••
♥
I'm off to a fancy dress party this weekend disguised
as a Tupperware box and I'm so excited.
I can hardly contain myself.
••
A man was driving through Ireland when it became
apparent that he was lost.
He stopped and asked a local which was the
quickest way to Dublin.
The Irishman asked, "Are you walking or driving?"
"The man replied, "Driving."
Irishman says. "Yep, thats the quickest way."
apparent that he was lost.
He stopped and asked a local which was the
quickest way to Dublin.
The Irishman asked, "Are you walking or driving?"
"The man replied, "Driving."
Irishman says. "Yep, thats the quickest way."
••
"A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt:
short enough to arouse interest but long enough to
cover the essentials."
short enough to arouse interest but long enough to
cover the essentials."
••
The other day I had the opportunity to drop by my
department head's office.
He's a friendly guy and, on the rare opportunities
that I have to pay him a visit, we have had enjoyable
conversations.
While I was in his office, I asked him, "Sir, what is the
secret of your success?"
He said, "Two words."
"And, Sir, what are they?"
"Right decisions."
"But how do you make right decisions?"
"One word," he responded.
"And, Sir, what is that?"
"Experience."
"And how do you get experience?"
"Two words."
"And, Sir what are they?"
"Wrong decisions."
department head's office.
He's a friendly guy and, on the rare opportunities
that I have to pay him a visit, we have had enjoyable
conversations.
While I was in his office, I asked him, "Sir, what is the
secret of your success?"
He said, "Two words."
"And, Sir, what are they?"
"Right decisions."
"But how do you make right decisions?"
"One word," he responded.
"And, Sir, what is that?"
"Experience."
"And how do you get experience?"
"Two words."
"And, Sir what are they?"
"Wrong decisions."
••
A prison guard is searching a prisoners cell when
he finds a gold sovereign.
"Where did you get this?" He demands.
"It's been in my family for generations," the
prisoner tells him.
"It's real!" The guard exclaims after biting the coin.
"You're going to regret doing that," the prisoner
says.
"Is that a threat?"
"No. But to smuggle it in here I had to stick it up
my arse. "
he finds a gold sovereign.
"Where did you get this?" He demands.
"It's been in my family for generations," the
prisoner tells him.
"It's real!" The guard exclaims after biting the coin.
"You're going to regret doing that," the prisoner
says.
"Is that a threat?"
"No. But to smuggle it in here I had to stick it up
my arse. "
••
Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: I takes too long to retrain them.
A: I takes too long to retrain them.
••
I'd like to say to the man wearing camouflage...
and using crutches who stole my wallet at the
weekend;
"You can hide, but you can't run."
and using crutches who stole my wallet at the
weekend;
"You can hide, but you can't run."
••
My Grandma is worried.
She got a prescription last week that she has to take
for the rest of her life.
The bottle is marked "No refills.''
She got a prescription last week that she has to take
for the rest of her life.
The bottle is marked "No refills.''
••
A man was playing a game of golf, and on hole 16,
he hit the ball right into a field of buttercups.
As honest a golfer as he normally was, he picked up
the ball and laid it next to the flowerbed to avoid
destroying the beautiful buttercups.
A fairy comes down and says "thank you for not
disturbing my buttercups.
For that I shall make sure that you always have
a full supply of butter".
"Thank you," the golfer replied, "but where were
you last week when I hit the ball into the pussywillows?"
he hit the ball right into a field of buttercups.
As honest a golfer as he normally was, he picked up
the ball and laid it next to the flowerbed to avoid
destroying the beautiful buttercups.
A fairy comes down and says "thank you for not
disturbing my buttercups.
For that I shall make sure that you always have
a full supply of butter".
"Thank you," the golfer replied, "but where were
you last week when I hit the ball into the pussywillows?"
••••
