••
♥
Four married guys went fishing.
After an hour or so, the following conversation
took place:
First guy: “You have no idea what I had to do
to be able to come out fishing this weekend.
I had to promise my wife I will paint every
room in the house next weekend.”
Second guy: “That’s nothing! I had to promise
my wife I’d build her a new deck for the pool.”
Third guy: “Man, you both have it easy!
I had to promise my wife that I’ll remodel the
kitchen for her.”
They continued to fish, until they realized the
fourth guy had not said a word.
So they asked him. “You haven’t said anything
about what you had to do to be able to come
fishing this weekend.
What’s the deal?”
Fourth guy: “I just set my alarm for 5:30 am.
When it went off, I shut off the clock, gave my
wife a nudge and said, “Fishing or Sex” and
she said, “Wear a sweater.”
Four married guys went fishing.
After an hour or so, the following conversation
took place:
First guy: “You have no idea what I had to do
to be able to come out fishing this weekend.
I had to promise my wife I will paint every
room in the house next weekend.”
Second guy: “That’s nothing! I had to promise
my wife I’d build her a new deck for the pool.”
Third guy: “Man, you both have it easy!
I had to promise my wife that I’ll remodel the
kitchen for her.”
They continued to fish, until they realized the
fourth guy had not said a word.
So they asked him. “You haven’t said anything
about what you had to do to be able to come
fishing this weekend.
What’s the deal?”
Fourth guy: “I just set my alarm for 5:30 am.
When it went off, I shut off the clock, gave my
wife a nudge and said, “Fishing or Sex” and
she said, “Wear a sweater.”
••
A Guinness brewery worker travels to the
home of his co-worker with bad news.
'I'm sorry Mary, but Keith died at the brewery
today'.
'Oh my god!' replied Mary, 'What happened?!'
'He drown in a vat of Guinness Stout' said
the worker, sadly.
'That's terrible! Was it a quick death at least?'
asked Mary.
'I'm afraid not,' the worker replied,
'He got out twice to take a piss....
home of his co-worker with bad news.
'I'm sorry Mary, but Keith died at the brewery
today'.
'Oh my god!' replied Mary, 'What happened?!'
'He drown in a vat of Guinness Stout' said
the worker, sadly.
'That's terrible! Was it a quick death at least?'
asked Mary.
'I'm afraid not,' the worker replied,
'He got out twice to take a piss....
••
A dog walks into a post office and says to the
Postmaster "I need to send a telegram."
The Postmaster says "OK, what is it?"
The dog says "I need it to say, Woof woof woof
woof woof woof woof."
The Postmaster counts the words and says
"Well, for the same price, I can put 3 more
"woofs" in for you."
The dog looks at him and says "But then it
wouldn't make any sense."
A dog walks into a post office and says to the
Postmaster "I need to send a telegram."
The Postmaster says "OK, what is it?"
The dog says "I need it to say, Woof woof woof
woof woof woof woof."
The Postmaster counts the words and says
"Well, for the same price, I can put 3 more
"woofs" in for you."
The dog looks at him and says "But then it
wouldn't make any sense."
••
"I'm ashamed of the way we live," a young wife
said to her lazy husband who refused to find a
job.
"My father pays our rent.
My mother buys all of our food.
My sister buys our clothes.
My aunt bought us a car.
I'm just so ashamed."
The husband rolled over on the couch.
"You should be ashamed," he agreed.
"Those two worthless brothers of yours never
give us a cent."
said to her lazy husband who refused to find a
job.
"My father pays our rent.
My mother buys all of our food.
My sister buys our clothes.
My aunt bought us a car.
I'm just so ashamed."
The husband rolled over on the couch.
"You should be ashamed," he agreed.
"Those two worthless brothers of yours never
give us a cent."
••
A conductor was having a lot of trouble with a
drummer.
He constantly gave this guy personal attention
and much advice, but his performance simply
didn't improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he took a
critical jab at the drummer, "When a musician
just can't handle his instrument and doesn't
improve when given help, they take away the
instrument, give him two sticks, and make him
a drummer, which must be why you play the
drums."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion
section, "And if he can't handle even that, they
take away one of his sticks and make him a
conductor."
drummer.
He constantly gave this guy personal attention
and much advice, but his performance simply
didn't improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he took a
critical jab at the drummer, "When a musician
just can't handle his instrument and doesn't
improve when given help, they take away the
instrument, give him two sticks, and make him
a drummer, which must be why you play the
drums."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion
section, "And if he can't handle even that, they
take away one of his sticks and make him a
conductor."
••
An applicant was filling out a job application.
When he came to the question, "Have you ever
been arrested?"
He wrote, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had
answered in the affirmative to the previous
question, was: "Why?"
The applicant answered it anyway:
"Never got caught."
When he came to the question, "Have you ever
been arrested?"
He wrote, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had
answered in the affirmative to the previous
question, was: "Why?"
The applicant answered it anyway:
"Never got caught."
••
An Englishman, a Scot and an Irishman are
drinking in a bar.
The Englishman gets a pint with a fly in it.
He says, "Bartender, please remove this drink."
The Scot gets a pint with a fly in it, and downs it.
At the end of the bar, the Irishman is hunched
over his glass, so the other two walk over to see
what he's doing.
He's got a fly by the wings, and he's saying,
"Spit it out..... Spit it out, you bastard."
drinking in a bar.
The Englishman gets a pint with a fly in it.
He says, "Bartender, please remove this drink."
The Scot gets a pint with a fly in it, and downs it.
At the end of the bar, the Irishman is hunched
over his glass, so the other two walk over to see
what he's doing.
He's got a fly by the wings, and he's saying,
"Spit it out..... Spit it out, you bastard."
••
Welcome to Olive Garden! when you're here,
you're family.....
Sit up straight.
Have you gained weight?
Why can't you be more like your sister?
Welcome to Olive Garden! when you're here,
you're family.....
Sit up straight.
Have you gained weight?
Why can't you be more like your sister?
••
The lifeguard told the mother to make her
young son stop urinating in the pool.
"Everyone knows," the mother lectured him,
"that from time to time, young children will
urinate in a pool."
"Oh really?" said the lifeguard,
"from the diving board!?!?"
young son stop urinating in the pool.
"Everyone knows," the mother lectured him,
"that from time to time, young children will
urinate in a pool."
"Oh really?" said the lifeguard,
"from the diving board!?!?"
••
The three wise men visit Joseph and Mary in the
stable to see the newborn son.
One extremely tall wise man hits his head on the
door frame and exclaims, "Jesus Christ!"
Joseph looks at Mary and says, "Write that down --
that's better than Clyde."
stable to see the newborn son.
One extremely tall wise man hits his head on the
door frame and exclaims, "Jesus Christ!"
Joseph looks at Mary and says, "Write that down --
that's better than Clyde."
••••
