••
♥
"Hear you've been having car trouble," said
one neighbor to another.
"Yes," replied the car owner.
"I bought a new carburetor that saved thirty
percent on gas, a new transmission that saved
fifty percent on gas, and a new set of spark
plugs that saved forty percent on gas."
"So what happened?" asked the neighbor.
"After I drove about forty miles, the gas tank
overflowed."
one neighbor to another.
"Yes," replied the car owner.
"I bought a new carburetor that saved thirty
percent on gas, a new transmission that saved
fifty percent on gas, and a new set of spark
plugs that saved forty percent on gas."
"So what happened?" asked the neighbor.
"After I drove about forty miles, the gas tank
overflowed."
••
"My husband and I have a rule, we always
make up before going to bed," said a woman to
her friend.
"Do you always adhere to that rule?" her friend
asked.
"Yes, "she said.
"Once we did not go to bed for a whole week."
make up before going to bed," said a woman to
her friend.
"Do you always adhere to that rule?" her friend
asked.
"Yes, "she said.
"Once we did not go to bed for a whole week."
••
Pick up line........
Hey girl, did anyone tell you that you look like
Marilyn Monroe?
Noooooooo!!!!
That's right! 'cause you look like Arnold S
Schwarzenegger.....
Hey girl, did anyone tell you that you look like
Marilyn Monroe?
Noooooooo!!!!
That's right! 'cause you look like Arnold S
Schwarzenegger.....
••
An officer pulls up at the scene of an accident
where a car has driven through a field, killed
several livestock and crashed into a barn.
He decides to interview John who is struggling
to keep his balance and is being propped up by
Sarah.
“Been out for a few have we mate?”
asks the officer.
“Shuure ave mate” grins John.
“I realise you are very drunk sir,” states the
officer, “but that is absolutely no excuse to let
your wife drive you home!”
An officer pulls up at the scene of an accident
where a car has driven through a field, killed
several livestock and crashed into a barn.
He decides to interview John who is struggling
to keep his balance and is being propped up by
Sarah.
“Been out for a few have we mate?”
asks the officer.
“Shuure ave mate” grins John.
“I realise you are very drunk sir,” states the
officer, “but that is absolutely no excuse to let
your wife drive you home!”
••
If men had PMS/PMT, what would happen?
a. The federal government would allocate funds
to study it.
b. Cramps would become an acceptable reason
to apply for permanent disability.
c. There would be a federal holiday every 28
days.....
a. The federal government would allocate funds
to study it.
b. Cramps would become an acceptable reason
to apply for permanent disability.
c. There would be a federal holiday every 28
days.....
••
Joined a new club called the AA (Athletics
Anonymous).
You phone them whenever you feel like
exercising and they send some-one around to
drink with you until the feeling passes :)
Anonymous).
You phone them whenever you feel like
exercising and they send some-one around to
drink with you until the feeling passes :)
••
Warning about online buying
Be careful what you buy online.
If you buy stuff online, check out the seller
carefully.
I just spent $450 on a penis enlarger.
And the bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!!!!
The only instructions said, 'Do not use in
sunlight'....
Be careful what you buy online.
If you buy stuff online, check out the seller
carefully.
I just spent $450 on a penis enlarger.
And the bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!!!!
The only instructions said, 'Do not use in
sunlight'....
••
It’s kinda funny how when you get
older you start to enjoy the things you
hated as a kid like taking naps and
getting spanked..
older you start to enjoy the things you
hated as a kid like taking naps and
getting spanked..
••
"I find that the harder I work, the more luck I
seem to have. "
- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)
seem to have. "
- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)
••
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his
Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the
Goddamn gun...'
Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the
Goddamn gun...'
••
Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from
nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.
nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.
••••
