••

 

••

♥

 

When you say "no one's perfect",
Chuck Norris takes it as a personal insult.

 

••

Mommy, Mommy! What is a deliquent child?
Shut up, light your cigarette, drink your whisky
and deal those cards.

 

••

Whenever my friend Dave starts stuttering,
I always try and lighten the mood.
By pretending to scratch invisible turntables....

 

••

Due to inclement weather, the sandwich shop
wrapped up early Tuesday night.

 

••

John and Nancy were married for 40 years and
decided they wanted to renew their vows and
planned a second wedding.
They were discussing the details with their friends.
Nancy wasn't going to wear a traditional bridal
gown and she started describing the dress she was
planning to wear.
One of her friends asked what color shoes she had
to go with the dress.
Nancy replied, "Silver."
At that point, her husband chimed in,
"Yep silver...to match her hair."
Shooting a glaring look at John's bald spot,
Nancy's
friend said, "So John, I guess you must be going
barefoot?"

 

••

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...
then you probably haven't completely understood
the situation.

 

••

Sign in a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day.
During that time we regret that you will be
unbearable.

 

••

 If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their
Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a
voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...
would you be my friend?"

 

•• 

Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog
food Fido wouldn't eat?
Shut up and eat your meat loaf.

 

••••

••

 

••

♥

 

 

An American woman travelling in south-east Asia
was horrified to be served bird's nest soup.
"Do you mean to say this actually is a bird's nest?"
she protested.
The chef assured her that it was, explaining that
the bird built the nest using its own saliva as glue.
"Are you saying I'm supposed to eat saliva from a
bird?" she demanded.
"I can't imagine anyone eating bird's saliva."
Realizing that there was no hope of converting her,
the chef asked what she would prefer instead.
She answered, "Oh, just fix me an omelette."

 

••

The Montana Department of Employment,
Division of Labor Standards claimed a small
rancher was not paying proper wages to his help
and sent an agent out to investigate him.
AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how
much you pay them.
RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand who's
been with me for 3 years.
I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. 
Then there's the mentally challenged guy.
He works about 18 hours every day and does about
90% of all the work around here. 
He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room
and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every
Saturday night so he can cope with life.
He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.
AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to -
the mentally challenged one.
RANCHER: That would be me.

 

••

A husband, having been commanded by his wife,
went to the doctor for a vasectomy.
The doctor told him, "Don't worry, after the
operation you will be very horny and you won't
worry about getting anyone pregnant."
So the husband got up and left saying,
"Never mind, I must have already had one."

 

••

What’s the worst part about getting a lung 
transplant?
The first couple of times you cough, its not your
phlegm.

 

•• 

A man is recovering from surgery when the
Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is
feeling.
'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the
doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'

 

••

THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC,
PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN
RECENT YEARS.
25% of the women in this country are on
medication for mental illness.
That's scary.
It means 75% are running around untreated.

 

••

Q: How do you tell if an Arkansas girl is old enough to marry?
A: Make her stand in a barrel.
If her chin is over the top, she's old enough.
If it isn't, cut the barrel down a bit.

 

••

Scientists have discovered what causes memory
loss in older people.
Uh, I forgot what the discovery was...Shit!

 

••

Mommy, Mommy! What is a delinquent child?
Shut up and pass me the crowbar.

 

••••

 

 

••

 

••

♥

 

Ann Summers are now selling an alcoholic vagina
gel.
Anti-drink campaigners fear it might lead to 24hr
minge drinking......

 

••
Proofreading is a Dying Art these days!
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter..
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says..
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers..
Miners Refuse to Work after Death..
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant..
War Dims Hope for Peace...
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile..
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures..
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges...
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge..
 Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft..
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks..

••
I finally managed to give my wife multiple orgasms,
but she still isn't happy.
Apparently it doesn't count if there's a year between
the first and second one.

 

••

Heard about the sex position called 'the plumber'?
You stay in all day and nobody comes...

 

••

After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy
nurse standing over me.
She said, "You may not feel anything from the
waist down."
"Fair enough," I replied, groping her breasts.....

 

••

Correctness Update;
Due to the climate of political correctness now
pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and
West Virginians will no longer be referred to as
'HILLBILLIES.'
You must now refer to them as
APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
And furthermore,  He does not act like a 'TOTAL
ASS' - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL
INVERSION.'
It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his
pants - It's 'TROUSER CLEAVAGE.

 

••

Justin Bieber saves a life ...
"I owe my Life to Justin Bieber"
I was in a coma for two years until one of the
Nurses played one of his songs to me, and I woke
from my coma just so I could turn that shit off ...

 ••

The editors at "Playboy" have selected Marilyn
Monroe for first place in its "The 100 Sexiest
Women of the Century" feature.
For organizational purposes, the list is divided into
"Chicks Who Slept WIth A Kennedy" and "Chicks
Who Didn't Sleep With A Kennedy."

 

••

Why do Farts stink?
So that Deaf people can enjoy them too....

 

••

Last night my spouse was berating me for wanting
to check my email as soon as I got home from work.
"You know", she complained, "I think that work
rules your life".
"No dear," I replied, "_you_ rule my life.
I just prefer work."

 

••

“The shoemaker did not deny his apprentice anything
he needed.
He gave his awl.”

••••

 

 

# 2085

••

 

••

♥
Sam was complaining to a friend,
"I had it all - money, a magnificent house, a fast car,
the love of a beautiful woman... then, poof!
It was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked the friend.
"My wife found out..."

 

••

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that
are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A: Because they already have boyfriends!

 

••

A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one
day.
While fishing, the old man starts talking about how
times have changed.
The young man picks up on this and starts talking
about the various problems and diseases going
around.
Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot
of problems with all these diseases when you were
young did they?"
Grandpa replies, "Nope."
Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe
sex?"
Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."

 

••

Lori, the pert and pretty Nurse took her troubles to
a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she
worked.
"Doctor, you must help me." she pleaded.
"It's gotten so that every time I date one of the
young doctors here, I end up in bed with him.
And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for
a week."
"I see." nodded the psychiatrist.
"And you want me to strengthen your will power
and resolve in this matter?"
"For God's sake, no!" exclaimed the Nurse.
"I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and
depressed afterwards."

 

••

Two cab drivers meet.
"Hey," asked one, "what's the idea of painting one
side of your cab red and the other side blue?"
"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an
accident, you should see how all the witnesses
contradict each other."

 

••

It was their first date, and she'd shown the patience
of a saint as he babbled on and on about his
hobbies, his pet peeves, his driving techniques, and
even the standards he used to choose his barber.
Finally, he came up for air and said, "But enough
about me.
Let's talk about you."
She breathed a sigh of relief.
He went on, "What do you think about me?"

 

••

A Jewish father has two kids who want to sell
lemonade on the street corner for 15 cents a glass.
He figures he'll spend about 3 bucks on the
ingredients, the kids will sell maybe 10 glasses and
then drink the rest and get stomach aches.
His eventual response:
"Go stand on the corner for two hours and come
back, I'll give you two dollars...... Everybody wins."

 

••

I was reading my Bible (King James V.) Last night
and found a reference to PMS.
I believe it was in Matthew.
It was something like "...and Mary rode Joseph's
ass all the way to Bethleham."

 

••

The rescue team finds the crashed airplane.
The lone survivor is chewing on a bone, with a
huge pile of human bones next to him, and the
rescuers are shocked.
He says, "You can't judge me for this.
I had to survive."
The leader of the rescue team says,
"But Jesus Christ, man... your plane only went
down yesterday."

 

••

Mommy, Mommy! My teacher says my head is too
big.
Shut up and get your hat from the garage, so your
father can bring the car in!

 

••

A young minister, in the first days of his first parish,
was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric
man who had just died.
Standing before the open casket and consoling the
widow, he said, "I know this must be a very hard
blow, Mrs. Vernon.
But we must remember that what we see here is the
husk only, the shell...
the nut has gone to heaven."

•••• 

 

 

••

 

••

♥

I drove my car into a river and watched it turn into
a mobile phone.
 One minute, a Kia.
Next minute, Nokia. 

 

••

Jim is weighing himself in the bathroom, sucking
in his stomach, when his wife comes in and says
sarcastically, "That's not going to help."
Jim says, "It does help, it's the only way I can see
the numbers." 

••
During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was
invited to a buffet luncheon at which cold fried
chicken was served.
Returning for a second helping, he asked politely,
"May I have some breast?"
"Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country
we ask for white meat or dark meat."
Churchill apologized profusely.
The following morning, the lady received a
magnificent orchid from her guest of honor.
The accompanying card read: "I would be most
obliged if you would pin this on your white meat."

••
A famous surgeon went on a safari in Africa. 
When he came back, his colleagues asked him how
it had been.
 "Oh, it was very disappointing,"he said. 
"I didn't kill a thing. 
I'd have been better off staying here....
in the hospital."

 

••

Q: Why should we feel bad for the gay homeless
population?
A: None of them have closets to come out of.

 

••

A five year old boy comes to visit his grandparents
 and notices his grandfather sitting on the porch,
in the rocker, wearing only a shirt, naked from the
waist down.
"Grandpa, whatcha' doing? You're weenie's out
and everybody can see!" he exclaimed.
Grandpa looked off in the distance, not answering.
"Grandpa, whatcha' doin' sitting out here with no
pants on?" he asked again.
Grandpa looked at him and said, "Son, last week
I sat here with no shirt on, Just watching the cars
go by.... and I got a stiff neck.
This is your Grandma's idea."

 

••

One of our Favorite Headlines.....
"Prostitutes Appeal to Pope"

 

••

Women ! Who can figure 'em out ?
Now that the kids are grown and gone, my wife
sez she needs more "outside interests".
I thought I'd surprise her and presented her with
a brand new fancy lawn mower, just the other day.
Now, she's mad with me.

 

••

I tried to be polite and hold the door open for 
a woman, but she kept screaming,
"I'm peeing in here!"

 

•• 

Study: 25% of American toddlers know how to use
 an iPad.
That's nothing........
100% of Chinese toddlers know how to make one.

••••