••
♥
Tourist guide at zoo: "Ladies and gentlemen,
this is the elephant, the largest animal to roam
the lands.
Every day the elephant eats 3 dozen bunches of
bananas, 6 tons of hay, and 2000 pounds of
assorted fruits.
Madam, please don't stand near the elephant's
backside.... Madam, PLEASE don't stand near
the elephant's backside ...
MADAM ... MADAM ..., too late;
this is the elephant, the largest animal to roam
the lands.
Every day the elephant eats 3 dozen bunches of
bananas, 6 tons of hay, and 2000 pounds of
assorted fruits.
Madam, please don't stand near the elephant's
backside.... Madam, PLEASE don't stand near
the elephant's backside ...
MADAM ... MADAM ..., too late;
George, dig her out."
••
An elderly couple who are both widowed have been
courting for a long time.
They decide it's finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they go out to dinner and talk
about how their marriage might work.
They discuss finances, living arrangements and so
on.
Finally, the man broaches the subject of their
physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asks, rather
tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently," replies the old lady.
The old gentleman sits quietly for a moment,
adjusts his glasses, leans over towards her and
whispers: "Is that one word or two?"
courting for a long time.
They decide it's finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they go out to dinner and talk
about how their marriage might work.
They discuss finances, living arrangements and so
on.
Finally, the man broaches the subject of their
physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asks, rather
tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently," replies the old lady.
The old gentleman sits quietly for a moment,
adjusts his glasses, leans over towards her and
whispers: "Is that one word or two?"
••
A somewhat drunk man feels a bald man's head
and says, "Say, your head feels just like my
wife's ass."
The bald man feels his own head and says with
a grin, "You know, you're right!"
and says, "Say, your head feels just like my
wife's ass."
The bald man feels his own head and says with
a grin, "You know, you're right!"
••
Man walks into a supermarket and buys :
1 bar of soap, 1 toothbrush, 1 tube toothpaste,
1 loaf of bread, 1 pint of milk, 1 single serving
cereal, 1 single serving frozen dinner.........
The girl at the checkout looks at him and says
"Single are you?"
The man replies very sarcastically "How did you
guess?"
She replies "because you're ugly."
1 bar of soap, 1 toothbrush, 1 tube toothpaste,
1 loaf of bread, 1 pint of milk, 1 single serving
cereal, 1 single serving frozen dinner.........
The girl at the checkout looks at him and says
"Single are you?"
The man replies very sarcastically "How did you
guess?"
She replies "because you're ugly."
••
"Their marriage was going O.K. until they bought
a water bed... then they started
drifting apart."
a water bed... then they started
drifting apart."
••
Old Simpson was a constant thorn in the side of
the Parent-Teachers Association, with his
steadfast opposition to innovation.
For one thing, he was vociferously against the
introduction of foreign languages in the town's
junior high school curriculum.
Waving his Bible high in the air, he shouted,
"If English was good enough for the prophets
and the apostles, it's plenty good enough for me."
the Parent-Teachers Association, with his
steadfast opposition to innovation.
For one thing, he was vociferously against the
introduction of foreign languages in the town's
junior high school curriculum.
Waving his Bible high in the air, he shouted,
"If English was good enough for the prophets
and the apostles, it's plenty good enough for me."
••
I was sitting behind a car at a stop light the other
day and I noticed that it had a bumper sticker
that read "Honk if you love Jesus".
So I thoughtabout it a bit and since I loved Jesus,
I honked my horn.
I was very suprised when the driver of the car
got out and yelled, "The light is still red you
asshole!!!!" got back in the car and drove off
through the light which had just turned green.
day and I noticed that it had a bumper sticker
that read "Honk if you love Jesus".
So I thoughtabout it a bit and since I loved Jesus,
I honked my horn.
I was very suprised when the driver of the car
got out and yelled, "The light is still red you
asshole!!!!" got back in the car and drove off
through the light which had just turned green.
••
An indolent vicar of Bray
Kept his wife in the family way,
Till she grew more alert,
Bought a vaginal squirt,
And said to her spuose, "Let us spray!"
Kept his wife in the family way,
Till she grew more alert,
Bought a vaginal squirt,
And said to her spuose, "Let us spray!"
••
There was a young lady named Maude
A terrible society fraud:
In company, I'm told
She was awfully cold.
But if you got her alone, Oh My God!
A terrible society fraud:
In company, I'm told
She was awfully cold.
But if you got her alone, Oh My God!
••
Went out last night and got really wasted.
I woke up in the middle of the night next to
some chick who was snoring and farting,
so I knew I made it home OK!
I woke up in the middle of the night next to
some chick who was snoring and farting,
so I knew I made it home OK!
••
How does an R-ville policeman go fishing?
He catches one fish, then beats it until it tells
him where the others are.
He catches one fish, then beats it until it tells
him where the others are.
••••
