•••
♥
A fifty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on
her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks,
"Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look,
What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and
says, "I don't care,
I just came from having a mammogram and the
doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old"..
The husband said, "What did he say about your
56 year old bum ?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.
her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks,
"Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look,
What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and
says, "I don't care,
I just came from having a mammogram and the
doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old"..
The husband said, "What did he say about your
56 year old bum ?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.
••
OBAMA’S $10,000,000 DOT CROW STUDY
FINDINGS......
They found about 200 dead crows near Topeka, KS.
and there was concern that they may have died from
Avian Flu.
They had a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of
all the crows,& he confirmed the problem was
definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief.
However, he determined that 98% of the crows had
been killed by impact with trucks, & only 2% were
killed by an impact with a car.
The DOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist
to determine the disproportionate percentages for
truck versus car kill.
The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the
cause in short order.
When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a
look-out Crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending
danger.
His conclusion was that all of the lookout crows
could say "Cah", but none could say "Truck."
Well, what did you expect of me?
FINDINGS......
They found about 200 dead crows near Topeka, KS.
and there was concern that they may have died from
Avian Flu.
They had a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of
all the crows,& he confirmed the problem was
definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief.
However, he determined that 98% of the crows had
been killed by impact with trucks, & only 2% were
killed by an impact with a car.
The DOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist
to determine the disproportionate percentages for
truck versus car kill.
The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the
cause in short order.
When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a
look-out Crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending
danger.
His conclusion was that all of the lookout crows
could say "Cah", but none could say "Truck."
Well, what did you expect of me?
••
Machine Message 61
Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline.
Father Durway's not here right now, but if you'll
leave your name, number, and confession at the tone,
he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as
possible.
And remember, confession doesn't count unless you
confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail...
Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline.
Father Durway's not here right now, but if you'll
leave your name, number, and confession at the tone,
he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as
possible.
And remember, confession doesn't count unless you
confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail...
••
There was a young F-15 pilot flying escort for a
B-52 one day.
The F-15 pilot, being the young hotshot that he was,
challenged the B-52 pilot: "Anything you can do,
I can do better" came the challenge over the R/T.
The B-52 pilot accepted the challenge, but stayed in
level flight for 30 seconds. "
So? What did you do?" asked the young F-15 pilot.
"I just shut down two engines......
Can you do that?"
B-52 one day.
The F-15 pilot, being the young hotshot that he was,
challenged the B-52 pilot: "Anything you can do,
I can do better" came the challenge over the R/T.
The B-52 pilot accepted the challenge, but stayed in
level flight for 30 seconds. "
So? What did you do?" asked the young F-15 pilot.
"I just shut down two engines......
Can you do that?"
••
Don't stand up on a commode.
Someone might say you are high on pot.
Someone might say you are high on pot.
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
'Give me one last request, dear,' he said.
'Of course, John,' his wife said softly.
'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry
Bob.'
'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said.
With his last breath John said, 'I do!'
'Give me one last request, dear,' he said.
'Of course, John,' his wife said softly.
'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry
Bob.'
'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said.
With his last breath John said, 'I do!'
••
Like everything else in life, the rates of various
greeting cards are increasing leaps and bounds.
The store owner of one such shop was often receiving
complaints about increasing cost of the cards.
But he never took these complaints seriously until
one day he faced a situation he had not bargained for.
Customer: “Have you any card for someone who is
about to turn a hundred?”
Owner: “Sure do.”
The owner led the customer to the related card stand
and pointed at the cards: “They are for centurions.”
The customer selected one card, looked at the price
printed on the reverse and asked: “If he doesn’t last
for a week and make it, will you accept this back?”
greeting cards are increasing leaps and bounds.
The store owner of one such shop was often receiving
complaints about increasing cost of the cards.
But he never took these complaints seriously until
one day he faced a situation he had not bargained for.
Customer: “Have you any card for someone who is
about to turn a hundred?”
Owner: “Sure do.”
The owner led the customer to the related card stand
and pointed at the cards: “They are for centurions.”
The customer selected one card, looked at the price
printed on the reverse and asked: “If he doesn’t last
for a week and make it, will you accept this back?”
••
Q: What's the definition of a lawyer?
A: A mouth with a life support system.
A: A mouth with a life support system.
••••
