••
♥
To all those who received a book from me as a
Christmas present...
They are due back at the library today.
••
My favorite spot at our local zoo is the House
of Night, where nocturnal creatures crawl and
fly about.
One very bright day, I stepped into the exhibit
and was plunged into total darkness.
Almost immediately, a small hand grabbed
mine.
"And who do you belong to?" I asked.
His answer came swiftly:
"I'm yours till the lights come on."
of Night, where nocturnal creatures crawl and
fly about.
One very bright day, I stepped into the exhibit
and was plunged into total darkness.
Almost immediately, a small hand grabbed
mine.
"And who do you belong to?" I asked.
His answer came swiftly:
"I'm yours till the lights come on."
••
My mother lacks a green thumb, but she keeps
at it.
One day, pointing to a line of new plants by the
kitchen window, my sister whispered to me,
"Look, death row."
at it.
One day, pointing to a line of new plants by the
kitchen window, my sister whispered to me,
"Look, death row."
••
I think I've been eating too much salmon over
Christmas.
I've just tried to run up an escalator that was
going down.
Christmas.
I've just tried to run up an escalator that was
going down.
••
Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover
Township, N. J., in September, and his wife
Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of
dynamite that blew up in their car.
While driving around at 2a.m., the bored couple
lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the
window to see what would happen, but they
apparently failed to notice that the window was
closed.
Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover
Township, N. J., in September, and his wife
Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of
dynamite that blew up in their car.
While driving around at 2a.m., the bored couple
lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the
window to see what would happen, but they
apparently failed to notice that the window was
closed.
••
In a courtroom, a pursesnatcher is on trial and
the victim is stating what happened.
She says, "Yes, that is him.
I saw him clear as day.
I'd remember his face anywhere."
At which point, the defendant bursts out,
"You couldn't see my face, lady.....
I was wearing a mask!"
the victim is stating what happened.
She says, "Yes, that is him.
I saw him clear as day.
I'd remember his face anywhere."
At which point, the defendant bursts out,
"You couldn't see my face, lady.....
I was wearing a mask!"
••
I once knew a guy who was deaf.
He used sign language to communicate and
occasionally he'd get real animated doing it.
So we sometimes had to tell him to keep his
voice down.
He used sign language to communicate and
occasionally he'd get real animated doing it.
So we sometimes had to tell him to keep his
voice down.
••
A family was having dinner on Mother's Day.
For some reason the mother was unusually
quiet.
Finally the husband asked what was wrong.
"Nothing," said the woman.
Not buying it, he asked again.
"Seriously, what's wrong?"
"Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you.
I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for
15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even
tell me so much as "Thank you."
"Why should I?" he said.
"Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's
Day gift."
"Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."
For some reason the mother was unusually
quiet.
Finally the husband asked what was wrong.
"Nothing," said the woman.
Not buying it, he asked again.
"Seriously, what's wrong?"
"Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you.
I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for
15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even
tell me so much as "Thank you."
"Why should I?" he said.
"Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's
Day gift."
"Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."
••
In a dry cleaner: We do not tear your clothing
with machinery.
We do it carefully by hand.
with machinery.
We do it carefully by hand.
••
I was shopping in a pet store when I overheard a
woman singing the praises of a particular water
bowl to her husband.
"Look, it even has a water filter!" she concluded,
holding the doggie dish out for her husband's
inspection.
He had a slightly different take on things:
"Dear, he drinks out of the toilet."
woman singing the praises of a particular water
bowl to her husband.
"Look, it even has a water filter!" she concluded,
holding the doggie dish out for her husband's
inspection.
He had a slightly different take on things:
"Dear, he drinks out of the toilet."
••
Two old buddies from WW II , in their 90"s,
are sitting on a bench talking.
One of them ask the other, "Hey Bill, you
remember back in the big war to end all wars,
they gave us those salt peter pills to make us
forget about sex?"
"Yeah, I remember, Joe, what about em?"
"I think mine is starting to work!"
are sitting on a bench talking.
One of them ask the other, "Hey Bill, you
remember back in the big war to end all wars,
they gave us those salt peter pills to make us
forget about sex?"
"Yeah, I remember, Joe, what about em?"
"I think mine is starting to work!"
••••
