••
♥
Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: To get away from the noise.
A: To get away from the noise.
••
During an Army war game, a commanding
officer's jeep got stuck in the mud.
The C.O. saw some men lounging around
nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.
"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've
been classified dead and the umpire said we
couldn't contribute in any way."
The C.O. turned to his driver and said,
"Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over
here and throw them under the wheels to give
us some traction."
officer's jeep got stuck in the mud.
The C.O. saw some men lounging around
nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.
"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've
been classified dead and the umpire said we
couldn't contribute in any way."
The C.O. turned to his driver and said,
"Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over
here and throw them under the wheels to give
us some traction."
••
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices
a large sign on the wall that says, "$500 if we
fail to fill your order."
When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant
tail on rye.
She calmly writes down his order and walks
into the kitchen.
Almost immediately he hears an explosion of
voices.
The restaurant owner comes storming out of
the kitchen and up to the customer's table.
He slaps down five $100 bills in front of the
man.
"You got me this time, buddy," he says,
"but I want you to know this -- that's the first
time in 10 years we've been out of rye bread."
a large sign on the wall that says, "$500 if we
fail to fill your order."
When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant
tail on rye.
She calmly writes down his order and walks
into the kitchen.
Almost immediately he hears an explosion of
voices.
The restaurant owner comes storming out of
the kitchen and up to the customer's table.
He slaps down five $100 bills in front of the
man.
"You got me this time, buddy," he says,
"but I want you to know this -- that's the first
time in 10 years we've been out of rye bread."
••
What's the definition of bravery?
A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!
A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!
••
My wife came downstairs this morning with a
tube of super-glue stuck up her nose.
I said, "What are you doing, you idiot?"
She replied, "You're the idiot.
You're trying to mend your glasses with nasal
spray."
tube of super-glue stuck up her nose.
I said, "What are you doing, you idiot?"
She replied, "You're the idiot.
You're trying to mend your glasses with nasal
spray."
••
Does anyone have the owner's manual for a
wife?
Mine's emitting a terrible whining noise.
wife?
Mine's emitting a terrible whining noise.
••
New paint store just opened up by my place,
so I decided as any red-blooded, sexually
repressed young lad to pay it a visit.
When I went in I saw signs all over advertising
the newest color: "Natural Blonde".
There weren't any samples around, so I asked
the clerk to describe it to me.
He replied, "Natural Blonde? Wonderful new
paint: not too bright, but spreads easily!"
so I decided as any red-blooded, sexually
repressed young lad to pay it a visit.
When I went in I saw signs all over advertising
the newest color: "Natural Blonde".
There weren't any samples around, so I asked
the clerk to describe it to me.
He replied, "Natural Blonde? Wonderful new
paint: not too bright, but spreads easily!"
••
Never try to out-stubborn a cat.
••
A young woman on a rough Atlantic crossing
was in her cabin undressing then suddenly she
was overcome by sea sickness.
In a panic she rushed into the corridor and
headed for the bathroom.
It was not until she collided with an elderly
gentleman that she realized she didn't
have a stitch of clothing on.
Horrified, she let out a shriek.
Her fellow sufferer looked at her sadly.
"Don't let it bother you, miss," he moaned.
"I'll never live to tell anyone."
was in her cabin undressing then suddenly she
was overcome by sea sickness.
In a panic she rushed into the corridor and
headed for the bathroom.
It was not until she collided with an elderly
gentleman that she realized she didn't
have a stitch of clothing on.
Horrified, she let out a shriek.
Her fellow sufferer looked at her sadly.
"Don't let it bother you, miss," he moaned.
"I'll never live to tell anyone."
••
Men go through 3 stages: Drinking from boobs,
staring at boobs, and growing boobs.
staring at boobs, and growing boobs.
••••
