••
♥
The Secretary came in late for work the third day
in a row.
The Boss called her into his office and said,
"Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling
for a while, but that's over.
I expect you to conduct yourself like any other
employee around here.
Who told you you could come and go as you
please around here ?"
Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and
while exhaling said, "My lawyer."
••
An old man and old woman had been married
for about 52 years when one day the old woman
died.
The entire family showed up to the funeral.
Every day after the funeral the old man would
show up at the grave with his dog and spend a
few minutes out there.
About two months later a priest saw the old man
out there with his dog and decided to go talk to
the old man.
"Hello there.
You know, we see you come out here every day
to visit your wife's grave and we just think that
is so sweet.
We were all wondering if the dog is something
that was special to your wife since you always
bring it out here with you."
"No, actually I bring the dog out here to pee on
the grave.
I'd do it myself, but I'd get arrested for indecent
exposure!"
for about 52 years when one day the old woman
died.
The entire family showed up to the funeral.
Every day after the funeral the old man would
show up at the grave with his dog and spend a
few minutes out there.
About two months later a priest saw the old man
out there with his dog and decided to go talk to
the old man.
"Hello there.
You know, we see you come out here every day
to visit your wife's grave and we just think that
is so sweet.
We were all wondering if the dog is something
that was special to your wife since you always
bring it out here with you."
"No, actually I bring the dog out here to pee on
the grave.
I'd do it myself, but I'd get arrested for indecent
exposure!"
••
Gus was known among his friends to be very
brief and to the point - he never said too much.
One day, a saleswoman promoting a certain
brand of brushes knocked his door and asked
to see his wife, so gus told her that she
wasn't home.
" Well," the woman said, " could I please wait
for her?"
Gus directed her to the drawing room and
left her there for more than three hours.
After feeling really worried, she called out for
him and asked," May I know where your wife is?"
"She went to the cemetery," he replied.
"And when is she returning?"
"I don't really know," he said.
"She's been there eleven years now."
brief and to the point - he never said too much.
One day, a saleswoman promoting a certain
brand of brushes knocked his door and asked
to see his wife, so gus told her that she
wasn't home.
" Well," the woman said, " could I please wait
for her?"
Gus directed her to the drawing room and
left her there for more than three hours.
After feeling really worried, she called out for
him and asked," May I know where your wife is?"
"She went to the cemetery," he replied.
"And when is she returning?"
"I don't really know," he said.
"She's been there eleven years now."
••
One fellow really thought his marriage was
secure.
But a week or so after he moved to Dallas from
Kansas City, he noticed he had the same
mailman and milkman.
secure.
But a week or so after he moved to Dallas from
Kansas City, he noticed he had the same
mailman and milkman.
••
There's this cathedral that's still being worked on,
and the workers have rigged a "cage elevator"
inside so they can get material up and down to the
upper floors.
A characteristic of these "cage elevators" is that the
doors (gate) must be closed manually for them to
be "called" to another floor.
One day one of the workers, Peter by name, takes
the elevator to the top floor, and it is subsequently
needed on the first floor by the sexton.
Unfortunately, Peter forgot and left the door open.
After the sexton rings for the elevator a couple
times, to no avail, he yells up for the worker to
send the lift back down.
Visitors to the cathedral were treated to this sight:
The sexton of the cathedral, head tipped up, yelling
up to the heavens:
"Peter! CLOSE THE GATES!!!"
and the workers have rigged a "cage elevator"
inside so they can get material up and down to the
upper floors.
A characteristic of these "cage elevators" is that the
doors (gate) must be closed manually for them to
be "called" to another floor.
One day one of the workers, Peter by name, takes
the elevator to the top floor, and it is subsequently
needed on the first floor by the sexton.
Unfortunately, Peter forgot and left the door open.
After the sexton rings for the elevator a couple
times, to no avail, he yells up for the worker to
send the lift back down.
Visitors to the cathedral were treated to this sight:
The sexton of the cathedral, head tipped up, yelling
up to the heavens:
"Peter! CLOSE THE GATES!!!"
••
Every one keeps teasing me about being so damn
lazy.
I just can't do this anymore.
I think I'm just going to kill myself.
But the gun is like... way over there.
lazy.
I just can't do this anymore.
I think I'm just going to kill myself.
But the gun is like... way over there.
••
Things weren't going too well for the husband
business-wise and he got his wife an imitation
tennis bracelet, instead of the real one she
wanted for their anniversary.
"I hope you understand sweetheart, but you can
pretend it's real."
"Fine!" she said pouting, "And tonight in bed,
you can pretend I'm there under you."
business-wise and he got his wife an imitation
tennis bracelet, instead of the real one she
wanted for their anniversary.
"I hope you understand sweetheart, but you can
pretend it's real."
"Fine!" she said pouting, "And tonight in bed,
you can pretend I'm there under you."
••
Chuck Norris can make onions cry.
Chuck Norris can make onions cry.
••
When I noticed that my son had began to like girls
I had that dreaded Father to Son talk.
I told him.. "Son.. I know they're cute when their
young.
But they get older and bigger.
They poop and they pee.
You have to feed and water them, take them for
walks, get their shots,..
They shed their hair all over the furniture.
Plus you have to register them at the courthouse
to own
one."
He looked at me puzzled and asked..
"What are we talking about?"
"Girls son! Girls!"
When I noticed that my son had began to like girls
I had that dreaded Father to Son talk.
I told him.. "Son.. I know they're cute when their
young.
But they get older and bigger.
They poop and they pee.
You have to feed and water them, take them for
walks, get their shots,..
They shed their hair all over the furniture.
Plus you have to register them at the courthouse
to own
one."
He looked at me puzzled and asked..
"What are we talking about?"
"Girls son! Girls!"
••
Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little
League team.
We need God's help or a new pitcher.
Thank you.
Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh
League team.
We need God's help or a new pitcher.
Thank you.
Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh
••••
