••
♥
Sam was complaining to a friend,
"I had it all - money, a magnificent house, a fast car,
the love of a beautiful woman... then, poof!
It was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked the friend.
"My wife found out..."
Sam was complaining to a friend,
"I had it all - money, a magnificent house, a fast car,
the love of a beautiful woman... then, poof!
It was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked the friend.
"My wife found out..."
••
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that
are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A: Because they already have boyfriends!
are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A: Because they already have boyfriends!
••
A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one
day.
While fishing, the old man starts talking about how
times have changed.
The young man picks up on this and starts talking
about the various problems and diseases going
around.
Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot
of problems with all these diseases when you were
young did they?"
Grandpa replies, "Nope."
Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe
sex?"
Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."
day.
While fishing, the old man starts talking about how
times have changed.
The young man picks up on this and starts talking
about the various problems and diseases going
around.
Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot
of problems with all these diseases when you were
young did they?"
Grandpa replies, "Nope."
Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe
sex?"
Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."
••
Lori, the pert and pretty Nurse took her troubles to
a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she
worked.
"Doctor, you must help me." she pleaded.
"It's gotten so that every time I date one of the
young doctors here, I end up in bed with him.
And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for
a week."
"I see." nodded the psychiatrist.
"And you want me to strengthen your will power
and resolve in this matter?"
"For God's sake, no!" exclaimed the Nurse.
"I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and
depressed afterwards."
a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she
worked.
"Doctor, you must help me." she pleaded.
"It's gotten so that every time I date one of the
young doctors here, I end up in bed with him.
And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for
a week."
"I see." nodded the psychiatrist.
"And you want me to strengthen your will power
and resolve in this matter?"
"For God's sake, no!" exclaimed the Nurse.
"I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and
depressed afterwards."
••
Two cab drivers meet.
"Hey," asked one, "what's the idea of painting one
side of your cab red and the other side blue?"
"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an
accident, you should see how all the witnesses
contradict each other."
"Hey," asked one, "what's the idea of painting one
side of your cab red and the other side blue?"
"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an
accident, you should see how all the witnesses
contradict each other."
••
It was their first date, and she'd shown the patience
of a saint as he babbled on and on about his
hobbies, his pet peeves, his driving techniques, and
even the standards he used to choose his barber.
Finally, he came up for air and said, "But enough
about me.
Let's talk about you."
She breathed a sigh of relief.
He went on, "What do you think about me?"
of a saint as he babbled on and on about his
hobbies, his pet peeves, his driving techniques, and
even the standards he used to choose his barber.
Finally, he came up for air and said, "But enough
about me.
Let's talk about you."
She breathed a sigh of relief.
He went on, "What do you think about me?"
••
A Jewish father has two kids who want to sell
lemonade on the street corner for 15 cents a glass.
He figures he'll spend about 3 bucks on the
ingredients, the kids will sell maybe 10 glasses and
then drink the rest and get stomach aches.
His eventual response:
"Go stand on the corner for two hours and come
back, I'll give you two dollars...... Everybody wins."
lemonade on the street corner for 15 cents a glass.
He figures he'll spend about 3 bucks on the
ingredients, the kids will sell maybe 10 glasses and
then drink the rest and get stomach aches.
His eventual response:
"Go stand on the corner for two hours and come
back, I'll give you two dollars...... Everybody wins."
••
I was reading my Bible (King James V.) Last night
and found a reference to PMS.
I believe it was in Matthew.
It was something like "...and Mary rode Joseph's
ass all the way to Bethleham."
and found a reference to PMS.
I believe it was in Matthew.
It was something like "...and Mary rode Joseph's
ass all the way to Bethleham."
••
The rescue team finds the crashed airplane.
The lone survivor is chewing on a bone, with a
huge pile of human bones next to him, and the
rescuers are shocked.
He says, "You can't judge me for this.
I had to survive."
The leader of the rescue team says,
"But Jesus Christ, man... your plane only went
down yesterday."
The lone survivor is chewing on a bone, with a
huge pile of human bones next to him, and the
rescuers are shocked.
He says, "You can't judge me for this.
I had to survive."
The leader of the rescue team says,
"But Jesus Christ, man... your plane only went
down yesterday."
••
Mommy, Mommy! My teacher says my head is too
big.
Shut up and get your hat from the garage, so your
father can bring the car in!
big.
Shut up and get your hat from the garage, so your
father can bring the car in!
••
A young minister, in the first days of his first parish,
was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric
man who had just died.
Standing before the open casket and consoling the
widow, he said, "I know this must be a very hard
blow, Mrs. Vernon.
But we must remember that what we see here is the
husk only, the shell...
the nut has gone to heaven."
was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric
man who had just died.
Standing before the open casket and consoling the
widow, he said, "I know this must be a very hard
blow, Mrs. Vernon.
But we must remember that what we see here is the
husk only, the shell...
the nut has gone to heaven."
••••
