••
♥
A woman who plays cards once a month with a
group of friends was concerned that she always
woke her husband when she came home around
11:30.
One night she decided to try not to rouse him.
She undressed in the living room and, purse
over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom -
only to find her husband sitting up in bed
reading.
"Darn it woman!" he exclaimed.
"Did you lose everything?"
group of friends was concerned that she always
woke her husband when she came home around
11:30.
One night she decided to try not to rouse him.
She undressed in the living room and, purse
over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom -
only to find her husband sitting up in bed
reading.
"Darn it woman!" he exclaimed.
"Did you lose everything?"
••
When I was born, the doctor took one look at
my face, turned me over and said,
"Look ... twins!" - Rodney Dangerfield....
my face, turned me over and said,
"Look ... twins!" - Rodney Dangerfield....
••
Mother: Why did you get such a low marks on
that test?
Junior: Because of absence.
Mother: You mean you were absent on the day
of the test?
Junior: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.
that test?
Junior: Because of absence.
Mother: You mean you were absent on the day
of the test?
Junior: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.
••
The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised
when a young lady about twenty years old
walked up and sat on his lap.
Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults,
but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked
her, "What do you want for Christmas?"
"Something for my mother, please." said the
young lady.
"Something for your mother?
Well, that's very thoughtful of you,''
smiled Santa.
"What do you want me to bring her? "
Without blinking she replied, "A son-in-law!"
The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised
when a young lady about twenty years old
walked up and sat on his lap.
Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults,
but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked
her, "What do you want for Christmas?"
"Something for my mother, please." said the
young lady.
"Something for your mother?
Well, that's very thoughtful of you,''
smiled Santa.
"What do you want me to bring her? "
Without blinking she replied, "A son-in-law!"
••
On a train from London to Manchester to watch
the cricket, an Australian was berating the
Englishman sitting across from him in the
compartment.
"You English are too stuffy.
You set yourselves apart too much.
You think your stiff upper lip makes you above
the rest of us.
Look at me... I'm ME!
I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish
blood, and some Aborigine blood..
What do you say to that ?"
The Englishman replied,
"Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"
the cricket, an Australian was berating the
Englishman sitting across from him in the
compartment.
"You English are too stuffy.
You set yourselves apart too much.
You think your stiff upper lip makes you above
the rest of us.
Look at me... I'm ME!
I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish
blood, and some Aborigine blood..
What do you say to that ?"
The Englishman replied,
"Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"
••
Just before Christmas, an honest politician,
a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding
in the elevator of a very posh hotel.
Just before the doors opened they all noticed a
$20 bill lying on the floor.
Which one picked it up?
Santa of course, because the other two don't
exist!
a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding
in the elevator of a very posh hotel.
Just before the doors opened they all noticed a
$20 bill lying on the floor.
Which one picked it up?
Santa of course, because the other two don't
exist!
••
Bobby walks into a bar and says, "Bartender,
one round for everyone, on me!"
The bartender says, "Well, seems you're in a
really good mood tonight, hmm?"
Bobby says, "Oh, you can bet on it!
I just got hired by the city to go around and
remove all the money from parking meters.
I start on Monday!"
The bartender congratulates him and proceeds
to pour the round.
Monday evening arrives and Bobby comes back
into the bar and says, "Bartender, TWO rounds
for everyone, on me!"
The bartender says, "Well now! If you're so
happy just over having this new job, I can just
imagine how happy you'll be when you get your
paycheck!"
Bobby looks at the bartender with a wondrous
look on his face, pulls out a handful of quarters
from his pocket, and says, "You mean they'll
PAY me too?"
one round for everyone, on me!"
The bartender says, "Well, seems you're in a
really good mood tonight, hmm?"
Bobby says, "Oh, you can bet on it!
I just got hired by the city to go around and
remove all the money from parking meters.
I start on Monday!"
The bartender congratulates him and proceeds
to pour the round.
Monday evening arrives and Bobby comes back
into the bar and says, "Bartender, TWO rounds
for everyone, on me!"
The bartender says, "Well now! If you're so
happy just over having this new job, I can just
imagine how happy you'll be when you get your
paycheck!"
Bobby looks at the bartender with a wondrous
look on his face, pulls out a handful of quarters
from his pocket, and says, "You mean they'll
PAY me too?"
••
A new study says spanking is bad for kids,
however, experts are a bit suspicious of the
findings - the study was written in crayon.
however, experts are a bit suspicious of the
findings - the study was written in crayon.
••
What happened when there was a fight in the
fish and chips shop?
Two fish got battered.
fish and chips shop?
Two fish got battered.
••
How do you know when a woman's about to
say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with ,
"A man once told me... "
say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with ,
"A man once told me... "
••••
