••

 

••

♥

 

The man walked over to the perfume counter and
told the clerk he’d like a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for
his wife’s 60th birthday.
 “A little surprise, eh?” smiled the clerk.
 “You bet,” answered the customer.
“She’s expecting a cruise.”

 

••

What did George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and
Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They were all born on holidays.

 

••

Girl Came Angrily Out Of Boss’s office...
A Friend Asked- Why are you so sad?
Girl- He Asked Me are you Free Tonight?
I Said Absolutely Free Sir…
That idiot Gave 60 Pages To Type!

 

••

Marriage is – An event which is called “tying the knot”
unfortunately, the knot can be a noose.
 Marriage is – A word which always means
commitment – but so does insanity.
 Marriage is – The joining of two people, one who
never remembers birthdays, and the other who
never forgets them.
 Marriage is – The only legal method of suppressing
freedom of speech.
 Marriage is – A status which depends upon two to
be successful but only one to turn into a failure.
 Marriage is – A condition where no wife gets what
she expected, and no husband expected what he was
getting.

 

••

There is nothing more expensive than a female
 tear…..
When a single drop comes out,it first mixes with
“loreal” eyeliner and “Dior” mascara...
then when it comes down to cheek….
it mixes with D&G blusher...
and in case it touches the lips...
it gets mixed with “Maybelline” lipstick...
this means that a single drop is worth atleast $50 ....

 

••

Husband: Why didn’t you give me anything for my
birthday?
Wife: You told me to surprise you.

 

••

"People ask me where all my money went,
I tell them half of it I spent on gambling,
fast women and liquor, the other half I wasted!" W.C.

••
A UVA football player was almost killed yesterday
in a tragic horseback-riding accident.
 He fell from a horse and was nearly trampled to
death.
Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and
unplugged the horse.

 

••

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying
glass. ...
At night.

 

••

 

 

••

 

••

♥

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

 

••

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of
golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake
up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and
without an argument go directly to the golf course,
meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, “Let’s do it!
We’ll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet
here early Christmas morning.”
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there
they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, “Boy this game cost me a fortune!
I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can’t
take her eyes off it.”
Number 2 guy says, “I spent a ton, too.
My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her.
She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.”
Number 3 guy says “Well my wife is at home
admiring her new car, reading the manual.”
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is
staring at them like they have lost their minds.
“I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this
golf game.
I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe,
Merry Christmas! it’s a great morning for sex or golf ‘
and she said, “Take a sweater…”

 

••

I was lying next to my wife in bed last night and
whispered, "Did you know that sex can cure
headaches?"
 She looked at me and said, "So can aspirin and
they last four hours."

 

••

Johnson, the Matchmaker, goes to meet Mr. Ford,
who is a bachelor for many years.
Johnson says to Mr. Ford, "I suggest you do not
delay it any further.
I have someone in mind who is just perfect for you.
You just have to say yes and I'll arrange for you to
meet her.
Before you know, you'll be married!"
"Please don't bother," replies Mr. Ford, "I have two
sisters at home, who take care of all my needs."
Johnson says, "Well that's good, but all the sisters
in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."
"I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were mine!"

 

••

My wife sent me a picture earlier with the message,
"This is what's waiting for you when you get home."
 I'm not sure if I'm getting lucky or we're having
chicken.

 

••

The hardest task facing kids today is to learn good
manners without actually seeing any.

 

••

A blonde was seen walking in a local mall wearing a
shirt, shoes, and nothing else.
When security stopped her and ask what she thought
she was doing, she replied, "I saw a sign that said
'take half off and save money'."

 

••

If I get another pet, I'm going to name it Peeve.
It'll be my new pet peeve.

 

••

 

 

••

 

••

♥

Just had our rally against apathy...
...small crowd showed up.

 

••

When our daughter was born, we named her Myles,
after my beloved late father, despite family warning
that the name was too masculine.
Years later, when I felt she was old enough to
understand, I explained to Myles, Your name is very
special.
I named you after my own father because I loved
him very much.
I know he would be proud of you.
Myles thought carefully about this and then said,
I know all that, Mom.
But I don't understand why my grandfather had
a girl's name.

 

••

If you get an email telling you that you can catch
swine 'flu from tins of ham then delete it.....
It's spam.

 

••

A skinhead and his girlfriend were walking down
main street when she spotted a beautiful diamond
ring in a jewelry store window.
"Wow, I'd sure love to have that!" she said.
"No problem, baby," the skinhead said, throwing a
brick through the glass and grabbing the ring.
A few blocks later, his girlfriend was admiring a
black leather jacket in another shop window.
"What I'd give to own that!" she said.
"Sure thing, darling," the skinhead said, throwing
another brick through the window and snatching
the coat.
Finally, turning for home, they pass a Mercedes car
dealership.
"Boy, I'd do anything for one of those!" she said to
her boyfriend.
 "Damn, baby!" the skinhead cried.
"Do you think I'm made of bricks?"

 

••

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without
holding on. - Dean Martin

 

••

A psychiatrist was testing the mentality of a patient.
"Do you ever hear voices without being able to tell
who is speaking or where the voices are coming from?"
asked the psychiatrist.
"As a matter of fact, I do," said the patient.
"And when does this happen?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Oh," said the patient, "when I answer the telephone."

 

••

Q: What's red, black and blue and lies in the gutter?
A: A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes...

 

••

A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a
witness in a lawsuit.
The prosecutor opened his questioning with,
"Where were you the night of August 24th?"
"Objection!" said the defense attorney.... "Irrelevant!"
"Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness
stand.
"I don't mind answering the question."
"I object!" the defense said again.
"No, really," said the blonde....... "I'll answer."
The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering,
there is no reason for the defense to object."
So the prosecutor repeated the question:
"Where were you the night of August 24th?"
The blonde replied brightly, "I don't know."

 

••

 

 

••

 

••

♥

My wife being the romantic sort, just sent me a text...

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you xxx."
I replied........"I am taking a dump........
What should I do?"

 

••

One of the most striking differences between a cat

and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives. -Mark Twain

 

••

What do you get when you cross a Doberman

pincher with an Alligator ?
A Crime Free Neighborhood !

 

••

Being pulled over is no joke.

Its scary, but you know whats even worse?
Being a passenger in your friends car when they get
pulled over.
Thats when you start finding out the things about
your best friend you never knew existed.
Damn! Damn! This car is not even registered.
I got a handgun in the glove box, cocaine under your
seat.
I'm wearing a wig, and weve got a dead body in the
trunk.

 

••

My wife wanted to spice things up in the bedroom.

 So I dipped her vibrator in tabasco sauce.

 

••

Son: "Dad, did you go to Church when

you were little?"
Dad: "Yes son, every single Sunday."
Son: "I Thought so. Bet it won't do me
any good either."

 

••

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a butterfly

Will you say what you mean and stop flitting about!

 

••

Had a friend that had 2 fingers cut off.

Next day when i heard about it i called and told him
i was with the FBI and i understood that we needed
to make an appointment for some new fingerprint
cards.
There was no hesitation on his part when he said yes
and it won't take near as much ink..

 

••

 

Good Morning....
••

 

••

♥

After the church service, a little boy told the pastor:
"When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."
"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"
"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest
preachers we've ever had."

 

••

John got off the elevator on the 50th floor and
nervously knocked on his blind date's door.
She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as
everyone had said.
"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said.
"Why don't you play with Spot, my dog, while you're
waiting?"
He does wonderful tricks.
He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make
a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."
The dog followed John onto the balcony and started
rolling over.
John made a hoop with his arms and Spot jumped
through--over the balcony railing.
Just then John's date walked out.
"Isn't Spot the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"
"To tell the the truth, " he replied,
"Spot seemed a little depressed to me!"

 

••

Usless Knowledge:
Before she met Popeye, Olive Oyl
went out with Ham Gravy.

 

••

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as
his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward,
then backwards again....back and forth...back and
forth...in and out...in and out.
 Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...
then she made a sound, softly at first, then began to
groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty
scream and shouted, "OK, OK! I CAN'T park the
damn car!
You do it.......

 

••
I couldn't get my kite to fly today so I called the
National Kite Flyers Association to get some advice.
They kept telling me to hold the line.

 

••

A biology teacher at a school announces to the pupils
that there is an exam the next week on birds.
He tells the class that they have to know everything
about every bird there is.
A student goes home to revise birds: wings, beaks
and feathers on different bird species.
 On the day of the exam, the teacher shows a table
with five bags on it.
Under each bag is a model of a bird.
The teacher lifts the first bag to reveal only the legs
of the bird, then tells the class to write down what
species the bird is.
A pupil groans because she can't even guess what
species the bird is.
When the teacher gets to the third bag the pupil
stands up, walks up to the table, throws down her
crumpled exam paper onto the table and says,
"This is the most ridiculous test I've ever  seen!
You are a  horrible teacher"!
The teacher says, "Calm down young lady, what is
your name?"
The pupil raises her dress to her knees and says,
"You tell me!"

•• 
A man comes home early from work and finds his
wife in the company of another man.
The conversation goes like this...
Wife : Why are you so early from work ?
Husband : Who is he ?
Wife : Now , don't change the topic !!

 

••

America; where there are ten million laws to enforce
Ten Commandments.

 

••

I was at the donut shop this morning when this
old lady comes in trips on the mat and goes head
first in to a glass display breaking everything.
As I stood there looking at her in shock I thought:
Holy Hell! This is definitely going on YouTube!

••

 

 

# 1815

☺☺

 

☺☺

♥

A regular commuter who always gave change to a
beggar sitting on the corner of a street, noticed one
day that the beggar was sitting with two begging
bowls set apart instead of the usual one.
Upon asking the beggar said: “Now a days the
business is good.
So I have opened a branch office to expand my
business."

 

☺☺

At his first press conference as president-elect,
Barack Obama said America will succeed if we can
put aside partisanship and politics.
In other words, we're totally screwed.

 

☺☺

Taz, the blonde was checking in at the airport and
she asked for an aisle seat on the airplane.
The reason she gave was that she didn't want to mess
up her hair by sitting near the window.

 

☺☺

Lotta self-help tapes out there.
Got one called 'How to Handle Disappointment.'
I got it home and the box was empty.

 

☺☺

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a snail
Don't worry we'll soon have you out of your shell!

 

☺☺

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, ‘I was artificially inseminated
this morning.’
‘I don’t believe you,’ says Dolly.
‘It’s true; no bull!’ exclaims Daisy...

 

☺☺

I am so old that . . . whenever I eat out,
they ask me for the money up front.

 

☺☺

One reason the Military Services have trouble
operating jointly is that they don't speak the same
language.
For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a
building," they would turn off the lights and lock the
doors.
The Army would occupy the building so no one
could enter.
Marines would assault the building, capture it, and
defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.
The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a
three-year lease with an option to buy.

 

☺☺

Doctor, Doctor I feel like an apple.
We must get to the core of this!

 

☺☺