••

 

••

♥

 

My favorite part about Halloween is seeing all
the confused Jehovah's Witnesses wandering
around, wondering why they've been given
sweets.

 

••

This Halloween the most popular mask is the
Arnold Schwarzenegger mask.
And the best part?
With a mouth full of candy you will sound just
like him.

 

••

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who
you are on Halloween. ~ Erma Bombeck

 

••

On the night of a Halloween costume party a
couple were having trouble picking suitable
outfits.
After a while the wife got mad and stormed out
of the room.
Fifteen minutes later she came back completely
naked except for a lemon between her legs.
The husband looked at her for a moment and
then stormed out of the room himself.
A few minutes passed and then he returned
with a potato around his penis.
The wife gave him a quizzical look and the
husband said, "If you're going as a sour-puss,
I'm going as a dictator."

 

••

A sad man walks into a bar......
and the bartender asks him what the problem is.
"My life is awful," the man says.
"Every night, I play Trivial Pursuit with my wife,
and every night she beats me."
"Well, why don't you just stop playing Trivial
Pursuit?" the bartender asks.
"I love the game," the man says.
"I'm a genius....... I never lose."
The bartender is confused.
"I thought you just said your wife beats you."
"Well," the man says, "she's a sore loser."

 

••

The worst thing about Halloween is, of course,
candy corn.
Candy corn is the only candy in the history of
America thats never been advertised.
And theres a reason -- all of the candy corn that
was ever made was made in 1911.

 

••

Every time I'm up in court in front of the judge,
I always mumble my answers.
I'll get a 'Pardon?' one of these days.

 

••

Five Jewish men influenced the history of
Western civilization.
Moses said the law is everything.
Jesus said love is everything.
Marx said capital is everything.
Freud said sex is everything.
Einstein said everything is relative.

 

••

A history joke;
Who succeeded the first President of the USA?
The second one!

 

••

A high-ranking health official in Amsterdam is
taking a strong stance against sugar.
He says sugar is an addictive, dangerous drug that
should be regulated by the government.
He wants to put warning labels on sugar.
This is coming from a place where you can get pot
in your Happy Meal.

 

••

They have a section called, New Baby.
I don't think you need the word new.
They'd have to clear up confusion.
Do you have an Old Baby section?
Cause my friends had a baby, and I let time get
away from me, and he's 12.

••••

 

 

••

 

••

♥

 

Two Irish nuns were sitting at traffic light in
their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls
up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us your t%ts, ye bloody penguins!"
shouts one of the drunks.
The Mother Superior turns to Sister
Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we
are - show them your cross."
So Sister Immaculata rolls down her window
and shouts, "Screw off ye little fookin wankers,
before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother
Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough?" 

 

••

The height of Hypochrisy
The Department of Agriculture is responsible
for the care of our national parks.
In Yosemite National park there is a sign that
reads:
 "PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIAMALS
 THEY WILL BECOME DEPENDANT
 AND WILL NOT BE ABLE TO TAKE CARE
OF THEMSELVES"
The Department of Agriculture also administers
the food stamp program and has announced:
 "We are pleased to say we now supply Food
Stamps to more people than ever before"
 

 

••
Warning there are several fake health care sites
made up to look like the gov. health care site..
So be extra carefull when clicking on any link..
So far the only way to tell the differance between
the fake sites and the real site is that the fake
sites are actualy up and working, where as the
gov site is not..

••
Dan is talking to his buddy Aaron over some
drinks at the local watering hole.
Dan says, "What kind of women wear clothes
that expose?"
Aaron, finishing his drink, replied, "Those who
do not trust the imaginative creativity of men!"

 

••

Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised
never to do it again.
One Grand Canyon is enough.

 

••

A worried father confronted his daughter one
night.
"I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough and
common and bloody stupid with it."
"Oh no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "Fred's
ever so clever, we've only been going out nine
weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used
to get once a month."

 

••

Starbucks announced they don't want customers
bringing guns into their stores.
Meanwhile, Dunkin' Donuts said there is nothing
you can bring in here that's more dangerous than
what we serve.

 

••

Kevin Trudeau, the king of infomercials, has been
sent to jail for fraud.
The judge sentenced him to 10 years.
But then he said, "Wait, there's more," and added
another five years.

 

••

A friend asked my wife if I was hard to please
She replied, "Don't know. Never tried."  

 

••

A Japanese rancher told reporters in Tokyo in
July that he herds cattle by outfitting them with
pocket pagers (beepers), which he calls from
his portable phone.
After a week of training, the cows associate the
beeping with eating and hustle up for grub.

 

••

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at
which one can die.

 

••••

 

 

••

 

••

♥

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
Virgin Mobile...

 

••

Alan tells me about his son and his son's new
under-wear with superheroes on it. 
One morning he comes runninginto the
bedroom, grabs the front of his pants and
annouces proudly, "Ive got Superman in my
pants, Daddy. 
What haveyou got in yours?" 
Before checking, I turned to my wife,
"Well, how should I answer him?" 
She was too busy laughing.

 

••

A man took his wife to the doctors.
After a short examination the doctor said
"Your wife's mind has completely gone!"
To which the man replied "I'm not surprised.
She's been giving a piece of it to me every day
for the past 25 years!"

 

••

Henry Abel's son, David, burst into the house,
crying like everything.
His Mama asked him what the problem was.
"Pop and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant
fish.
Really big.
Then, while reeling it in, the line busted and
the fish got away."
"Now come on, David," his mother said, "a big
boy like you shouldn't be crying about an
accident like that.
You should have laughed."
"That's what I did, Mama."

 

••

A little boy asked his Dad: What’s between
mom’s legs?
The father answers: Paradise, my son.
The kid asks again: What’s between your legs?
The father replies: The key to the paradise.
The son says: Piece of advice Dad, change the
lock, the neighbour has a duplicate key.

 

••

Two male giraffes walk into a bar.
The both order a cocktail.
When the drinks are served, each takes a sip.
One turns to the other and says,
"Man, I just love having high balls!"

 

••

A woman was in bed having sex with her
husband's friend, when all of a sudden the
telephone rings, she answers.
After hanging up she says, ''That was Harry,
but don't worry, he won't be home for a while.
He's playing cards with you.''

 

••

I got home very late last night from a poker
evening with my mates.
The wife was of course waiting up, ready to
moan as usual.
"Stop!" I said.
"Don't even bother getting pissed off.
Pack your bags.
I lost you in the poker game.
You're moving in with Bob."
"How could you do such a terrible thing?"
she whined.
"Wasn't easy," I said.
"You don't normally fold with four aces." 

 

••

How's everyone holding up?
It's crazy out there!
I've killed 15 zombies so far!
And why the hell are they all carrying candy?

 

••

After taking LSD I found myself in my back
garden, violently stabbing a grass snake.
Anyway, now I've sobered up, I realize I
probably owe my mom a new hose.

 

••••

 

••

I expect to see lots of these this  Halloween...

 

••

♥

 

Our receptionist, (yes, she is a blonde), often
takes orders to call out for pizza on nights we
work late.
One night, after placing an order for two pizza's
from around the corner, we asked her how
long it would be.
She said she was told 40 minutes.
When we commented to her that we thought
that was a long time, she responded "that seems
about right, it takes 20 minutes to cook
a pizza and we ordered 2 of them".

 

••

I do system support in a law firm.
The other day I had to log a user off and then
back on.
I entered her initials and then she just gave me
her password (Rule No. 1 broken).
Her password is genius.
After three tries and the system telling me
"access denied," I asked her how to spell it.
She said, "G - E - N - I - O - U - S."

 

••

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone,
who comes in on a fairly regular basis.
After the second week, he made his move.
"No thank you," she said politely."
"This may sound rather odd in this day and age,
but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the
man I love."
"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.
"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said.
"But, it has my husband pretty upset."

 

••

Why are politicians like diapers?
Both should be changed regularly and for the
same reason.

 

••

Many years ago my just married young cousin
moved into an upstairs apartment and invited
some of her women friends over for the evening.
She put out snacks and then came out with a
cake that looked like a disaster.
She apologized and said she didn't know what
happened to the cake because, she explained,
"I even used the high altitude directions because
I live upstairs."

 

••

Danny, a college student, also worked as a
part-time pizza delivery boy.
One day he arrived at Mr. Thompson's residence
to deliver pizza.
After taking the pizza, Mr. Thompson asked
Danny, "How much tip do you get normally?"
"Well," replied Danny, "this is my first trip to
your place, but the other boys say if I can
manage to get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing
just fine."
"Is that so?" said an offended Mr. Thompson,
"Well, just to prove them wrong, here's five
dollars."
"Thanks," replied Danny, "I'll put this in my
college fund."
"What are you studying in college?" asked Mr.
Thompson.
Danny gave a quick smile and said,
"Applied psychology."

 

••

You can only be young once, but you can be
immature forever.

 

••

There was a elderly widow who lived in a large
mansion.
She was feeling generous when it came to
Thanksgiving, so she called up the local
military base, and asked to speak with the
lieutenant.
"Please send up four nice young men to eat
dinner here on Thanksgiving, but please, don't
send any Jews........ Please, no Jews,"
The lieutenant replied, "No problem ma'am,
and I am sure I speak for the army when I say
we all appreciate your kindness."
Well, Thanksgiving rolled around, and the
widow went to answer the door when it rang.
She was surprised to see four black recruits.
"But... But... There must be some mistake,"
she stammered.
One of them replied, "No ma'am,
Lieutenant Goldstein doesn't make mistakes."

 

••

TEACHER—"Now, Willie, where did you get
that chewing gum?
I want the truth."
WILLIE—"You don't want the truth, teacher,
an' I'd ruther not tell a lie."
TEACHER—"How dare you say I don't want the
truth!
Tell me at once where you got that chewing-gum."
WILLIE—"Under your desk.

 

••

ON DEEP THOUGHTS
A day without sunshine is like night.

 

••••

••

 

••

♥

With the divorce rate so high in America, a new
organization has been formed called
"Marriage Anonymous."
Whenever a guy feels like getting married,
they send over a woman with crulers in her hair,
cream on her face and wearing a torn housecoat
to nag him out of it.

 

••

The N.S.A. leaker Edward Snowden today
reached out to the United States government,
offering to fix its troubled healthcare.gov Web
site in exchange for immunity from prosecution.
Speaking from an undisclosed location in
Russia, Mr. Snowden said he hacked the Web
site over the weekend and thinks he is “pretty
sure what the problem is.”

 

••

"In the End, we will remember not the words of
our enemies, but the silence of our friends. "
    - Martin Luther King Jr. (1929-1968)

 

••

I asked someone if they knew any good jokes
the other day and they just raised their hand
and pointed at me!

 

••

It was a bad idea to wear a nurses uniform for
my Halloween night out.
I got forced to do an eight hour shift at the
hospital after I brought my friend in with a
broken nose.

 

••

Janny sez;
Men say they don't trust anything that bleeds
for 5 days and doesn't die.
Well, I don't trust anything with 2 heads and
only 1 brain!

 

••

“Back in the days when the guillotine was first
used, people wondered, is this what we may
beheaded for in the future?”

 

••

My wife hasn't been feeling all that well lately.
Something she agreed with is eating her.

 

••

A Baptist preacher went to visit Mr. Johnson,
a member of the community but not a church
member.
The preacher was intent on getting Mr. Johnson
to church, and invited him to come to services
Sunday morning.
It seems that this man was a producer of fine
peach brandy, and told the preacher that he
would attend his church if the pastor would
drink some of his brandy and admit doing so
in front of his congregation.
The preacher agreed and drank up.
Sunday morning the man visited the church.
The preacher recognized the man from the
pulpit and said: "I see Mr. Johnson is here with
us this morning.
I want to thank him publically for his hospitality
this week and especially for the peaches he gave
me and the spirit in which they were given."

 

••

What do you call a man with his right hand in
a sharks mouth?
Lefty.

••••