••

 

••

♥

 

Seen on a bumper sticker...
Cover me.
I'm changing lanes.

 

•• 

So my sister, a natural blond graduating from
the University of North Carolina Law School,
is job hunting.
I suggested that since Microsoft is building up
their legal team, she should send them a
resume and become a southern blond
Microsoft lawyer
-- and be the butt of any joke on the internet.

 

••

One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound
box of candy can make a woman gain five
pounds.

 

••

My wife.....
I told she should learn how to embrace her
mistakes.
She cried and gave me a hug.

 

••

My wife says that we can't use the same
babysitter again.
"Why?" I asked. "Is it because I paid her too
much?"
"No, it was the right amount" she replied,
"but you didn't have to stick the money in
her cleavage."

 

••

The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda
Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse
kicked one of the corners off.

 

••

Jury: Twelve people who determine which
client has the better lawyer.

 

••

Bob had just finished his course in journalism
and joined a newspaper agency.
His boss sent him out on field to get some
exciting news.
At one place, he saw a mob gathered in a tight
circle.
He learnt that there was a fatal accident.
Bob tried to get inside the circle but could not.
He had a bright idea and shouted: “Move over,
move over, I am related to the victim.”
Immediately, the crowd made space for him.
Pleased with his own quick wit, Bob proceeded
and reached the spot and guess what?
He saw a donkey lying dead.

 

••

What's the difference between a lawyer and a
trampoline?
You should take your work boots off before
you jump on a trampoline.

 

••

My wife's so ugly that the local Peeping Tom
phoned her last week and asked her to shut
the curtains.

 

••••

#2175

••

 

••

♥

Returning from her vacation, the young
secretary was telling anyone who would listen
about what a fun time she had.
She then asked for two weeks leave in which
to get married.
"But you just had two weeks off," said the
boss.
"Why didn't you get married then ?"
"What and ruin my vacation ?" she whined.

 

••

Researchers say that peanut butter can
confirm the early stages of Alzheimer’s
disease.
Especially if it is being used as a hemorrhoid
cream.

 

••

You know the honeymoon is pretty much over
when you start to go out with the boys on
Wednesday nites, and so does she.

 

••

Doctor, doctor: "My husband has a habit of
talking in his sleep! What should I give him to
cure it?"
Doctor: "Give him the opportunity to speak
while he's awake!"

 

••

What a rip-off. I went into our local bookstore
and saw this huge display with a sign saying
"Newly translated from the original French:
37 mating positions."
Noticing that the books were already wrapped
in plain brown paper, I just hadda buy one.
Once safely at home I opened it, out of sight
of my wife, and found that I had just
purchased an expensive book about Chess.

 

••

Big sale at the Dollar store....
everything is 99 cent...

••
There is a new app that will help people that 
are unsure if they are too drunk to drive home
by analyzing a urine sample.
The way the app works is if you are drunk
enough to be pissing on your smartphone,
then it's time to take a cab home, my friend.

 

••

I went to the Doctor about a rash on my
stomach... turns out to be steering wheel burn.

 

••

A modest young girl named Ogla
Once donned a grass skirt to dance Hula
A cow ate the grass
Exposing her ass
Now she's no longer modest but coola...

••

Duct tape is like the Force.
It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.

••••

 

 

••

 

••

♥
One time I went to a museum where all the
work in the museum had been done by
children. 
They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.

 

••

Got in trouble for watching a woman breast
feed her baby at the mall, she got mad and
told her husband to beat the shit out of me....
now I admit the flashbulb may have made the
baby cry....

 

••

I tried a viagra for the first time  the other day.
Every time I turned around I broke a window.

 

••

A woman went to the bar with a black eye.
"How'd ya get that?" asked the bartender.
"From my husband," she replied.
"But I thought he was out of town?" he asked.
"So did I!" she said.

 

••

The wealthy wife of a very successful Jewish
businessman went to the portrait artist for
her first sitting.
The portrait, a gift for her husband.
She explained to the artist what she wanted:
"You should paint me like I am.
These little wrinkles, you put them on your
canvas.
The lines under my eyes, the flab on my arms,
the turn in my nose, and the mole on my
cheek, they all stay....BUT on my hands you
put lots of rings with big diamonds and
emeralds and bright jewels.
Around my neck you put chains of gold and
diamonds...... Do you understand?"
The artist looked at her in earnest and asked
why she should want such detail of real life in
her physical appearance, but adorn herself
with the phony jewelry.
She replied: "When I die my husband will
re-marry.
The new wife, she should go crazy looking for
the jewels"

 

••

I was in the Apple store yesterday and I farted.

They all got pissed.
Hey, its not my fault they dont have windows.

 

••

Hear about the moron who had eight
vasectomies.
He had to, his wife kept getting pregnant....

••
Why is it that the Avon lady can go knocking
on random women's doors and ask them if
they are interested in a refreshing facial but,
when I do it, they haul me off to jail make me
sign the sex offenders register?

 

••

Thank you ATM fees, for allowing me to buy
my own money.

 

••

I am so excited!
I shot my first turkey today!

But it scared the HELL out the people in the
frozen food aisle.
 

••••

 

 

••

 

••

♥

Ten Signs The Police Chief Hates You.....
10. He sends you on drug raids....alone.
9. He refers to you as "Our Little Mascot."
8. The job description in your contract
includes "crash test dummy" and
"pepper-spray test subject."
7. Instead of a gun, you were issued a water
pistol.
6. He always tells you that only wimps call for
back-up.
5. He lied to you about an "officer exchange
program" and put you on a plane to Siberia.
4. He doesn't like to be seen with you in public.
3. He makes up "missing persons" and then
sends you to look for them.
2. You always get the patrol car with the flat
tire, no gas, a dead battery, and a broken air
conditioner.
1. Your locker is also the broom closet!!

 

••

Why did God invent armadillos?
 So that rednecks can have 'possum on the
half shell.

 

••

Dave said to his friend Peter, "My wife is so
huge, she was relaxing on the beach when the
coastguard asked her to move because the tide
was waiting to come in."
Peter, not to be left behind, replied, "You got
to hear about my wife then.
She is so big, she was sitting on the beach the
other day when Greenpeace tried to refloat her."

 

••

What would you get if you crossed a turkey
with an octopus?
Eight feather dusters!

 

••

When two guys get married, what is the
bachelor party like?
Do they both go?"

 

••

One evening Ole and Sven are sitting in the
bar getting drunk.
Ole turns to Sven and asks, "Ven do you
suppose dose girls are gonna make out vit us?"
Swen says, "Donno, but I'm drunk enuf.
Let's go ask em!" So off they go to the
apartment where Ole knocks on the door.
Lena answers and says, "Vell, Ole and Sven,
come on in!"
Ole no more than gets in the door when he
says, "Ve yust come to find out ven you girls
are gonna make out vit us."
Lena is really upset by this and throws them
both out, slamming the door on them.
Ole is persistent and knocks on the door again.
Lena isn't stupid.
She knows it's Ole and says, "Ole if you are
gonna be so forward, you'll have to talk
through the keyhole."
So Ole bends to the keyhole and asks,
"Ven you girls gonna make out vit us?"
Lena is really upset now.
She drops her pants, backs up to the keyhole,
and breaks wind.
As Ole is backing up and shaking his head,
Sven asks, "Vell Ole, vat did she say?"
Ole says, "Vell, I tink she said ..
FFFFfffffrrriiddaayy but her breath
is so bad, I'm not askin' again."

 

••

A little boy who prayed for a bicycle had an
even more startling surprise instead --
a baby sister. 
That night he had a talk with God about His
delivery service. 
"I got a sister instead of a bike," he explained
to God. 
"Maybe some other kid wanted a sister and
got my bike. 
Is there any chance we can keep the girl and
get me a bike, too?"

 

••

An old man is sitting on the park bench crying.
Another old man sits down next to him and
says, "Mister, what's the problem?"
The old man wipes the tears from his eyes and
explains, "I've got this beautiful, 35 year old
wife, and all she wants to do is make love from
the moment I walk in the door till the
moment we go to sleep and then when we
wake up again."
"So, what the hell is the problem?"
"Mister, you don't understand...
I forgot where I live!"

 

••

The tri stages of sex in marriage-
1.Tri-weekly
2.Try-weekly
3.Try-weakly

••••

 

 

••

 

••

♥
Four married guys went fishing.
After an hour or so, the following conversation
took place:
First guy: “You have no idea what I had to do
to be able to come out fishing this weekend.
I had to promise my wife I will paint every
room in the house next weekend.”
Second guy: “That’s nothing! I had to promise
my wife I’d build her a new deck for the pool.”
Third guy: “Man, you both have it easy!
I had to promise my wife that I’ll remodel the
kitchen for her.”
They continued to fish, until they realized the
fourth guy had not said a word.
So they asked him. “You haven’t said anything
about what you had to do to be able to come
fishing this weekend.
What’s the deal?”
Fourth guy: “I just set my alarm for 5:30 am.
When it went off, I shut off the clock, gave my
wife a nudge and said, “Fishing or Sex” and
she said, “Wear a sweater.”

 

••

A Guinness brewery worker travels to the
home of his co-worker with bad news.
'I'm sorry Mary, but Keith died at the brewery
today'.
'Oh my god!' replied Mary, 'What happened?!'
'He drown in a vat of Guinness Stout' said
the worker, sadly.
'That's terrible! Was it a quick death at least?'
asked Mary.
'I'm afraid not,' the worker replied,
'He got out twice to take a piss....
 

••
A dog walks into a post office and says to the
Postmaster "I need to send a telegram."
The Postmaster says "OK, what is it?"
The dog says "I need it to say, Woof woof woof
woof woof woof woof."
The Postmaster counts the words and says
"Well, for the same price, I can put 3 more
"woofs" in for you."
The dog looks at him and says "But then it
wouldn't make any sense."

 

••

"I'm ashamed of the way we live," a young wife
said to her lazy husband who refused to find a
job.
"My father pays our rent.
My mother buys all of our food.
My sister buys our clothes.
My aunt bought us a car.
I'm just so ashamed."
The husband rolled over on the couch.
"You should be ashamed," he agreed.
"Those two worthless brothers of yours never
give us a cent."

 

••

 A conductor was having a lot of trouble with a
drummer.
He constantly gave this guy personal attention
and much advice, but his performance simply
didn't improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he took a
critical jab at the drummer, "When a musician
just can't handle his instrument and doesn't
improve when given help, they take away the
instrument, give him two sticks, and make him
a drummer, which must be why you play the
drums."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion
section, "And if he can't handle even that, they
take away one of his sticks and make him a
conductor."

 

••

An applicant was filling out a job application.
When he came to the question, "Have you ever
been arrested?"
He wrote, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had
answered in the affirmative to the previous
question, was: "Why?"
The applicant answered it anyway:
"Never got caught."

 

••

An Englishman, a Scot and an Irishman are
drinking in a bar.
The Englishman gets a pint with a fly in it.
He says, "Bartender, please remove this drink."
The Scot gets a pint with a fly in it, and downs it.
At the end of the bar, the Irishman is hunched
over his glass, so the other two walk over to see
what he's doing.
He's got a fly by the wings, and he's saying,
"Spit it out..... Spit it out, you bastard."
 

••
Welcome to Olive Garden! when you're here,
you're family.....
Sit up straight.
Have you gained weight?
Why can't you be more like your sister?

 

••

The lifeguard told the mother to make her
young son stop urinating in the pool.
"Everyone knows," the mother lectured him,
"that from time to time, young children will
urinate in a pool."
"Oh really?" said the lifeguard,
"from the diving board!?!?"

 

••

The three wise men visit Joseph and Mary in the
stable to see the newborn son.
One extremely tall wise man hits his head on the
door frame and exclaims, "Jesus Christ!"
Joseph looks at Mary and says, "Write that down --
that's better than Clyde."

••••