••
♥
Top 10 Santa Pick-Up Lines......
10. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it
in a sleigh?
9. Wanna see my 12-inch elf?
8. I`ve got something special in the sack for
you!
7. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
6. I know when you've been bad or good--
so let's skip the small talk, sister!
5. Some of my best toys run on batteries...
4. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"?
(Well, that's what the Mrs. calls it ...)
3. I see you when you`re sleeping and you
don`t wear any underwear, do you?
2. Screw the "nice" list I`ve got you on my
"naughty" list!
1. Wanna join the "Mile High" club?
10. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it
in a sleigh?
9. Wanna see my 12-inch elf?
8. I`ve got something special in the sack for
you!
7. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
6. I know when you've been bad or good--
so let's skip the small talk, sister!
5. Some of my best toys run on batteries...
4. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"?
(Well, that's what the Mrs. calls it ...)
3. I see you when you`re sleeping and you
don`t wear any underwear, do you?
2. Screw the "nice" list I`ve got you on my
"naughty" list!
1. Wanna join the "Mile High" club?
••
Three women, one engaged, one a mistress and
the other married decided to treat their men by
wearing black leather bra's, stiletto heels and a
leather face mask.
The next day the engaged woman says "my
man leaped on me and we made love all night".
The mistress adds "me too, we had wild
uninhibited sex all night".
The married woman sighs "my husband came
home and said "What's for dinner, Batman?"
the other married decided to treat their men by
wearing black leather bra's, stiletto heels and a
leather face mask.
The next day the engaged woman says "my
man leaped on me and we made love all night".
The mistress adds "me too, we had wild
uninhibited sex all night".
The married woman sighs "my husband came
home and said "What's for dinner, Batman?"
••
Nervous first timer to skipper.
"Do yachts like this sink very often?".
"No, usually it's only once!"
Nervous first timer to skipper.
"Do yachts like this sink very often?".
"No, usually it's only once!"
••
A man in a pub orders a beer.
He gets it and begins to drink it and notices the
beer is kind of warm.
So he mentions something to the bartender,
who tells him to shut up and just drink his beer.
Then it is time to pay and instead of giving three
$1 dollar bills to the bartender the guy throws
30 dimes behind the counter.
The bartender is pissed and is on his hands and
knees collecting change as the guy leaves.
The next day the man is back and he comes in
waiving a $5 dollar bill.
The bartender thinks: "okay, business is business"
and lets him in.
Again, the beer is kind of warm, but the guy
doesn't say anything.
Comes time to pay, the man gives him the $5
note.
The bartender goes to the register to get the
change, but instead of taking out two $1 dollar
bills, he takes out 20 dimes and throws them all
around the entire pub.
The bartender says: " there is your fu*king
change!"
The man looks around and remains quite calm.
He takes out 10 dimes, throws them behind the
counter and says: "Gimme another beer! "
He gets it and begins to drink it and notices the
beer is kind of warm.
So he mentions something to the bartender,
who tells him to shut up and just drink his beer.
Then it is time to pay and instead of giving three
$1 dollar bills to the bartender the guy throws
30 dimes behind the counter.
The bartender is pissed and is on his hands and
knees collecting change as the guy leaves.
The next day the man is back and he comes in
waiving a $5 dollar bill.
The bartender thinks: "okay, business is business"
and lets him in.
Again, the beer is kind of warm, but the guy
doesn't say anything.
Comes time to pay, the man gives him the $5
note.
The bartender goes to the register to get the
change, but instead of taking out two $1 dollar
bills, he takes out 20 dimes and throws them all
around the entire pub.
The bartender says: " there is your fu*king
change!"
The man looks around and remains quite calm.
He takes out 10 dimes, throws them behind the
counter and says: "Gimme another beer! "
••
A man sits in a bar, reading a newspaper.
Suddenly he is tapped on his shoulder by
another man: "Excuse me sir, but do you know
Mrs. Appleblossom?"
The man folds up his newspaper, coughs
slightly and replies: "just a moment sir", after
which he takes out a little black notebook.
"A, A, A... [finding the name in the book] yes,
actually I do know Mrs. Appleblossom.".
He puts the notebook back into his inside
pocket picks up the newspaper and continues
reading.
The other man taps his shoulder again:
"Excuse me sir, but have you been to bed with
Mrs. Appleblossom?"
The first gent puts the newspaper down again,
finds his notebook and checks: "B, B, B... ahh,
yes, I have been to bed with Mrs. Appleblossom"
He starts putting the notebook away when he
once again is tapped on the shoulder:
"Excuse me sir, but I am Mr. Appleblossom,
and I am very disappointed..."
"D, D, D... ahh... yes sir, so was I!"
Suddenly he is tapped on his shoulder by
another man: "Excuse me sir, but do you know
Mrs. Appleblossom?"
The man folds up his newspaper, coughs
slightly and replies: "just a moment sir", after
which he takes out a little black notebook.
"A, A, A... [finding the name in the book] yes,
actually I do know Mrs. Appleblossom.".
He puts the notebook back into his inside
pocket picks up the newspaper and continues
reading.
The other man taps his shoulder again:
"Excuse me sir, but have you been to bed with
Mrs. Appleblossom?"
The first gent puts the newspaper down again,
finds his notebook and checks: "B, B, B... ahh,
yes, I have been to bed with Mrs. Appleblossom"
He starts putting the notebook away when he
once again is tapped on the shoulder:
"Excuse me sir, but I am Mr. Appleblossom,
and I am very disappointed..."
"D, D, D... ahh... yes sir, so was I!"
••
A man was recently flying to New York.
He decided to strike up a conversation with his
seat mate.
"I've got a great policeman joke.
Would you like to hear it?"
"I should let you know first that I am a
policeman."
"That's OK. I'll tell it really slow!"
He decided to strike up a conversation with his
seat mate.
"I've got a great policeman joke.
Would you like to hear it?"
"I should let you know first that I am a
policeman."
"That's OK. I'll tell it really slow!"
••
Sometimes, when I'm in class, I dream that I'm
on a tropical island, with a dozen or more scantily
clad (mostly topless) females beside me,
sitting under a huge palm tree, with some soft
gentle music being played on some traditional
wood instruments of that region, and a cool
gentle breeze caressing my tanned body.
I do all this while trying to forget I'm in a
classroom.
Of course, it would be so much easier without
everyone yelling at me to keep teaching.
on a tropical island, with a dozen or more scantily
clad (mostly topless) females beside me,
sitting under a huge palm tree, with some soft
gentle music being played on some traditional
wood instruments of that region, and a cool
gentle breeze caressing my tanned body.
I do all this while trying to forget I'm in a
classroom.
Of course, it would be so much easier without
everyone yelling at me to keep teaching.
••
The Policeman recently stopped a woman for
exceeding the posted speed limit.
He asked the driver her name.
She said, "I'm Mrs. Ladislav Abdulkhashim
Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of
Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in Columbia."
The cop put away his summons book and pen,
and said, "Well... OK...
but don't let me catch you speeding again."
The Policeman recently stopped a woman for
exceeding the posted speed limit.
He asked the driver her name.
She said, "I'm Mrs. Ladislav Abdulkhashim
Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of
Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in Columbia."
The cop put away his summons book and pen,
and said, "Well... OK...
but don't let me catch you speeding again."
••
Went to lunch with a friend today to a new
chicken place.
We asked how they prepare their chickens.
The answer was, "We just tell them they're going
to die."
chicken place.
We asked how they prepare their chickens.
The answer was, "We just tell them they're going
to die."
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