
They do not grow wise. They grow careful."
-- Ernest Hemingway
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You can tell a lot about a person by their autopsy.
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Why do some people get so upset
when you mistake their antique vase for a chamber
pot?
••
I feel bad for airport security workers.
I'm going to make their job easier today by not
wearing underwear.
••
My niece guessed the capital of Montana is Hannah,
and I had to give it to her because, as far as I know,
that's correct.
••
WANTED: Someone to have my babies and carry on
my family name.
No strings attached.
You can even keep the kids.
••
It’s easier to explain to your neighbors
why you don’t believe in doing it if you call it
“decapitating the lawn” instead of “mowing the
lawn.”
••
My neighbors are loud and obnoxious.
Now I know how Canada feels.
••
Just spent a week building a time machine.
That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
••
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the
wind blew it across my path.
On the plus side, I can now perform the
'Gangnam Style'.
••
I hate when my cat brings in a dead bird
and I have to pretend I enjoy eating it so I don't
hurt his feelings.
••
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL
you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure
you got your money’s worth.
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