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A little boy came home eating a big candy bar.
Seeing the candy bar, his mother remembered he
had already spent all his allowance money.
Surprised, she asked him where he got it.
"I bought it at the store with the dollar you gave me,
" he said."
But that dollar was for Sunday School," his mother
replied.
Smiling, the boy said, "I know, Mom, but the Pastor
met me at the door and got me in for free!"
Seeing the candy bar, his mother remembered he
had already spent all his allowance money.
Surprised, she asked him where he got it.
"I bought it at the store with the dollar you gave me,
" he said."
But that dollar was for Sunday School," his mother
replied.
Smiling, the boy said, "I know, Mom, but the Pastor
met me at the door and got me in for free!"
••
George Costanza's Tips for Working Hard;
Never walk down the hall without a document in your
hands.
People with documents in their hands look like
hardworking employees heading for important meetings.
Peoplewith nothing in their hands look like they're
heading for the cafeteria.
People with a newspaper in their hand look like
they're heading for the toilet.
Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with
you at night, thus generating the false impression that
you work longer hours than you do.
Never walk down the hall without a document in your
hands.
People with documents in their hands look like
hardworking employees heading for important meetings.
Peoplewith nothing in their hands look like they're
heading for the cafeteria.
People with a newspaper in their hand look like
they're heading for the toilet.
Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with
you at night, thus generating the false impression that
you work longer hours than you do.
••
How do you turn a Fox into a Pit Bull?
Marry her !
Marry her !
••
Two guys went duck hunting.
One drank a bottle and a half of whisky while the
other kept watch.
After two hours, a solitary duck flew up.
The sober man took aim but missed.
"Quick," he said to his drunken friend, "try and hit
that duck."
The drunk waved his shotgun in the vague direction
of the sky, pulled the trigger and hit the duck.
"That's amazing," said the sober one.
"Not really," replied the drunk.
"When there's a whole flock you can hardly miss!"
One drank a bottle and a half of whisky while the
other kept watch.
After two hours, a solitary duck flew up.
The sober man took aim but missed.
"Quick," he said to his drunken friend, "try and hit
that duck."
The drunk waved his shotgun in the vague direction
of the sky, pulled the trigger and hit the duck.
"That's amazing," said the sober one.
"Not really," replied the drunk.
"When there's a whole flock you can hardly miss!"
••
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down
with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
••
Otto von Bismark, the first Chancellor of the
German Empire from 1871-90 had been conversing
for a rather long time with the British Ambassador
to Germany when the latter posed the question,
"How do you handle insistent visitors who take up
so much of your valuable time?"
Bismark answered, "Oh, I have an infallible method.
My servant appears and informs me that my wife
has something urgent to tell me."
At that moment there was a knock at the door, and
a servant entered with a message from his wife.
German Empire from 1871-90 had been conversing
for a rather long time with the British Ambassador
to Germany when the latter posed the question,
"How do you handle insistent visitors who take up
so much of your valuable time?"
Bismark answered, "Oh, I have an infallible method.
My servant appears and informs me that my wife
has something urgent to tell me."
At that moment there was a knock at the door, and
a servant entered with a message from his wife.
••
If you've ever lost your iPhone, take solace in the
thought that maybe - just maybe - some mouse
family now has a flat-screen TV.
thought that maybe - just maybe - some mouse
family now has a flat-screen TV.
••
God was sitting in heaven one day when a scientist
said to Him, "God, we don't need you anymore.
Science has finally figured out a way to create life
out of nothing - in other words, we can now do
what you did in the beginning."
"Oh, is that so?... Tell Me..." replies God.
"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and
form it into the likeness of you and breathe life
into it, thus creating man."
"Well, that's very interesting...show Me."
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts
to mold the soil into the shape of a man.
"No, no, no..." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."
said to Him, "God, we don't need you anymore.
Science has finally figured out a way to create life
out of nothing - in other words, we can now do
what you did in the beginning."
"Oh, is that so?... Tell Me..." replies God.
"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and
form it into the likeness of you and breathe life
into it, thus creating man."
"Well, that's very interesting...show Me."
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts
to mold the soil into the shape of a man.
"No, no, no..." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."
••
My pet turtle died. I'm not upset, just shell shocked.
••
A milkman, who is dying in the hospital, is
surrounded by his two sons, daughter, his wife
and a nurse.
He says:
-To you, Peter, I leave the Beverly houses.
- To you, my dear daughter, I leave the apartments
in the Los Angeles Plaza.
- To you, Charlie, being my youngest son with a
large future, I leave the City Center offices.
- And you, my dear wife, the three residential
buildings towers in downtown.
The nurse, impressed, tells his wife, "Madam,
your husband is very rich.
He is bequeathing many properties!
You all are so lucky!!!"
And the wife retorts, "Rich??? Lucky???
Are you kidding me!!!??
He is a Milkman!!!
Those are his routes where he delivers milk !!!!"
surrounded by his two sons, daughter, his wife
and a nurse.
He says:
-To you, Peter, I leave the Beverly houses.
- To you, my dear daughter, I leave the apartments
in the Los Angeles Plaza.
- To you, Charlie, being my youngest son with a
large future, I leave the City Center offices.
- And you, my dear wife, the three residential
buildings towers in downtown.
The nurse, impressed, tells his wife, "Madam,
your husband is very rich.
He is bequeathing many properties!
You all are so lucky!!!"
And the wife retorts, "Rich??? Lucky???
Are you kidding me!!!??
He is a Milkman!!!
Those are his routes where he delivers milk !!!!"
••••
