#1901

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You've been in that tap too!!

 

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A man comes home from a long business trip and
finds his son playing with an expensive toy.
 "Who bought you that?" asks Dad.
"I did," replies the boy.
"I bought it with the money I earned hiking."
"Hiking?" asks his father.
"Who pays anyone to go hiking?"
"Mr Jones next door," replies the boy.
"Every time he came around to see Mommy he
gave me $5.00 and told me to take a hike."

 

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Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I...... Let's go get a beer.'

 

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Fathom the hypocrisy of a government that requires
every citizen to prove that they are insured……….
but not everyone must prove that they are a citizen.
And now, any of those who refuse, or are unable to
prove that they are citizens will receive free insurance
paid for by those who are forced to buy insurance
because they are citizens. ~ Ben Stein

 

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There comes a time when a woman just has to trust
her husband...
A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens
the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead
of two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the
blanket as hard as she can.
Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the
kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading
a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to
visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom.
Did you say "hello"?

 

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They say that women love a man in uniform.
I think that's BS.
I've been out clubbing in my McDonald's uniform
for the last three nights and I haven't had any
success.

 

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I was visiting my niece last night when I asked if I
could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old man,' she said.
'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPad.'
I tell you, that darn fly never knew what hit it.

 

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A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic
camera.
He figured that his picture had been taken for
exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he
was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around
the block and passed the same spot, driving even
more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now he began to think that this was quite funny,
so he drove even slower as he passed the area again,
but the traffic camera again flashed.
He tried a fourth time with the same result..
He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when
the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a
snail's pace...
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for
driving without a seat belt.

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A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land,
needed to rid his farm of animals.
So he went to every house in his town.
 To the houses where the man is the boss,
he gave a horse.
To the houses where the woman is the boss,
a chicken was given.
 He got toward the end of the street and saw a
couple outside gardening.
"Who's the boss around here?" he asked.
 "I am." said the man.
"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the
farmer said, "which one would you like?"
 The man thought for a minute and said,
"The black one."
"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said.
"Here's your chicken." said the farmer.

 

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Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth,
with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been
dropped out of a helicopter. ~ Dave Barry