••
♥
One time I went to a museum where all the
work in the museum had been done by
children.
They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.
One time I went to a museum where all the
work in the museum had been done by
children.
They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.
••
Got in trouble for watching a woman breast
feed her baby at the mall, she got mad and
told her husband to beat the shit out of me....
now I admit the flashbulb may have made the
baby cry....
feed her baby at the mall, she got mad and
told her husband to beat the shit out of me....
now I admit the flashbulb may have made the
baby cry....
••
I tried a viagra for the first time the other day.
Every time I turned around I broke a window.
Every time I turned around I broke a window.
••
A woman went to the bar with a black eye.
"How'd ya get that?" asked the bartender.
"From my husband," she replied.
"But I thought he was out of town?" he asked.
"So did I!" she said.
"How'd ya get that?" asked the bartender.
"From my husband," she replied.
"But I thought he was out of town?" he asked.
"So did I!" she said.
••
The wealthy wife of a very successful Jewish
businessman went to the portrait artist for
her first sitting.
The portrait, a gift for her husband.
She explained to the artist what she wanted:
"You should paint me like I am.
These little wrinkles, you put them on your
canvas.
The lines under my eyes, the flab on my arms,
the turn in my nose, and the mole on my
cheek, they all stay....BUT on my hands you
put lots of rings with big diamonds and
emeralds and bright jewels.
Around my neck you put chains of gold and
diamonds...... Do you understand?"
The artist looked at her in earnest and asked
why she should want such detail of real life in
her physical appearance, but adorn herself
with the phony jewelry.
She replied: "When I die my husband will
re-marry.
The new wife, she should go crazy looking for
the jewels"
businessman went to the portrait artist for
her first sitting.
The portrait, a gift for her husband.
She explained to the artist what she wanted:
"You should paint me like I am.
These little wrinkles, you put them on your
canvas.
The lines under my eyes, the flab on my arms,
the turn in my nose, and the mole on my
cheek, they all stay....BUT on my hands you
put lots of rings with big diamonds and
emeralds and bright jewels.
Around my neck you put chains of gold and
diamonds...... Do you understand?"
The artist looked at her in earnest and asked
why she should want such detail of real life in
her physical appearance, but adorn herself
with the phony jewelry.
She replied: "When I die my husband will
re-marry.
The new wife, she should go crazy looking for
the jewels"
••
I was in the Apple store yesterday and I farted.
They all got pissed.
Hey, its not my fault they dont have windows.
Hey, its not my fault they dont have windows.
••
Hear about the moron who had eight
vasectomies.
He had to, his wife kept getting pregnant....
vasectomies.
He had to, his wife kept getting pregnant....
••
Why is it that the Avon lady can go knocking
on random women's doors and ask them if
they are interested in a refreshing facial but,
when I do it, they haul me off to jail make me
sign the sex offenders register?
Why is it that the Avon lady can go knocking
on random women's doors and ask them if
they are interested in a refreshing facial but,
when I do it, they haul me off to jail make me
sign the sex offenders register?
••
Thank you ATM fees, for allowing me to buy
my own money.
my own money.
••
I am so excited!
I shot my first turkey today!
I shot my first turkey today!
But it scared the HELL out the people in the
frozen food aisle.
frozen food aisle.
••••
