••

 

••

♥

In the Garden of Eden lies Adam,
peacefully stroking his madam.
He does so with mirth,
for on all of this Earth,
there were only two tits
and he had 'em!

 

••

If Timex made toasters...
They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal
wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on
toasting.

 

••

A Collection Of Insults.....
- You must have gotten up on the wrong side
of the cage this morning.
- I would ask you how old you are, but I know
you can't count that high.
- In the next life, you'll blaze a way for us.
- You are master in your own house --
the doghouse!
- When you die, I'd like to go to your funeral,
but I'll probably have to go to work that day.
I believe in business before pleasure.
- You make me believe in reincarnation.
Nobody can be as stupid as you in one lifetime.
- Believe me, I don't want to make a monkey
out of you.
Why should I take all the credit?
- I hear you are very kind to animals,
so please give that face back to the gorilla.
- Keep talking. I always yawn when I'm
interested.
- Whatever is eating you -- must be suffering
horribly.

 

••

Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious.
She goes to play bingo at church every week even if
she has a cold.
Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany

 

••

Five Jewish men influenced the history of
Western civilization.
Moses said the law is everything.
Jesus said love is everything.
Marx said capital is everything.
Freud said sex is everything.
Einstein said everything is relative.

 

••

 

Twerking and Selfie have been added to the
dictionary.
Future and Optimism have been removed....

 

••

She: "Do you think of me when you're away darling?"
He: "Yes honey, I always bare you in mind."

 

••

From the Honolulu Advertiser more than 20
years ago as printed in Ann Landers, Sunday,
April 7, 1996, (slightly rephrased):
Senators William B. Spong of Virginia and
Hiram Fong of Hawaii sponsored a bill
recommending the mass ringing of church
bells to welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of
the U.S. Table Tennis
Team after its tour of Communist China.
The bill failed to pass, cheating the Senate out
of passing the Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping
Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill.

 

••

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
"15 men's wool suits, $10.
They won't last an hour!"

 

••
Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what
he had learned at Sunday school.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent
Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to
lead the Israelites out of Egypt.
"When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers
build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked
across safely.
"Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio
headquarters for reinforcements.
They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all
the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught
you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no.
But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never
believe it!"

 

••

I can't understand when people say they could
shit through the eye of a needle.
When I have diarrhoea, I lack that kind of
accuracy.

 

••

You ever get a new cell phone and youre too lazy to
transfer all the numbers over, so you just stop
being friends with a bunch of people?

 

•••7

 

 

••

 

••

♥

 

You Ought to be in Pictures: More than 50 people
responded to an invitationto a casting call for a
Robert DeNiro movie being shot in Boston.
The onlyproblem was, the invitations were sent by
police...... To people with outstanding arrest
warrants.
One woman complained she "took a day off from
work" to meetDeNiro.
She was led away in handcuffs instead.
"It's so nice to scam people who are scammers,"
one detective said.
The casting call, sent to 3,800fugitives, offered
more than $200 for two hours of work as extras,
plus the chance of "becoming famous." (UPI)

 

••

A guy burned two ears... so they were asking him
at the hospital how it happened.
He said, "I was ironing my clothing and the phone
rang...
so instead of the phone I picked up the iron and
burned my ear..."
"But how the heck did you burn the other ear?"
The doctor asked.
"How do you think I called you people?"

 

••

James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's
Mother") failure in his West Point chemistry
examination once provoked him to remark in
later life, "If silicon had been a gas, I should have
been a major general."

 

••

The doctor looked benignly at the woman who had
come to him for an examination.
"Mrs. Brown," he said, "I have some good news for
you."
The woman said, "I'm glad of that doctor, but I'm
Miss Brown,"
"Miss Brown," said the doctor without changing
expression, "I have bad news for you."

 

••

Due to inclement weather, the sandwich shop
wrapped up early Tuesday night.

 

••

I found my son hanging in his bedroom this morning.
There was a note on his bed which read, "I can't take the
critism anymore."
I quickly cut him down and managed to revive him.
As he lay in my arms and slowly opened his eyes, I said,
"That's not how you spell criticism."

 

••

German philosopher) George Wilhelm Hegel,
on his deathbed, complained,
"Only one man ever understood me."
He fell silent for a while and then added,
"And he didn't understand me."

 

••

Women don't make fools of men -
most of them are the do-it-yourself types

 

••

My teenage daughter came home in a rage.
‘I just had my first day of sex education in school
today, Dad!
You lied to me!
You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth
birthday, my boyfriend would die!’
I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart,
he will.’

 

••••

 

 

••

 

••

♥

 

I'm off to a fancy dress party this weekend disguised
as a Tupperware box and I'm so excited.
I can hardly contain myself.

 

••

A man was driving through Ireland when it became
apparent that he was lost.
He stopped and asked a local which was the
quickest way to Dublin.
The Irishman asked, "Are you walking or driving?"
"The man replied, "Driving." 
Irishman says. "Yep, thats the quickest way."

 

••

"A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt:
short enough to arouse interest but long enough to
cover the essentials."

 

•• 

The other day I had the opportunity to drop by my
department head's office.
He's a friendly guy and, on the rare opportunities
that I have to pay him a visit, we have had enjoyable
conversations.
While I was in his office, I asked him, "Sir, what is the
secret of your success?"
He said, "Two words."
"And, Sir, what are they?"
"Right decisions."
"But how do you make right decisions?"
"One word," he responded.
"And, Sir, what is that?"
"Experience."
"And how do you get experience?"
"Two words."
"And, Sir what are they?"
"Wrong decisions."

 

••

A prison guard is searching a prisoners cell when
he finds a gold sovereign.
"Where did you get this?" He demands.
"It's been in my family for generations," the
prisoner tells him.
"It's real!" The guard exclaims after biting the coin.
"You're going to regret doing that," the prisoner
says.
"Is that a threat?"
"No. But to smuggle it in here I had to stick it up
my arse. "

 

••

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: I takes too long to retrain them.

 

••

I'd like to say to the man wearing camouflage...
and using crutches who stole my wallet at the
weekend;
"You can hide, but you can't run."

 

•• 

My Grandma is worried.
She got a prescription last week that she has to take
for the rest of her life.
The bottle is marked "No refills.''

 

••

A man was playing a game of golf, and on hole 16,
he hit the ball right into a field of buttercups.
As honest a golfer as he normally was, he picked up
the ball and laid it next to the flowerbed to avoid
destroying the beautiful buttercups.
A fairy comes down and says "thank you for not
disturbing my buttercups.
For that I shall make sure that you always have
a full supply of butter".
"Thank you," the golfer replied, "but where were
you last week when I hit the ball into the pussywillows?"

 

••••

 

 

 

••

 

••

♥

 

The earth may spin faster on its axis due to
deforestation.
Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when
the arms are brought in close to the body, the
cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin
dangerously fast.

 

••

Teacher: "Little Johnny, give me a sentence using
the word, 'geometry.'"
Little Johnny: "A little acorn grew and grew until it
finally awoke one day and said, 'Gee, I'm a tree."

 

••

Jesus can walk on water,
but Chuck Norris can swim on land.

 

••

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ping Pong!
Ping Pong who?
Ping Pong the witch is dead....!

 

••

Beginning next year, Greene County's jails will ban
cigarettes, stop handing out sugar and begin
charging for coffee.
Prison officials are also contemplating a complete
end to bed turn-down / chocolate mint service and
expect to slash the concierge's hours in half.

 

••

There once was a lady from Worcester,
Who thought a man had seduced her.
She woke up and screamed,
It was only a dream,
It was the bump on the mattress that goosed her.

 

••

A young lady was a theater major applying for fall
semester classes.
At the end of the busy day she goes back to her
dorm and enters in a huff of anger.
"What's wrong, Shelly?" Asks her roommate.
"Well, all the acting classes are filled.
I couldn't even get into Mime class."
"Why not?"
"How should I know?
You can't get a word out of those people!"

 

••

A good lawyer knows the law, but a great lawyer
knows the judge.

 

••

The reason hot-rod owners raise the backs of their
cars is that it's easier to go faster when you're
always going downhill.

 

••••

 

 

••

 

••

♥

Today's SPECIAL in the Nairobi Mall food store....
*Swiss cheese*
Used to be ordinary tasty cheddar but we have put
a lot of 9mm holes in it specially for you.

 

••

Norreen did a "Self-Judi" when meeting a business
partner of her husband. 
She was asked if she came from a large family.
"I said, no, the men are only about six feet tall and
pretty thin."

 

••

Job Interview Question;
You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy
night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three
people waiting for the bus:
   1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
   2. An old friend who once saved your life.
   3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been
dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to,
knowing that there could only be one passenger in
your car?
Think before you continue reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once
actually used as part of a job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going
to die, and thus you should save her first; or you
could take the old friend because he once saved
your life, and this would be the perfect chance to
pay him back.
However, you may never be able to find your perfect
dream lover again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants)
had no trouble coming up with his answer.
 He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to
my old friend, and let him take the lady to the
hospital.
I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the
woman of my dreams."
Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

 

••

Spence was discussing the latest design changes on
this one car at the car show. 
Someone noted the windshield wipers now didn't
show from the front of the car. 
I opened my mouth and seriously suggested,
"maybe the windshield wipers are on the *inside*
of the windshield now . . . "

 

••

In England they opened the world’s first sex theme
park.
You know what is really embarrassing?
When a guy flunks the “You must be this big to get
on this ride” test.

 

••

A Turk by the name of Haroun
Ate whisky by means of a spoon
To one who asked why
This turk made reply:
"To drink is forbidden, you loon."

 

••

Why Yawning Is Contagious:  You yawn to
equalize thepressure on your eardrums. 
This pressure change outside your eardrums
unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they
must yawn to even it out.

 

••

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot
instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers
take their seats and get prepared for an emergency
landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight
attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except
the lawyers are still going around passing out
business cards."

 

••

Lord, how the day passes! It's like a life -
so quickly when we don't
watch it, and so slowly if we do. - John Steinbeck

 

••

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a
desolated area.
Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big
strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull,
Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!"
Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco,
pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy,
pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of
the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very
curious.
He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the
wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he
thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't
even try!"

 

••

A man goes into a library and asks where he can 
find books on suicide.
‘First row on the left,’ replied the librarian.
The man replies, ‘But I’ve already looked in that
section, It’s empty.’
‘I’m not surprised,’ says the librarian.
‘They don’t often bring them back.'

 

••••