bet that felt good.....
••
♥
"There is no reciprocity. Men love women, women
love children, children love hamsters."
-- Alice Thomas Ellis
••
Doctor administers experimental anti-bad joke serum…
"How do you feel?"
"With my hands."
"Let's give it a minute."
••
I purposely park three feet away from the
drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get
in their daily stretches.
••
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying
medicine to become a doctor.
Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to
save lives.
••
I Couldn't believe the length of the line outside the
Apple store today.
Hundreds of pathetic losers being applauded for
lining up for an overpriced product they have been
conditioned to want...... idiots.
Sent from my iPhone 5s
••
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I'm in a good
mood in the morning…
I'm like, "Duh...did you not see me just leave my kids
with you?"
••
A guy goes to his pharmacy and asks for a pack
of Viagra.
"Do you have a prescription?" the pharmacist asks.
"No, but here's a picture of my wife," he replied.
••
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision
is the fact that people working in a craft store are
getting laid more than I am......
••
Bought candy at the movies and suddenly I can't
pay this month's rent anymore.
••
If you worry that you aren't creative,
buy a gym membership and see how many excuses
you find not to use it.
••
Headed to the gym.
Gonna work on my diptroids.
My gluteralids.
My quadrapeps.
Maybe my trapaceptals.
Definitely my vocabulary.....
••
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so
when someone asks about my day, I don’t have to say
“Netflix and avoiding responsibilities."
♦♦♦♦
