••
♥
Justin Bieber goes to jail.....
Writes "Free JB!" on wall in protest.
Then learns cellmate is dyslexic.
Writes "Free JB!" on wall in protest.
Then learns cellmate is dyslexic.
••
My face in the mirror
isn't wrinkled or drawn;
My house isn't dirty,
the cobwebs are gone.
My garden looks lovely,
and so does my lawn;
I think I might never
put my glasses back on!
isn't wrinkled or drawn;
My house isn't dirty,
the cobwebs are gone.
My garden looks lovely,
and so does my lawn;
I think I might never
put my glasses back on!
••
The new nun goes to her first confession.
She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret
and he tells her that her secret is safe in the
sanctity of the confessional.
She says, "Father, I never wears panties under
my habit."
The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so
serious.
Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers and do
five cartwheels on your way to the altar.
She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret
and he tells her that her secret is safe in the
sanctity of the confessional.
She says, "Father, I never wears panties under
my habit."
The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so
serious.
Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers and do
five cartwheels on your way to the altar.
••
What is the difference between boogers and
spinach?
You can't get your kids to eat spinach.
spinach?
You can't get your kids to eat spinach.
••
Damn ATMs are not working today.
It's the 5th one in a row that when I try to
make a withdraw, it says "insufficient funds."
Aren't they supposed to stock those things with
money daily? Sheesh!
It's the 5th one in a row that when I try to
make a withdraw, it says "insufficient funds."
Aren't they supposed to stock those things with
money daily? Sheesh!
••
My favourite exercise is a cross between a lunge
and a crunch.
It's called lunch.
and a crunch.
It's called lunch.
••
A husband took his wife to a disco on the
weekend.
There was an extremely well dressed, physically
fit, good looking guy on the dance floor.
He was waltzing, fox-trotting, calipsoing, break
dancing, moon walking, doing back flips,
the works.
The wife turned to her husband, who wasn't
much of a dancer, and said: "See that guy?
25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned
him down."
The husband said: "Looks like he's still
celebrating!”
weekend.
There was an extremely well dressed, physically
fit, good looking guy on the dance floor.
He was waltzing, fox-trotting, calipsoing, break
dancing, moon walking, doing back flips,
the works.
The wife turned to her husband, who wasn't
much of a dancer, and said: "See that guy?
25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned
him down."
The husband said: "Looks like he's still
celebrating!”
••
Three guys are walking through the woods and
they find a genie sitting by a cliff.
The genie says "I will grant you each one wish,
all you have to do is say what you want and
jump off the cliff".
The first guy goes to the edge, yells "Money"
and jumps off, he lands in a humongous pile
of money.
The second guy gets up and yells "Women", he
lands among hundreds of women.
The third guy, who is pretty excited now, gets
to the edge of the cliff, trips and yells, "Sh*t!!!!"
they find a genie sitting by a cliff.
The genie says "I will grant you each one wish,
all you have to do is say what you want and
jump off the cliff".
The first guy goes to the edge, yells "Money"
and jumps off, he lands in a humongous pile
of money.
The second guy gets up and yells "Women", he
lands among hundreds of women.
The third guy, who is pretty excited now, gets
to the edge of the cliff, trips and yells, "Sh*t!!!!"
••
I was having sex with this girl… and it was
pretty wild; I explained to her that I’d not had
it in 2 years because I’d been in the VD clinic..
she replied ‘How’s the food? …
I'm going in tomorrow!’
I was having sex with this girl… and it was
pretty wild; I explained to her that I’d not had
it in 2 years because I’d been in the VD clinic..
she replied ‘How’s the food? …
I'm going in tomorrow!’
••
A guy gets shipwrecked.
When he wakes up, he's on a beach.
The sand is purple.
He can`t believe it.
The sky is purple.
He walks arond a bit and sees that there is
purple grass, purple birds and purple fruit on
the purple trees.
He's shocked when he finds that his skin is
starting to turn purple too.
"Oh no!!" he says, "I think I`ve been marooned!!"
When he wakes up, he's on a beach.
The sand is purple.
He can`t believe it.
The sky is purple.
He walks arond a bit and sees that there is
purple grass, purple birds and purple fruit on
the purple trees.
He's shocked when he finds that his skin is
starting to turn purple too.
"Oh no!!" he says, "I think I`ve been marooned!!"
••
How do you know you're at a bulimic bachelor
party?
When the cake jumps out of the girl!
party?
When the cake jumps out of the girl!
••••
