••

 

••

♥

“The painter was hospitalized due to too many
strokes.”

 

••

I was lying on the doctors examination table today
when she asked "How is your libido?"
"My what?" I replied
 "Libido" she said "Do you feel like having sex?"
"Ok," I replied "But we'll need to be quick my wife
is waiting in the car"

••

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
~Mark Twain

 

••

The Army has been experimenting for years to come
up with a liquid that will eat through anything and
they finally did it.
It eats through glass, stainless steel, iron,and all
kinds of metal, rock and granite.
Now if they could only find something to put it in.

 

••

The price of gas is so high, Lindsay Lohan is now
forced to choose between drinking or driving.
She can't afford both.

 

••

A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time.
She said, 'sorry about the wait.'
I said, 'don't worry about it, you're bound to lose it
eventually.'

 

••

Form question and answer about a recent accident:
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid
the accident?
A: I could have traveled by bus.
~
A man collided with a cow and completed the
requested form as follows:
Q: What warning did you give the other party before
the collision?
A: Horn
~
Q: What warning was given by the other party?
A: Moo

 

••

Met a girl in a bar last night and we ended up going
back to her house.
After a few more drinks, we started kissing and
having a bit of foreplay on the sofa.
She looked at me and said, "Let's take this upstairs."
 I said, "Okay, you grab one end and I'll grab the
other."

 

••

••

 

••

♥

 

 Q: What's the difference between a bankrupt attorney
 A: The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.

You ever accidentally go up to a real big fat person,
and you accidentally ask them for a good place to eat?
And they look at you and say they don't know.
And you're looking at them, like, 'You do know.
I bet if I follow you for an hour, we gonna be eatin'.

 

••

 Q: What's the difference between lawyers and
 buzzards?
 A: Lawyers have removable wing tips.

 

••

A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and
worse news”.
“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That's terrible”, said the patient.
“How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you
since yesterday.”

 

••

Flex came home from school and told his mother,
"I had a big fight with Sidney.
He called me a sissy."
 "What did you do?" the mother asked.
"I hit him with my purse!"

 

••

 Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a
demon from hell?
 A: No changes occur.

 

••
 Q: What's the difference between God and an
attorney?
 A: God doesn't think he's an attorney.

 

••

The very first Woolworth's five-and-dime opened
on this day in 1879.
They went out of business in 1997.
You know why?
They were nickel and dimed to death.

 

••

Business One-liners .......
The repairman will never have seen a model quite
like yours before.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to
the reach.
The simplest subjects are the ones you don't know
anything about.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you
will have to catch up!
The squeaky wheel doesn't always get the grease;
sometimes it gets replaced.
The stomach expands to accommodate the amount
of junk food available.....

 

••••

 

 

 

 

••

 

•••

♥

 

A fifty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on
her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks,
"Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look,
What's the matter with you?"
 The woman continues to bounce on the bed and
says, "I don't care,
I just came from having a mammogram and the
doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old"..
The husband said, "What did he say about your
56 year old bum ?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.

••

OBAMA’S $10,000,000 DOT CROW STUDY
FINDINGS......
They found about 200 dead crows near Topeka, KS.
and there was concern that they may have died from
Avian Flu.
They had a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of
all the crows,& he confirmed the problem was
definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief.
However, he determined that 98% of the crows had
been killed by impact with trucks, & only 2% were
killed by an impact with a car.
 The DOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist
to determine the disproportionate percentages for
truck versus car kill.
The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the
cause in short order.
When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a
look-out Crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending
danger.
His conclusion was that all of the lookout crows
could say "Cah", but none could say "Truck."
 Well, what did you expect of me?

••

Machine Message 61
Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline.
Father Durway's not here right now, but if you'll
leave your name, number, and confession at the tone,
he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as
possible.
And remember, confession doesn't count unless you
confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail...

 

••

There was a young F-15 pilot flying escort for a
B-52 one day.
The F-15 pilot, being the young hotshot that he was,
challenged the B-52 pilot: "Anything you can do,
I can do better" came the challenge over the R/T.
The B-52 pilot accepted the challenge, but stayed in
level flight for 30 seconds. "
So? What did you do?" asked the young F-15 pilot.
"I just shut down two engines......
Can you do that?"

 

••

Don't stand up on a commode.
Someone might say you are high on pot.

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
'Give me one last request, dear,' he said.
'Of course, John,' his wife said softly.
'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry
Bob.'
'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said.
With his last breath John said, 'I do!'
 

••

Like everything else in life, the rates of various
greeting cards are increasing leaps and bounds.
The store owner of one such shop was often receiving
complaints about increasing cost of the cards.
But he never took these complaints seriously until
one day he faced a situation he had not bargained for.
Customer: “Have you any card for someone who is
about to turn a hundred?”
Owner: “Sure do.”
The owner led the customer to the related card stand
and pointed at the cards: “They are for centurions.”
The customer selected one card, looked at the price
printed on the reverse and asked: “If he doesn’t last
for a week and make it, will you accept this back?”

 

••

 Q: What's the definition of a lawyer?
 A: A mouth with a life support system.

••••

 

 

#1901

••

You've been in that tap too!!

 

♥••♥

♥

A man comes home from a long business trip and
finds his son playing with an expensive toy.
 "Who bought you that?" asks Dad.
"I did," replies the boy.
"I bought it with the money I earned hiking."
"Hiking?" asks his father.
"Who pays anyone to go hiking?"
"Mr Jones next door," replies the boy.
"Every time he came around to see Mommy he
gave me $5.00 and told me to take a hike."

 

••

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I...... Let's go get a beer.'

 

••

Fathom the hypocrisy of a government that requires
every citizen to prove that they are insured……….
but not everyone must prove that they are a citizen.
And now, any of those who refuse, or are unable to
prove that they are citizens will receive free insurance
paid for by those who are forced to buy insurance
because they are citizens. ~ Ben Stein

 

••

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust
her husband...
A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens
the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead
of two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the
blanket as hard as she can.
Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the
kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading
a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to
visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom.
Did you say "hello"?

 

••

They say that women love a man in uniform.
I think that's BS.
I've been out clubbing in my McDonald's uniform
for the last three nights and I haven't had any
success.

 

••

I was visiting my niece last night when I asked if I
could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old man,' she said.
'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPad.'
I tell you, that darn fly never knew what hit it.

 

••

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic
camera.
He figured that his picture had been taken for
exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he
was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around
the block and passed the same spot, driving even
more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now he began to think that this was quite funny,
so he drove even slower as he passed the area again,
but the traffic camera again flashed.
He tried a fourth time with the same result..
He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when
the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a
snail's pace...
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for
driving without a seat belt.

••
A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land,
needed to rid his farm of animals.
So he went to every house in his town.
 To the houses where the man is the boss,
he gave a horse.
To the houses where the woman is the boss,
a chicken was given.
 He got toward the end of the street and saw a
couple outside gardening.
"Who's the boss around here?" he asked.
 "I am." said the man.
"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the
farmer said, "which one would you like?"
 The man thought for a minute and said,
"The black one."
"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said.
"Here's your chicken." said the farmer.

 

••

Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth,
with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been
dropped out of a helicopter. ~ Dave Barry

 

 

 

••

 

••

♥

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a
driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters:
 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

 

••

Having some problems with my new Pit Bull Terrier.
I rang the vet for some advice.
I explained he was brown, stupid, aggressive and
liable to attack anyone for no good reason.
The vet replied, "Muzzle 'im?"
"No," I said, "I think he's an atheist."

 

••

The wife was yelling at me.
"Life's just one big joke to you, isn't it."
"I don't know what you mean.
Sit down, dear, and let's talk about it."
That's when I pulled her chair out from under her.

 

••

Last year I went fishing... and caught such a huge
mess of fish that I had to have a fish fry.
My neighbor was enjoying his fill and mentioned
his missing dog.
I mentioned that I saw a dog that resembled him
at the lake when I was fishing.
He thanked me and asked what I used for bait to
catch all these fish.
I hesitated and asked him if he remembered his
dog that use to scatter my trash every trash day.

 

••

A handsome young lad went into the hospital for
some minor surgery, and the day after the procedure
a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing.
His friend was amazed at the number of nurses who
entered the room in short intervals with
refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the
bed, give back rubs, etc.
"Why all the attention?" the friend asked,
"You look fine to me."
"I know!" grinned the patient.
"But the nurses kind of formed a little fan club when
they all heard that my circumcision required
twenty-seven stitches."

 

••

A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most
in me?
Is it my beautiful face? Or is it maybe my sexy body?"
The husband carefully studied his wife from head
to toe, taking it all in.
Finally, he replied dryly, "I like your sense of humor."

 

••

The handsome American strode into a department
store in Paris, France, and headed straight for the
lingerie counter.
He intently studied the array of lacy underthings
and the sales lady bustled over to him.
"Do you have something in mind?" she asked.
"I certainly do, ma'am," the American emphatically
replied.
"That's why I want a nice gift."

 

••

A young guy in an F-14 fighter was flying escort for
a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a
hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old
bomber.
The hotdog said over the air, "Anything you can do,
I can do better."
The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this
hot-shot."
The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.
 Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?"
"Well, I just engaged auto pilot, went for a pee and
a coffee ....... So, could you do that?"

••
Because I'm stressed, I've started sniffing glue.
It's the only thing holding me together.

••••

••

 

••

♥

Am I the only one who wonders if you pass gas on
a cold day can someone actually see your fart breath?

 

••

A spiritualist who'd recently been widowed met a
colleague and reported excitedly that she'd just
received a message from her dead husband - asking
her to send him a pack of cigarettes.
 "The only thing is," she mused, "that I don't know
where to send them."
"Why not?" asked her friend.
"Well, he didn't actually say that he was in Heaven,
but I can't imagine he'd be in Hell."
"Hm," responded the friend.
"Well, maybe I shouldn't bring this up, but. . .
he didn't mention anything about including matches
in the package, did he?

 

••

Harry, after his retirement volunteered to entertain
patients in hospitals.
He would go from one hospital to another in the city
and always carried his guitar with him.
He would crack jokes and would sing some funny
songs at patients' bedsides.
 When he finished at one such hospital, he said to
an old man, "I hope you get better."
 The elderly gentleman quickly replied,
"I hope you get better, too.

 

••

Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench
in the park.
Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that
new Viagra?"
Grandpa looks at him and says, "No Johnny,
I will not."
"But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny.
Grandpa replies, "Because there is no sense in
putting lead in your pencil if you have no one to
write to."

 

••

My wife really likes to make pottery,
but to me it's just kiln time,

 

••

Two women met for tea at a restaurant.
One had a swollen face.
Her friend asked: “What happened?”
 First one: “My hubby hit me.”
 Second one: “But I thought your husband was out
of town.”
 First one: “Yeah, I thought so too.”

 

••

A woman was taking a nap on Valentine’s Day
afternoon.
After she awoke, she told her husband, “I just
dreamed that you gave me a gorgeous and expensive
diamond necklace for Valentine’s Day!
What do you think it means?”
 “You’ll know tonight,” he said.
That evening, her husband came home with a small
package for her.
Thrilled, she opened it and found a book titled
“The Meaning of Dreams.”

 

••

If Chuck Norris gave a mouse a cookie, it would
probably ask for some milk.
Then Chuck Norris would roundhouse kick that
ungrateful little rodent so hard, it would lose it's
appetite for cookies.
Permanently.

 

••

At a job interview long ago;
Hiring manager;
"What would you say was your greatest weakness?"
Me;
"Honesty."
Hiring manager;
"I don't think honesty is a weakness."
Me;
"I couldn't care less what you think."

 

••••