••
♥
The government is getting sneaky.....
Standing on the street, I was telling my friend about
how the government plants surveillance devices in street
equipment.
"That's absolutely false," replied a lamppost.
Standing on the street, I was telling my friend about
how the government plants surveillance devices in street
equipment.
"That's absolutely false," replied a lamppost.
••
Why Marine veterans have it hard getting a job....
Job Interview.......
Personnel Manager: "What is your greatest weakness ?"
Old Marine: "Honesty"
Personnel Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness !"
Old Marine: "I don't give a sh#t what you think"
Job Interview.......
Personnel Manager: "What is your greatest weakness ?"
Old Marine: "Honesty"
Personnel Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness !"
Old Marine: "I don't give a sh#t what you think"
••
“The soprano was very optimistic and always left her
friends on a high note.”
friends on a high note.”
••
A young lady visited the Government Matchmaker for
Marriage and requested "I'm looking for a spouse.
Can you please help me to find a suitable one?"
The Marriage Officer said, "You're requirements please."
"Well, let me see......
Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty,
knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing.
Willing to accompany me the whole day at home if I don't
go out.
Telling me interesting stories when I need a companion
for conversation and be silent when I want to rest."
The Officer listened carefully and replied,"
I understand....... You need a TV."
Marriage and requested "I'm looking for a spouse.
Can you please help me to find a suitable one?"
The Marriage Officer said, "You're requirements please."
"Well, let me see......
Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty,
knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing.
Willing to accompany me the whole day at home if I don't
go out.
Telling me interesting stories when I need a companion
for conversation and be silent when I want to rest."
The Officer listened carefully and replied,"
I understand....... You need a TV."
••
If you EVER, EVER, find a woman who is beautiful,
has a great body, is intelligent, gets things done on her
own, drives a car well, has very little expectations,
is not materialistic and loves you with crazy devotion..
Then assume, that the alcohol you have consumed is of
the highest quality.
has a great body, is intelligent, gets things done on her
own, drives a car well, has very little expectations,
is not materialistic and loves you with crazy devotion..
Then assume, that the alcohol you have consumed is of
the highest quality.
••
I'll never understand my wife, first she tells me to be
myself...... then she tells me to stop being an idiot.
I wish she would make up her mind.
myself...... then she tells me to stop being an idiot.
I wish she would make up her mind.
••
Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill.
Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay.
He gave a mighty swing.
Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot.
Everything but the golf ball.
It sat in the same spot.
So he lined up and tried another shot.
Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again.
The golf ball didn't even wiggle.
Two ants survived.
One dazed ant said to the other, " What are we going to
do?"
Said the other ant, "I don't know about you,
but I'm going to get on that ball!"
Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay.
He gave a mighty swing.
Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot.
Everything but the golf ball.
It sat in the same spot.
So he lined up and tried another shot.
Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again.
The golf ball didn't even wiggle.
Two ants survived.
One dazed ant said to the other, " What are we going to
do?"
Said the other ant, "I don't know about you,
but I'm going to get on that ball!"
••
Q. Why don't little girls fart?
A. Because they don't get assholes until they're married.
Q. Why don't little girls fart?
A. Because they don't get assholes until they're married.
••
Teacher asks the kids in class: "What do you want to be
when you grow up?
Little Susie: I want to a role model for all young women;
successful, independent and proud.
"Little Johnny: "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the
most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give
her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in
Copacabana, a mansion in Paris , a jet to travel through
Europe , an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her
three times a day".
The teacher, shocked and speechless...
Susie: "Wait! I've changed my mind!
I wanna be Johnny's bitch!"
Teacher asks the kids in class: "What do you want to be
when you grow up?
Little Susie: I want to a role model for all young women;
successful, independent and proud.
"Little Johnny: "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the
most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give
her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in
Copacabana, a mansion in Paris , a jet to travel through
Europe , an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her
three times a day".
The teacher, shocked and speechless...
Susie: "Wait! I've changed my mind!
I wanna be Johnny's bitch!"
♦♦♦♦
