••

 

••

♥

 

"Hear you've been having car trouble," said
one neighbor to another.
"Yes," replied the car owner.
"I bought a new carburetor that saved thirty
percent on gas, a new transmission that saved
fifty percent on gas, and a new set of spark
plugs that saved forty percent on gas."
"So what happened?" asked the neighbor.
"After I drove about forty miles, the gas tank
overflowed."

 

••

"My husband and I have a rule, we always
make up before going to bed," said a woman to
her friend.
"Do you always adhere to that rule?" her friend
asked.
"Yes, "she said.
"Once we did not go to bed for a whole week."

 

••

Pick up line........
Hey girl, did anyone tell you that you look like
Marilyn Monroe?
Noooooooo!!!!
That's right! 'cause you look like Arnold S
Schwarzenegger.....

••
An officer pulls up at the scene of an accident
where a car has driven through a field, killed
several livestock and crashed into a barn.
He decides to interview John who is struggling
to keep his balance and is being propped up by
Sarah.
“Been out for a few have we mate?”
asks the officer.
“Shuure ave mate” grins John.
“I realise you are very drunk sir,” states the
officer, “but that is absolutely no excuse to let
your wife drive you home!”

 

••

If men had PMS/PMT, what would happen?
a. The federal government would allocate funds
to study it.
b. Cramps would become an acceptable reason
to apply for permanent disability.
c. There would be a federal holiday every 28
days.....

 

••

Joined a new club called the AA (Athletics
Anonymous).
You phone them whenever you feel like
exercising and they send some-one around to
drink with you until the feeling passes :)

 

••

Warning about online buying
Be careful what you buy online.
If you buy stuff online, check out the seller
carefully.
I just spent $450 on a penis enlarger.
And the bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!!!!
The only instructions said, 'Do not use in
sunlight'.... 

 

•• 

It’s kinda funny how when you get
older you start to enjoy the things you
hated as a kid like taking naps and
getting spanked..

 

••

"I find that the harder I work, the more luck I
seem to have. "
    - Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)

 

••

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his
Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the
Goddamn gun...'

 

••

Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from
nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.

 

••••

 

 

••

 

They will need the TP.....

••

♥

The phone at the reception desk of a hotel starts
ringing at 3.00 am.
The desk clerk answers and it’s a call from a
drunk, asking what time the bar opens.
The bar opens at noon’, answers the clerk.
An hour later, the same man calls again, he
sounds even drunker, but still wants to know
what time the bar opens.
’Same time as before’, replies the clerk.
Another hour passes, and the drunk calls again, ’
'Whatjoo shay the bar opens at ?’' he slurs.
The clerk, maintaining his composure, says
politely, ’It opens at noon sir, but if you really
can’t wait, I’ll have room service send you up a
drink’.
’I don’t wanna git IN the damned thing!!’,
he shouts, ’I wanna git OUT of it!!’

 

••

Q: Did you hear about the Jewish Santa Claus?
A: He comes down the chimney, wakes up the
children and says, "Hey kids, do you want to
buy some toys?"

 

••

Never say anything on the phone that you
wouldn'twant your mother to hear at your trial.
- Sydney Biddle Barrows, the Mayflower Madam....

 

••

Bumper Sticker: ” I am sorry for driving so
close in front of you.”

 

••

The American in Hong Kong was talking to his
wife one evening over supper.
"Get this..." he chuckled, "That ridiculous
janitor of ours claims he's made love to every
woman in the building except one."
"Hmmmmmmmmm," said his wife, assuming
a thoughtful faraway type expression,
"must be that stuck-up Mrs. Stewart on the
eighth floor."

 

••

Q. What's the brown stuff between the elephants
toes ?
A. Slow natives.

 

••

You can listen to thunder after lightening and
tell how close you came to getting hit.
If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.

 

••

Two men are having a conversation.
"I would like to see a woman dentist," said the
first man.
"Why?" asked his friend?
"Because it would be a pleasure to have a
woman say, 'open your mouth' instead of 'shut
up."

 

••

The other day I was mocking my wife,
"Why do you wear a bra?
You've got nothing to put in it."
Bitch replied, "You wear briefs, don't you?"

 

••••

 

 

••

 

••

♥

Diarrhea is hereditary...
it runs in your jeans.

 

••

A nudist girl wearing three raisins
A masquerade prize was her goal.
The judges said, "Lookie,
From the front she's a cookie,
And the back she's a Parker House roll.

 

••

If you really want something in life you have to
work for it; now quiet, they're about to
announce the lottery numbers.
 

••
My mom made a real fuss when I got out of
prison, which I didn't mind.
But I think the inflatable doughnut on her
passenger seat was a bit much.

 

••

"They should take money from the wealthy and
give it to the poor.
That would serve economic equality",said the
good liberal in my local Starbucks.
I said "Great!!
And lets take those college degrees from the
smart and give them to high school dropouts.
That would fix the stupid problem too".

 

••

An elderly man went to his doctor and said,
'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.
Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor.
'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

 

••

How do you get a one armed MAN out of a tree?
Wave at him.

 

••

Joe was telling his buddy Jack about a recent
diagnosis of his high blood pressure.
"The doctors told me to quit eating red meat,"
Joe said, "Well, did you quit," asked Jack.
Joe replied, "Sure did.
You think I'm a dummy or something?
I haven't had a drop of ketchup on my
hamburgers since!"

 

••

Never accept a drink from a urologist.
 - Erma Bombeck

 

••

Proof that guys are gentlemen....
A bikini exposes 90% of a woman's body, yet
we stare at the covered areas.

 

••

You Know You're In Alaska When...
when it warms up to -35 degrees(Fahrenheit)
and you go out in your shirt sleeves to wash
you car......
when you drive for a mile on square tires on
a -65 morning before they eventually become
normal......

 

••••

 

 

♣♣

 

••

♥

 

Justin Bieber goes to jail.....
Writes "Free JB!" on wall in protest.
Then learns cellmate is dyslexic.

 

••

 My face in the mirror
 isn't wrinkled or drawn;
 My house isn't dirty,
 the cobwebs are gone.
 My garden looks lovely,
 and so does my lawn;
 I think I might never
 put my glasses back on!

 

••

The new nun goes to her first confession.
She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret
and he tells her that her secret is safe in the
sanctity of the confessional.
She says, "Father, I never wears panties under
my habit."
The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so
serious.
Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers and do
five cartwheels on your way to the altar.

 

••

What is the difference between boogers and
spinach?
You can't get your kids to eat spinach.

 

••

Damn ATMs are not working today.
It's the 5th one in a row that when I try to
make a withdraw, it says "insufficient funds."
Aren't they supposed to stock those things with
money daily? Sheesh!

 

••

My favourite exercise is a cross between a lunge
and a crunch.
It's called lunch.

 

••

A husband took his wife to a disco on the
weekend.
There was an extremely well dressed, physically
fit, good looking guy on the dance floor.
He was waltzing, fox-trotting, calipsoing, break
dancing, moon walking, doing back flips,
the works.
The wife turned to her husband, who wasn't
much of a dancer, and said: "See that guy?
25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned
him down."
The husband said: "Looks like he's still
celebrating!”

 

••

Three guys are walking through the woods and
they find a genie sitting by a cliff.
The genie says "I will grant you each one wish,
all you have to do is say what you want and
jump off the cliff".
The first guy goes to the edge, yells "Money"
and jumps off, he lands in a humongous pile
of money.
The second guy gets up and yells "Women", he
lands among  hundreds of women.
The third guy, who is pretty excited now, gets
to the edge of the cliff, trips and yells, "Sh*t!!!!"
 

 

••
I was having sex with this girl… and it was
pretty wild; I explained to her that I’d not had
it in 2 years because I’d been in the VD clinic..
she replied ‘How’s the food? …
I'm going in tomorrow!’

 

••

A guy gets shipwrecked.
When he wakes up, he's on a beach.
The sand is purple.
He can`t believe it.
The sky is purple.
He walks arond a bit and sees that there is
purple grass, purple birds and purple fruit on
the purple trees.
He's shocked when he finds that his skin is
starting to turn purple too.
"Oh no!!" he says, "I think I`ve been marooned!!"

 

••

How do you know you're at a bulimic bachelor
party?
When the cake jumps out of the girl!

 

••••

••

 

••

♥

 

Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
 A: To get away from the noise.

 

••

During an Army war game, a commanding
officer's jeep got stuck in the mud.
The C.O. saw some men lounging around
nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.
"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've
been classified dead and the umpire said we
couldn't contribute in any way."
The C.O. turned to his driver and said,
"Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over
here and throw them under the wheels to give
us some traction."

 

••

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices
a large sign on the wall that says, "$500 if we
fail to fill your order."
When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant
tail on rye.
She calmly writes down his order and walks
into the kitchen.
Almost immediately he hears an explosion of
voices.
The restaurant owner comes storming out of
the kitchen and up to the customer's table.
He slaps down five $100 bills in front of the
man.
"You got me this time, buddy," he says,
"but I want you to know this -- that's the first
time in 10 years we've been out of rye bread."

 

•• 

What's the definition of bravery?
A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!

 

••

My wife came downstairs this morning with a
tube of super-glue stuck up her nose.
I said, "What are you doing, you idiot?"
She replied, "You're the idiot.
You're trying to mend your glasses with nasal
spray."

 

••

Does anyone have the owner's manual for a
wife?
Mine's emitting a terrible whining noise.

 

••

New paint store just opened up by my place,
so I decided as any red-blooded, sexually
repressed young lad to pay it a visit.
When I went in I saw signs all over advertising
the newest color: "Natural Blonde".
There weren't any samples around, so I asked
the clerk to describe it to me.
He replied, "Natural Blonde? Wonderful new
paint: not too bright, but spreads easily!"

 

••

Never try to out-stubborn a cat.

 

••

A young woman on a rough Atlantic crossing
was in her cabin undressing then suddenly she
was overcome by sea sickness.
In a panic she rushed into the corridor and
headed for the bathroom.
It was not until she collided with an elderly
gentleman that she realized she didn't
have a stitch of clothing on.
Horrified, she let out a shriek.
Her fellow sufferer looked at her sadly.
"Don't let it bother you, miss," he moaned.
"I'll never live to tell anyone."

 

••

Men go through 3 stages: Drinking from boobs,
staring at boobs, and growing boobs.

 

••••