••

 

••

♥

 

A congregation honors a rabbi for twenty-five years of
service bysending him to Hawaii for a week, all-expenses
paid.
When he walks into his room, there's a nude girl lying on
the bed.
He picks up the phone, calls his temple, and says,
"Where is your respect? As your rabbi, I am very, very
angry with you."
The girl gets up and start to get dressed.
He says, "Where are you going?.... I'm not angry at you."

 

••

Q: What did the redneck say when he ran into the bar
with a piece of shit in his hand?
A: Luck must be on my side tonight, look at what I
almost stepped in.

 

••

How did we get to the point where were paying for bottled
water?
That must have been some weird marketing meeting over
in France.
Some French guys sitting there, like, How dumb do I
think the Americans are?
I bet you we could sell those idiots water.

 

••

A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's
terms.
When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic
hair.
The man shouted, "What, no wool?
In my country all women have wool down there."
The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do,
knit or have sex?"

 

••

The science teacher stood in the front
of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one
raw material in the world, what would it be?"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold,
because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a
Corvette."
The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.
Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because
platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a
Porsche."
The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.
Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone."
The teacher said, "Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?"
"Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you
should see all the sports cars outside our house!"

 

••

What do donkeys send out near Christmas?
Mule-tide greetings.

 

••

A woman I work with is dating a doctor. 
She is also a grandmother.
One morning she was over at the doc's house when her
daughter-in-law called, sort of frantic.
It seems that her grandson had swallowed a penny.
The daughter-in-law wanted her to ask the doctor if she
should bring the boy in to be seen.
When she asked the doc, he calmly replied, "I don't think
it's necessary, just watch him closely for any change." 

 

••

He is so fat..............
that when he wears a yellow raincoat people yell "TAXI!"

 

••

The Observant Daughter......
One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter
and beeped his car horn by mistake.
She turned and looked at him for an explanation.
He said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, daddy."
He replied, "How'd you know?"
The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'ASSHOLE!'
Afterwards!"

 

••••

 

 

••

 

••

♥

 

Politicians are the same all over.
They promise to build a bridge even where there is no
river.  --Nikita Khrushchev--

 

••

When a man opens a car door for his wife,
it's either a new car or a new wife. ~ Prince Philip

 

••

One Saturday evening Gus walked into a bar and said
"Excuse me, I would like a pint of beer."
The bartender served Gus his drink and said,
"That will be four dollars." Gus pulled out a twenty-dollar
bill and handed it to the bartender.
 "Sorry, sir," the bartender said, "but I can't accept that."
 So, Gus pulls out a ten-dollar bill, and the bartender
rejects his money again.
"What's going on here?" Gus asked the barkeep.
Pointing to a neon sign behind the bar, the bartender
explained, "This is a Singles Bar."

 

•• 

“When the wino suspected his muscatel was watered
down, he needed more proof.”

 

••

One morning Lynn's mother was cleaning his room and
she found a dirty magazine depicting spanking under the
bed.
She was beside herself worrying, trying to think of how
to handle the situation.
Finally her husband came home from work, and he
asked her how her day was.
The mother told him about the magazine.
Shaking, she asked him how they were going to handle
this situation.
Her husband sat there for awhile, sighed, and said,
"Well, I guess spanking him is out of the question." 

 

•• 

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing
my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the
lowest bidder. ~ John Glenn

 

••

The teacher of the earth science  class was lecturing on
map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and
minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet
me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and
45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered,
"I guess you'd be eating alone." 

 

••

I had this one night stand..... and felt really bad about it
so I ran out the next morning and bought one for the
other side of the bed.

 

••

Fresh out of business school,  the young man answered
a want ad for an accountant.
Now he was being interviewed by a highly agitated,
arrogant little man who ran a small business that he had
started from scratch.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man
said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my
worrying for me."
 "How's that?" the would be accountant asked.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said.
"But I don't want to have to worry about money.
Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the accountant said.
"And how much will my position pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty five thousand," responded the
owner decisively.
"Eighty five thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed.
"How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry.
Now get to work!" 

 

•••• 

••

 

••

♥

 

One friend complained to another, "All my husband and
I do anymore is fight.
I've been so upset, I've lost 20 pounds."
"If it's that bad, why don't you just leave him?" asked
the second friend.
"I'm seriously considering it, but I'd like to lose another
15 pounds first."

 

••

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
Breathe, idiot! BREATHE!

 

••

I love finding money that I've forgotten about,
I've just found a bag with $250 in it.
It was in my brothers room, under his bed, in a sock,
behind a loose brick in the wall.
I don't remember putting in there but now I can afford
to go out and get drunk.

 

••

I love the rolling stones but i get dizzy when they roll
to fast.....

 

••

An old blacksmith realized he was soon going to quit
working so hard.
He picked out a strong young man to become his
apprentice.
The old fellow was crabby and exacting.
"Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy.
"Just do whatever I tell you to do."
One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge
and laid it on the anvil.
"Get the hammer over there," he said.
"When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard."
Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith...

 

••

Your mini skirt is way too short." I yelled at my wife.
"That's because it's made for a woman," she replied.
"Now take it off and give it back to me, you weirdo."

 

••

Q. What did the patient say to the irritating doctor
during her Liposuction surgery?
A. Doctor, you are really beginning to get under my skin!!

 

••

There comes a point in the work day that you know
you're no longer going to be productive.
That moment for me came at 9:13am

 

••

Rushing to a bridge tournament, I was pulled over for
going 43 in a 35 M.P.H. zone.
"What'll I tell my husband?" I worried, explaining to the
police officer that he was a self-described "perfect" driver.
The cop took a second look at the name and address on
my license.
"Did your husband go duck hunting this morning?"
"Yes," I said, baffled as to how he knew.
The officer finished with, "I stopped him for going 47."

••••

 

 

••

 

••

♥

“President Obama got some good news today.
The IRS ruled he can write off the first half of his second
term as a total loss.”

 

••

What's fifteen inches long and hangs in front of an
asshole?
A lawyer's necktie.

 

••

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard..
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he
had a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his
head;
He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down
the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out?
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard,
walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again
slept for about an hour .
This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find
out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and
ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your
dog comes to my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note
pinned to his collar:
'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 -
he's trying to catch up on his sleep.
Can I come with him tomorrow?'

 

••

One time I went to a hotel.
I asked the bellhop to handle my bag.
He felt up my wife!

 

••

When I was young and my intent was to go to medical
school, the entrance exam included several questions
 that would determine eligibility.
One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters
P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human
body that is more useful when erect."
Those who spelled 'spine' became Doctors.
The rest ended up in Congress.

 

••

How come... you can't find lawyers sunbathing on the
beach?
Cats keep covering them over with sand.

 

••

If progress is technology moving forward,then what is
congress?

 

••

Noticing a mistake in St. Peter's roster, God calls Satan;
"It seems you accidentally received some of my
professionals down there: a teacher, a doctor and a
farmer."
"Yeah," Satan replies. "All the more for me!"
God replies, "You better send them up here immediately."
Satan says, "No way. I'm keeping them."
God says, "Send them up here, or I'll sue the horns right
off you."
Satan laughs uproariously, "Yeah, right.
And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

••

Money can't buy you happiness..
But its more comfortable to cry in a Jaguar, than it is
to cry on a bicycle.
••••

••

 

••

♥

 

Pat is not feeling very well and he decides to go to a
doctor.
While he is waiting in the doctor's reception room,
a nun comes out of the doctor's office.
She looks very ashen, drawn and haggard.
Pat goes into the doctor's office and says to the doctor:
"I just saw a nun leaving who looked absolutely terrible.
I have never seen a woman look worse."
The doctor says: "I just told her that she is pregnant."
Pat exclaims: "Oh my, is she?"
The doctor responds: "No, but it sure cured her hiccups."

 

••

Did you hear the one about the cannibal who passed his
brother in the jungle the other day?

 

••

Public Restrooms for Guys....
Its not an enjoyable place.
We get a urinal; we dont get real estate.
Its a little, creepy urinal, right?
Ladies, you know what it feels like in the elevator when
youre in complete silence with a bunch of strangers?
Now put your penis in your hand.

 

••

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat
and closed her eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next
to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a
loud voice: "Hi sweetheart.
It's Eric. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty,
but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.
When the young woman sitting next to him had enough,
she leaned over and said into the phone,
"Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

 

••

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why
Jewish women like Chinese food so much.
The study revealed that this is due to the fact that
Won Ton spelled backwards is Not Now.

••
A farmer goes in half with a friend to buy a bull so he
can increase his stock.
A couple of weeks later the friend comes by to see how
his investment is doing.
The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and
won't look at the cows.
His friend suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the
bull.
The following week his friend returns to see if the vet
helped.
The farmer looks delighted: "The bull has taken care of
all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even
serviced all my neighbor's cows!
"Wow," says his friend, "what did the vet do to that bull?"
"Just gave him some pills'" said the farmer.
"What kind of pills?" asked his friend.
"I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."

 

••

My pet turtle ran away last month.....
He's only made it to the end of the driveway...lol,
stupid turtle!

 

••

Two guys were sitting outside a medical clinic.
One of them was crying, tears were pouring down his face.
The other guy asked, "Why are you crying?"
The first one replied, "I came here for blood test."
The second one asked, "So? Why are you crying?
Are you afraid?"
The first guy replied, "No. Not that.
During the blood test they cut my finger."
Hearing this, the second one started crying.
The first one was astonished and asked the other,
"Why are you crying?"
Then the second guy replied, "I have come for a urine test."

♦♦♦♦

••

 

••

♥

The government is getting sneaky.....
Standing on the street, I was telling my friend about
how the government plants surveillance devices in street
equipment.
"That's absolutely false," replied a lamppost.

 

••

Why Marine veterans have it hard getting a job....
Job Interview.......
Personnel Manager: "What is your greatest weakness ?"
Old Marine: "Honesty"
Personnel Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness !"
Old Marine: "I don't give a sh#t what you think"

 

•• 

“The soprano was very optimistic and always left her
friends on a high note.”

 

••

A young lady visited the Government Matchmaker for
Marriage and requested "I'm looking for a spouse.
Can you please help me to find a suitable one?"
The Marriage Officer said, "You're requirements please."
"Well, let me see......
Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty,
knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing.
Willing to accompany me the whole day at home if I don't
go out.
Telling me interesting stories when I need a companion
for conversation and be silent when I want to rest."
The Officer listened carefully and replied,"
I understand....... You need a TV."

 

••

If you EVER, EVER, find a woman who is beautiful,
has a great body, is intelligent, gets things done on her
own, drives a car well, has very little expectations,
is not materialistic and loves you with crazy devotion..
Then assume, that the alcohol you have consumed is of
the highest quality.

 

••

I'll never understand my wife, first she tells me to be
myself...... then she tells me to stop being an idiot.
I wish she would make up her mind.

 

••

Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill.
Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay.
He gave a mighty swing.
Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot.
Everything but the golf ball.
It sat in the same spot.
So he lined up and tried another shot.
Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again.
The golf ball didn't even wiggle.
Two ants survived.
One dazed ant said to the other, " What are we going to
do?"
Said the other ant, "I don't know about you,
but I'm going to get on that ball!"

••
Q. Why don't little girls fart?
A. Because they don't get assholes until they're married.
 

••
Teacher asks the kids in class: "What do you want to be
when you grow up?
Little Susie: I want to a role model for all young women;
successful, independent and proud.
"Little Johnny: "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the
most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give
her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in
Copacabana, a mansion in Paris , a jet to travel through
Europe , an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her
three times a day".
The teacher, shocked and speechless...
Susie: "Wait! I've changed my mind!
I wanna be Johnny's bitch!"

♦♦♦♦