••
♥
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a
driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
••
Having some problems with my new Pit Bull Terrier.
I rang the vet for some advice.
I explained he was brown, stupid, aggressive and
liable to attack anyone for no good reason.
The vet replied, "Muzzle 'im?"
"No," I said, "I think he's an atheist."
I rang the vet for some advice.
I explained he was brown, stupid, aggressive and
liable to attack anyone for no good reason.
The vet replied, "Muzzle 'im?"
"No," I said, "I think he's an atheist."
••
The wife was yelling at me.
"Life's just one big joke to you, isn't it."
"I don't know what you mean.
Sit down, dear, and let's talk about it."
That's when I pulled her chair out from under her.
"Life's just one big joke to you, isn't it."
"I don't know what you mean.
Sit down, dear, and let's talk about it."
That's when I pulled her chair out from under her.
••
Last year I went fishing... and caught such a huge
mess of fish that I had to have a fish fry.
My neighbor was enjoying his fill and mentioned
his missing dog.
I mentioned that I saw a dog that resembled him
at the lake when I was fishing.
He thanked me and asked what I used for bait to
catch all these fish.
I hesitated and asked him if he remembered his
dog that use to scatter my trash every trash day.
mess of fish that I had to have a fish fry.
My neighbor was enjoying his fill and mentioned
his missing dog.
I mentioned that I saw a dog that resembled him
at the lake when I was fishing.
He thanked me and asked what I used for bait to
catch all these fish.
I hesitated and asked him if he remembered his
dog that use to scatter my trash every trash day.
••
A handsome young lad went into the hospital for
some minor surgery, and the day after the procedure
a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing.
His friend was amazed at the number of nurses who
entered the room in short intervals with
refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the
bed, give back rubs, etc.
"Why all the attention?" the friend asked,
"You look fine to me."
"I know!" grinned the patient.
"But the nurses kind of formed a little fan club when
they all heard that my circumcision required
twenty-seven stitches."
some minor surgery, and the day after the procedure
a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing.
His friend was amazed at the number of nurses who
entered the room in short intervals with
refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the
bed, give back rubs, etc.
"Why all the attention?" the friend asked,
"You look fine to me."
"I know!" grinned the patient.
"But the nurses kind of formed a little fan club when
they all heard that my circumcision required
twenty-seven stitches."
••
A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most
in me?
Is it my beautiful face? Or is it maybe my sexy body?"
The husband carefully studied his wife from head
to toe, taking it all in.
Finally, he replied dryly, "I like your sense of humor."
in me?
Is it my beautiful face? Or is it maybe my sexy body?"
The husband carefully studied his wife from head
to toe, taking it all in.
Finally, he replied dryly, "I like your sense of humor."
••
The handsome American strode into a department
store in Paris, France, and headed straight for the
lingerie counter.
He intently studied the array of lacy underthings
and the sales lady bustled over to him.
"Do you have something in mind?" she asked.
"I certainly do, ma'am," the American emphatically
replied.
"That's why I want a nice gift."
store in Paris, France, and headed straight for the
lingerie counter.
He intently studied the array of lacy underthings
and the sales lady bustled over to him.
"Do you have something in mind?" she asked.
"I certainly do, ma'am," the American emphatically
replied.
"That's why I want a nice gift."
••
A young guy in an F-14 fighter was flying escort for
a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a
hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old
bomber.
The hotdog said over the air, "Anything you can do,
I can do better."
The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this
hot-shot."
The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.
Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?"
"Well, I just engaged auto pilot, went for a pee and
a coffee ....... So, could you do that?"
a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a
hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old
bomber.
The hotdog said over the air, "Anything you can do,
I can do better."
The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this
hot-shot."
The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.
Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?"
"Well, I just engaged auto pilot, went for a pee and
a coffee ....... So, could you do that?"
••
Because I'm stressed, I've started sniffing glue.
It's the only thing holding me together.
Because I'm stressed, I've started sniffing glue.
It's the only thing holding me together.
••••
