••
♥
In the Garden of Eden lies Adam,
peacefully stroking his madam.
He does so with mirth,
for on all of this Earth,
there were only two tits
and he had 'em!
••
If Timex made toasters...
They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal
wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on
toasting.
They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal
wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on
toasting.
••
A Collection Of Insults.....
- You must have gotten up on the wrong side
of the cage this morning.
- I would ask you how old you are, but I know
you can't count that high.
- In the next life, you'll blaze a way for us.
- You are master in your own house --
the doghouse!
- When you die, I'd like to go to your funeral,
but I'll probably have to go to work that day.
I believe in business before pleasure.
- You make me believe in reincarnation.
Nobody can be as stupid as you in one lifetime.
- Believe me, I don't want to make a monkey
out of you.
Why should I take all the credit?
- I hear you are very kind to animals,
so please give that face back to the gorilla.
- Keep talking. I always yawn when I'm
interested.
- Whatever is eating you -- must be suffering
horribly.
- You must have gotten up on the wrong side
of the cage this morning.
- I would ask you how old you are, but I know
you can't count that high.
- In the next life, you'll blaze a way for us.
- You are master in your own house --
the doghouse!
- When you die, I'd like to go to your funeral,
but I'll probably have to go to work that day.
I believe in business before pleasure.
- You make me believe in reincarnation.
Nobody can be as stupid as you in one lifetime.
- Believe me, I don't want to make a monkey
out of you.
Why should I take all the credit?
- I hear you are very kind to animals,
so please give that face back to the gorilla.
- Keep talking. I always yawn when I'm
interested.
- Whatever is eating you -- must be suffering
horribly.
••
Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious.
She goes to play bingo at church every week even if
she has a cold.
Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany
She goes to play bingo at church every week even if
she has a cold.
Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany
••
Five Jewish men influenced the history of
Western civilization.
Moses said the law is everything.
Jesus said love is everything.
Marx said capital is everything.
Freud said sex is everything.
Einstein said everything is relative.
Western civilization.
Moses said the law is everything.
Jesus said love is everything.
Marx said capital is everything.
Freud said sex is everything.
Einstein said everything is relative.
••
Twerking and Selfie have been added to the
dictionary.
Future and Optimism have been removed....
dictionary.
Future and Optimism have been removed....
••
She: "Do you think of me when you're away darling?"
He: "Yes honey, I always bare you in mind."
He: "Yes honey, I always bare you in mind."
••
From the Honolulu Advertiser more than 20
years ago as printed in Ann Landers, Sunday,
April 7, 1996, (slightly rephrased):
Senators William B. Spong of Virginia and
Hiram Fong of Hawaii sponsored a bill
recommending the mass ringing of church
bells to welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of
the U.S. Table Tennis
Team after its tour of Communist China.
The bill failed to pass, cheating the Senate out
of passing the Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping
Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill.
years ago as printed in Ann Landers, Sunday,
April 7, 1996, (slightly rephrased):
Senators William B. Spong of Virginia and
Hiram Fong of Hawaii sponsored a bill
recommending the mass ringing of church
bells to welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of
the U.S. Table Tennis
Team after its tour of Communist China.
The bill failed to pass, cheating the Senate out
of passing the Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping
Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill.
••
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
"15 men's wool suits, $10.
They won't last an hour!"
"15 men's wool suits, $10.
They won't last an hour!"
••
Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what
he had learned at Sunday school.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent
Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to
lead the Israelites out of Egypt.
"When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers
build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked
across safely.
"Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio
headquarters for reinforcements.
They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all
the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught
you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no.
But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never
believe it!"
Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what
he had learned at Sunday school.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent
Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to
lead the Israelites out of Egypt.
"When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers
build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked
across safely.
"Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio
headquarters for reinforcements.
They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all
the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught
you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no.
But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never
believe it!"
••
I can't understand when people say they could
shit through the eye of a needle.
When I have diarrhoea, I lack that kind of
accuracy.
shit through the eye of a needle.
When I have diarrhoea, I lack that kind of
accuracy.
••
You ever get a new cell phone and youre too lazy to
transfer all the numbers over, so you just stop
being friends with a bunch of people?
transfer all the numbers over, so you just stop
being friends with a bunch of people?
•••7
