Down Hummingbird Lane

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♥

 

When you say "no one's perfect",
Chuck Norris takes it as a personal insult.

 

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Mommy, Mommy! What is a deliquent child?
Shut up, light your cigarette, drink your whisky
and deal those cards.

 

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Whenever my friend Dave starts stuttering,
I always try and lighten the mood.
By pretending to scratch invisible turntables....

 

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Due to inclement weather, the sandwich shop
wrapped up early Tuesday night.

 

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John and Nancy were married for 40 years and
decided they wanted to renew their vows and
planned a second wedding.
They were discussing the details with their friends.
Nancy wasn't going to wear a traditional bridal
gown and she started describing the dress she was
planning to wear.
One of her friends asked what color shoes she had
to go with the dress.
Nancy replied, "Silver."
At that point, her husband chimed in,
"Yep silver...to match her hair."
Shooting a glaring look at John's bald spot,
Nancy's
friend said, "So John, I guess you must be going
barefoot?"

 

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If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...
then you probably haven't completely understood
the situation.

 

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Sign in a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day.
During that time we regret that you will be
unbearable.

 

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 If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their
Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a
voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...
would you be my friend?"

 

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Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog
food Fido wouldn't eat?
Shut up and eat your meat loaf.

 

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