••

 

••

♥

To all those who received a book from me as a
Christmas present...
They are due back at the library today.

 

••

My favorite spot at our local zoo is the House
of Night, where nocturnal creatures crawl and
fly about.
One very bright day, I stepped into the exhibit
and was plunged into total darkness.
Almost immediately, a small hand grabbed
mine.
"And who do you belong to?" I asked.
His answer came swiftly:
"I'm yours till the lights come on."

 

•• 

My mother lacks a green thumb, but she keeps
at it.
One day, pointing to a line of new plants by the
kitchen window, my sister whispered to me,
"Look, death row."

 

••

 

I think I've been eating too much salmon over
Christmas.
I've just tried to run up an escalator that was
going down.

••
Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover
Township, N. J., in September, and his wife
Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of
dynamite that blew up in their car.
While driving around at 2a.m., the bored couple
lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the
window to see what would happen, but they
apparently failed to notice that the window was
closed.

 

••

In a courtroom, a pursesnatcher is on trial and
the victim is stating what happened.
She says, "Yes, that is him.
I saw him clear as day.
I'd remember his face anywhere."
At which point, the defendant bursts out,
"You couldn't see my face, lady.....
I was wearing a mask!"

 

••

I once knew a guy who was deaf.
He used sign language to communicate and
occasionally he'd get real animated doing it.
So we sometimes had to tell him to keep his
voice down.

 

••

A family was having dinner on Mother's Day.
For some reason the mother was unusually
quiet.
Finally the husband asked what was wrong.
"Nothing," said the woman.
Not buying it, he asked again.
"Seriously, what's wrong?"
"Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you.
I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for
15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even
tell me so much as "Thank you."
"Why should I?" he said.
"Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's
Day gift."
"Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."

 

••

In a dry cleaner: We do not tear your clothing
with machinery.
We do it carefully by hand.

 

••

I was shopping in a pet store when I overheard a
woman singing the praises of a particular water
bowl to her husband.
"Look, it even has a water filter!" she concluded,
holding the doggie dish out for her husband's
inspection.
He had a slightly different take on things:
"Dear, he drinks out of the toilet."

 

••

Two old buddies from WW II , in their 90"s,
are sitting on a bench talking.
One of them ask the other, "Hey Bill, you
remember back in the big war to end all wars,
they gave us those salt peter pills to make us
forget about sex?"
"Yeah, I remember, Joe, what about em?"
"I think mine is starting to work!"

 

••••

 

 

••

 

••

♥

 

A woman who plays cards once a month with a
group of friends was concerned that she always
woke her husband when she came home around
11:30.
One night she decided to try not to rouse him.
She undressed in the living room and, purse
over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom -
only to find her husband sitting up in bed
reading.
"Darn it woman!" he exclaimed.
"Did you lose everything?"

 

••

When I was born, the doctor took one look at
my face, turned me over and said,
"Look ... twins!" - Rodney Dangerfield....

 

•• 

Mother: Why did you get such a low marks on
that test?
Junior: Because of absence.
Mother: You mean you were absent on the day
of the test?
Junior: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.

••
The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised
when a young lady about twenty years old
walked up and sat on his lap.
Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults,
but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked
her, "What do you want for Christmas?"
"Something for my mother, please." said the
young lady.
"Something for your mother?
Well, that's very thoughtful of you,''
smiled Santa.
"What do you want me to bring her? "
Without blinking she replied, "A son-in-law!"

 

••

On a train from London to Manchester to watch
the cricket, an Australian was berating the
Englishman sitting across from him in the
compartment.
"You English are too stuffy.
You set yourselves apart too much.
You think your stiff upper lip makes you above
the rest of us.
Look at me... I'm ME!
I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish
blood, and some Aborigine blood..
What do you say to that ?"
The Englishman replied,
"Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"

 

••

Just before Christmas, an honest politician,
a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding
in the elevator of a very posh hotel.
Just before the doors opened they all noticed a
$20 bill lying on the floor.
Which one picked it up?
Santa of course, because the other two don't
exist!

 

••

Bobby walks into a bar and says, "Bartender,
one round for everyone, on me!"
The bartender says, "Well, seems you're in a
really good mood tonight, hmm?"
Bobby says, "Oh, you can bet on it!
I just got hired by the city to go around and
remove all the money from parking meters.
I start on Monday!"
The bartender congratulates him and proceeds
to pour the round.
Monday evening arrives and Bobby comes back
into the bar and says, "Bartender, TWO rounds
for everyone, on me!"
The bartender says, "Well now! If you're so
happy just over having this new job, I can just
imagine how happy you'll be when you get your
paycheck!"
Bobby looks at the bartender with a wondrous
look on his face, pulls out a handful of quarters
from his pocket, and says, "You mean they'll
PAY me too?"

 

••

A new study says spanking is bad for kids,
however, experts are a bit suspicious of the
findings - the study was written in crayon.

 

••

What happened when there was a fight in the
fish and chips shop?
Two fish got battered.

 

••

How do you know when a woman's about to
say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with ,
"A man once told me... "

••••

 

 

••

 

••

♥

 

Top 10 Santa Pick-Up Lines......
 10. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it
in a sleigh?
 9. Wanna see my 12-inch elf?
 8. I`ve got something special in the sack for
you!
  7. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
 6. I know when you've been bad or good--
so let's skip the small talk, sister!
 5. Some of my best toys run on batteries...
 4. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"?
 (Well, that's what the Mrs. calls it ...)
 3. I see you when you`re sleeping and you
don`t wear any underwear, do you?
 2. Screw the "nice" list I`ve got you on my
"naughty" list!
 1. Wanna join the "Mile High" club?

 

••

Three women, one engaged, one a mistress and
the other married decided to treat their men by
wearing black leather bra's, stiletto heels and a
leather face mask.
The next day the engaged woman says "my
man leaped on me and we made love all night".
The mistress adds "me too, we had wild
uninhibited sex all night".
The married woman sighs "my husband came
home and said "What's for dinner, Batman?"

••
Nervous first timer to skipper.
"Do yachts like this sink very often?".
"No, usually it's only once!"

 

•• 

A man in a pub orders a beer.
He gets it and begins to drink it and notices the
beer is kind of warm.
So he mentions something to the bartender,
who tells him to shut up and just drink his beer.
Then it is time to pay and instead of giving three
$1 dollar bills to the bartender the guy throws
30 dimes behind the counter.
The bartender is pissed and is on his hands and
knees collecting change as the guy leaves.
The next day the man is back and he comes in
waiving a $5 dollar bill.
The bartender thinks: "okay, business is business"
and lets him in.
Again, the beer is kind of warm, but the guy
doesn't say anything.
Comes time to pay, the man gives him the $5
note.
The bartender goes to the register to get the
change, but instead of taking out two $1 dollar
bills, he takes out 20 dimes and throws them all
around the entire pub.
The bartender says: " there is your fu*king
change!"
 The man looks around and remains quite calm.
He takes out 10 dimes, throws them behind the
counter and says: "Gimme another beer! "

 

••

A man sits in a bar, reading a newspaper. 
Suddenly he is tapped on his shoulder by
another man: "Excuse me sir, but do you know
Mrs. Appleblossom?"
The man folds up his newspaper, coughs
slightly and replies: "just a moment sir", after
which he takes out a little black notebook.
"A, A, A... [finding the name in the book] yes,
actually I do know Mrs. Appleblossom.".
He puts the notebook back into his inside
pocket picks up the newspaper and continues
reading.
The other man taps his shoulder again:
"Excuse me sir, but have you been to bed with
Mrs. Appleblossom?"
The first gent puts the newspaper down again,
finds his notebook and checks: "B, B, B... ahh,
yes, I have been to bed with Mrs. Appleblossom"
He starts putting the notebook away when he
once again is tapped on the shoulder:
"Excuse me sir, but I am Mr. Appleblossom,
and I am very disappointed..."
"D, D, D... ahh... yes sir, so was I!"

 

••

A man was recently flying to New York.
He decided to strike up a conversation with his
seat mate.
"I've got a great policeman joke.
Would you like to hear it?"
"I should let you know first that I am a
policeman."
"That's OK. I'll tell it really slow!"

 

••

Sometimes, when I'm in class, I dream that I'm
on a tropical island, with a dozen or more scantily
clad (mostly topless) females beside me,
sitting under a huge palm tree, with some soft
gentle music being played on some traditional
wood instruments of that region, and a cool
gentle breeze caressing my tanned body.
I do all this while trying to forget I'm in a
classroom.
Of course, it would be so much easier without
everyone yelling at me to keep teaching.

••
The Policeman recently stopped a woman for
exceeding the posted speed limit.
He asked the driver her name.
She said, "I'm Mrs. Ladislav Abdulkhashim
Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of
Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in Columbia."
The cop put away his summons book and pen,
and said, "Well... OK...
but don't let me catch you speeding again."

 

••

Went to lunch with a friend today to a new
chicken place.
We asked how they prepare their chickens.
The answer was, "We just tell them they're going
to die."

 

••••

 

 

••

 

••

♥

 

Tourist guide at zoo: "Ladies and gentlemen,
this is the elephant, the largest animal to roam
the lands. 
Every day the elephant eats 3 dozen bunches of
bananas, 6 tons of hay, and 2000 pounds of
assorted fruits. 
Madam, please don't stand near the elephant's
backside.... Madam, PLEASE don't stand near
the elephant's backside ...
MADAM ... MADAM ..., too late; 

George, dig her out."

 

••

An elderly couple who are both widowed have been
courting for a long time.
They decide it's finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they go out to dinner and talk
about how their marriage might work.
They discuss finances, living arrangements and so
on.
Finally, the man broaches the subject of their
physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asks, rather
tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently," replies the old lady.
The old gentleman sits quietly for a moment,
adjusts his glasses, leans over towards her and
whispers: "Is that one word or two?"

 

••

A somewhat drunk man feels a bald man's head
and says, "Say, your head feels just like my
wife's ass."
The bald man feels his own head and says with
a grin, "You know, you're right!"

 

••

Man walks into a supermarket and buys :
1 bar of soap, 1 toothbrush, 1 tube toothpaste,
1 loaf of bread, 1 pint of milk, 1 single serving
cereal, 1 single serving frozen dinner.........
The girl at the checkout looks at him and says
"Single are you?"
The man replies very sarcastically "How did you
guess?"
She replies "because you're ugly."

 

••

"Their marriage was going O.K. until they bought
a water bed... then they started
drifting apart."

 

••

Old Simpson was a constant thorn in the side of
the Parent-Teachers Association, with his
steadfast opposition to innovation.
For one thing, he was vociferously against the
introduction of foreign languages in the town's
junior high school curriculum.
Waving his Bible high in the air, he shouted,
"If English was good enough for the prophets
and the apostles, it's plenty good enough for me."

 

••

I was sitting behind a car at a stop light the other
day and I noticed that it had a bumper sticker
that read "Honk if you love Jesus".
So I thoughtabout it a bit and since I loved Jesus,
I honked my horn.
I was very suprised when the driver of the car
got out and yelled, "The light is still red you
asshole!!!!" got back in the car and drove off
through the light which had just turned green.

 

••

An indolent vicar of Bray
Kept his wife in the family way,
Till she grew more alert,
Bought a vaginal squirt,
And said to her spuose, "Let us spray!"

 

••

There was a young lady named Maude
A terrible society fraud:
In company, I'm told
She was awfully cold.
But if you got her alone, Oh My God!

 

••

Went out last night and got really wasted.
I woke up in the middle of the night next to
some chick who was snoring and farting,
so I knew I made it home OK! 

 

••

How does an R-ville policeman go fishing?
He catches one fish, then beats it until it tells
him where the others are.

 

••••

 

 

••

 

••

♥

 

The only way to keep your health is to eat what
you don't want, drink what you don't like, and
do what you'd rather not.  --Mark Twain--

 

••

There is a new woman's shelter downtown
called "The Tempura House", it's the home for
lightly battered women.

 

••

Some congressmen are so upset about how
much the government pays farmers not to grow
wheat, that they want more money not to accept
bribes.

 

••

There's a nudist convention in town next week.
I might go if I've nothing on.

 

••

Nobody says that you are dumb.
They just say you were sixteen years old before
you learned how to wave good-bye.

 

••

Husband returned from office and wife drew a
breath of relief: “Thank lord.
Good that you are safe and sound.”
Husband: “Why, what’s wrong?”
Wife: “A few persons were talking near our
window that a dumb looking man got crushed
under a car.”

 

••

Sarah was a curious thirteen year old girl.
"Mommy," she said, "I'd like you to answer one
question."
"Very good," replied her mother, "I was
wondering when you would become curious
about birds, flowers and bees."
"It's not that," said the girl.
"I know all about screwing.
What I would like to know is how to make
lasagna."

 

••

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to
guess what day a woman was born just by feeling
her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to
lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I
born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
When you are over seventy who gives a shit?

 

••

I'll tell you one reason why this country is such
a mess:
We owe 17 Trillion - a few people are
concerned.
Dude who makes Duck Calls comes out against
the gay lifestyle - the whole country takes a piss!
 

••
The police were called to a local bar in R-Ville.
The reason was a complaint of public indecency.
When they finally arrived at the bar they found a
woman wearing only knee socks!
The woman was about to leave with four men.
The police moved in to arrest all five people, but
the men protested to the police.
They insisted they were not taking advantage
of the woman.
They explained that they were family members
trying to take her home.
Specifically they stated that they were the woman's
husband, brother, cousin, and uncle.
There was one problem the police found with their
story:
Not one of them knew the woman's name!

 

••

I was sitting in the doctors' waiting room and it
was already 2 1/2 hours past my appointment time,
finally an old man stood up and said "I'm going
home to die a natural death"....

 

••••