#1,528

Good Morning......

•••

••

♥♥♥

The scene is on a merchant ship in the 17th
century.
The first mate goes below where the slaves are
rowing to the cadence of the drum.
 "Listen up...I've got good news and bad news.
Which do you want first?" shouted the first mate.
 "Good news" yelled the slaves.
"OK, there will be double food rations for the next
week".
The slaves all cheered with amazement.
 "Now for the bad news...
the captain wants to water ski"

••

I held the door open for a gorgeous blonde in the
pub last night.
My wife said, "You've never held the door open
for me."
I said, "What about the time you threatened to
leave."
Going to be a long lonely recovery in the hospital,
come visit me when you can; wife won't.

••

At the pre-birth class for couples who'd already
had at least one child the instructor raised the
question of how to break the news to an older
child.
 "Some parents tell the older child,
'We love you so much that we decided to bring
another child into our family.'
 "But think about that for a second........
Ladies, what if your husband came home one day
and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to
bring home another wife.'?"
 One of the women spoke up right away,
"Does she cook?"

••

Isn't it odd the way everyone automatically
assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always
soap?
I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach
people a lesson in trust.

••

My talking old clock that my wife wanted to throw
out, Said it doesn't work.
I told her that my talking clock works perfectly
and proved it to her.
I just started to bang it repeatedly against the wall,
like I always do, and as usual, the neighbour
SCREAMED "WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU!
ITS 3 O CLOCK IN THE MORNING!!!!"

••

“If you don't read the newspaper, you are
uninformed;
if you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed."
- Mark Twain

••

I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I
could take her home, and she said yes with a
big smile.
The look on her face soon changed when I walked
off with her cardboard box.

••

Group of dementia sufferers protesting  outside
the White House......
They were chanting.."what do we want"?
"When do we want it"?....
"When do we want what"?

••

Seems there was this convention of rockstars,
and they were all getting training for a fire
emergency.
 One of the things they were to do was the
"stop, drop and roll" technique.
so all of the rockers get on the floor and start
rolling around and around, until finally the
instructor told them to stop.
They all promptly got up; all, that is, except for
Mick Jagger.
 "You can stop now, mr. Jagger," said the
instructor.
"But i'm really enjoying this rolling around
buisness," Mick replied.
"You are not supposed to be enjoying this,"
retorted the instructor.
Mick paused in mid-roll, looked at the instructor,
and said, "I know, it's only drop-and-roll, but I like
it, I like it, yes I do."

 

Good Morning......

☺☺☺

☺☺

♥♥♥

My wife noticed the cut on my finger......
and asked me what happened.
I replied, "I knicked it while I was cutting some
cord".
She replied, "You are such a clumsy idiot"!
I said, "Yeah, anyway, are we still on for skydiving
tomorrow"?

☺

Juan sees a man leaning against the wall of a
large building.
The man is puffing away, one cigarette after
another.
Juan says, “Sir, I couldn’t help noticing how you
chain-smoke.
How many packs do you smoke a day?”
“Four.”
“How long have you been smoking?”
“Thirty years.”
“That’s over six thousand packs.
If you didn’t smoke, you could have saved enough
money to buy this building.”
The smoker takes a deep puff and says,
“Do you smoke?”
“Never.”
“Do you own this building?”
“No.”
“Well, I do.”

☺

Two kids were deciding what game to play.
One said, “Let’s play doctor.”
“Good idea,” said the other.
You operate, and I’'ll sue.”

☺

Three men were preparing for a trip into the
desert. 
Each could bring one thing. 
One brought some food so they wouldn't starve.
The second brought some water so they wouldn't
dehydrate.
The third, a blond guy, brought a car door so he
could roll down the window if he got hot!

☺

Q. Why did the pig cross the road.....
 A. To prove that he wasn't a chicken

☺

Dateline: Jacksonville;
I need help catching the gator that ate my prized
pig.
My pig (Rudy Belle) was wearing a very expensive
necklace, a generational necklace, which was in
my wife's family for years.
 The emotional distress I have had from losing my
pig is nothing like the stress I will receive from
my wife if I don't get it back.
It happened at the Blue Cypress Golf Club and it
scared the bejesus out of me.
I spoke to management and they said there was
nothing they could do.
 If anyone has found the necklace or has seen this
gator ( has a weird blotchy snout) pleasssse
contact me.
 Thanks........Jimmy T.

☺

A young man went to a carpenter and asked,
"Can you build me a box that is two inches high,
two inches wide, and fifty feet long?"
"Hmm..." mused the carpenter.
"It could be done, I suppose, but what would you
want a box like that for?"
"Well, you see," said the young man,
"my neighbor moved away and forgot some things,
 so he asked me to send him his garden hose."

☺
 Three muslim men found guilty of handing out
anti-homosexuality leaflets.
Good luck in the showers.

☺

I saw an old lady in the Walmart parking
struggling to load her bags of shopping into her
car this morning.
As I walked past her, she said, "Excuse me young
man, can you possibly help me?"
"I'll give it a go darling" I said, "What's up?"
She said, "I've been trying to load these bags into
my car for about ten minutes or so,
my back is killing me, have you got the time?"
I said, "Yes, it's quarter past 11."

☺

Granny knot, surgeon's knot, hangman's knot,
square knot.
I can't do them, but my headphones sure  can.

 

Good Morning...

walkin the dog, in the rain...

I got this feeling ..... someones following me...

egg heads....

 wow... there is sand in the bed......

•••

••

♥♥♥

It’s my wife’s birthday ... Last week I asked her
what she wanted as a present.
 “Oh, I don’t know, she said .
Just give me something with diamonds.”
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.

••

An old couple were sitting on the porch one
afternoon rocking in their rocking chairs.
All the sudden the old man reaches over and
slaps his wife.
She says, "Well what was that for?"
He says, "Thats for 40 years of rotten sex!"
She doesn't reply and they start rocking again.
All the sudden the old lady reaches up and slaps
her husband.
He says, "Well what was that for?"
She says, "That's for knowing the difference!"

••

Maybe they call it take-home pay because there is
no other place you can afford to go with it.

••

Good way to die;
I held the door open for a gorgeous blonde in the
pub last night.
 My wife said, "You've never held the door open
for me."
 I said, "What about the  time you threatened to
leave."

••

The long-winded Congresman said to his colleague,
"Did you notice how my voice filled the House
chamber this afternoon?" 
Most certainly," the man replied.
"And did you notice how a lot of members left to
make room for it?"

••

Actual call to a computer helpline;
CALLER:  I'm having a problem with passwords
on my computer. 
When I type them in, it just shows stars.
TECH SUPPORT:  The asterisks are there to
protect you. 
For instance, if someone is standing behind you,
they won't know what you've typed in.
CALLER:  But they show up even when there is
no one standing behind me!

••

A baby was just born. 
He had all his parts and looked quite normal,
except that he was laughing like mad. 
All the doctors and nurses were examining the
little thing in front of the worried parents but he
kept on laughing, his tiny fists all closed and tears
rolling from his eyes.
One at a time, a pediatrician unfolded the tiny
fingers to check if the hand was all right,
and guess what he found?
The birth control pill!

••

A blonde went to a flight school insisting she
wanted to learn to fly.
As all the planes were currently in use,
the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how
to pilot the solo helicopter.
He took her out, showed her how to start it and
gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in.
"I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful,
and I'm starting to get the hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how
easy it was to fly.
The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet,
and was beginning to worry that she hadn't
radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she
crashed about half a mile away.
He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said,
"I don't know!
Everything was going fine, but as I got higher,
I was starting to get cold.
I can barely remember anything after I turned
off the big fan!"

••

Good Morning....Friends.....
Gonna be a nice Day......
◄►

Swim, Bubba, Swim.......

Something, aint right !!

I have nothing to say......

•••

••

♥♥♥

My wife just came in asking me to say those
three words that would make her dance on air.
I guess "Go hang yourself" wasn't the correct
answer.
It's gonna be a long, long night.

••

My wife and I eat from the three basic food groups,
canned, frozen, and take-out.

••

That Captain Francesco Schettino, of the ill fated
Italian cruise ship, was heard to say "I like my
ships like I like my whiskey ......... on the rocks." ?????

••

The orthopedist said that working with fractures
isn't all that it's cracked up to be.

••

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and deposits
a poopy little present on the woman’s head.
“Yech!” says the woman..... “Get some toilet paper.”
“What for?

He must be half-a-mile away by now.”

••

A jet ran into some turbulent weather.
To keep the passengers calm the flight attendants brought out
the beverage carts.
 “I'd like a soda, said a passenger in the first row.
Moving along, the attendant asked the man behind her if he
would like something.
 “Yes, I would, he replied..... “Give me whatever the pilot is
drinking!

••

A husband was giving a speech on wife’s 30th
birthday, he said;
 Forget about the past, you can’t change it.
 Forget about the future, you can’t predict it.
 Forget about the present.....

I didn’t get you one.

••

The man walked over to the perfume counter and
told the clerk he’d like a bottle of Chanel No. 5
for his wife’s 60th birthday.
 “A little surprise, eh?” smiled the clerk.
 “You bet,” answered the customer.....
“She’s expecting a cruise.”

••

Little Johnny : Mom, do you know what I’m going
to give you for your birthday?
Mom: No, dear, what?
Little Johnny: A nice teapot.
Mom: But I’ve got a nice teapot.
Little Johnny: No you haven’t.....
I’ve just dropped it.

••

I taught my dog how to beg.
Yesterday he came home with forty-two dollars.

 

••

•••

♥♥♥

Some favorite messages spotted on church signs
or billboards....
-Fire Insurance Inside
-This Church Is Prayer Conditioned
-God Answers Knee Mail
-PRAY NOW! Avoid Christmas Rush!
-Sign broken, come inside for message
-This is a ch--ch. What's missing? U R!
-Stop in the name of love and meet the Supreme
-Wal-Mart's not the only savings place
-The best position is on your knees!
 

••
A police dog responds to an ad for work with the
FBI.
"Well," says the personnel director, "You'll have
to meet some strict requirements.
First, you must type at least 60 words per minute."
 Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out
80 words per minute.
"Also," says the director, "You must pass a
physical and complete the obstacle course."
 This perfect canine specimen finishes the course
in record time.
"There's one last requirement," the director
continues; "you must be bilingual."
 With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says,
"Meow!"

••

A guy attending a wedding asks the person sitting
next to him, Hey, have you noticed how horrible
looking the bride is?.... Man, she's ugly!
 You jackass.
That's my daughter you're talking about!
the person responds.
Oops! I'm sorry, sir.
I didn't know you was the father.
I'm not, you stupid idiot..... I'm the mother!

••

My grandfather's new nickname is Rusty.
It's not because he has red hair.
It's just that whenever he gets out of a chair these
days he leaves a small brown mark behind.

••

A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to
follow, asked his father, "Dad, how soon will I be
old enough to do as I please?"
The father answered him immediately,
"I just don't know, son.
No male has ever lived that long yet."

••

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle
looking for something to eat when he came across
two men; one was sitting under a tree reading a
book while the other was typing away on his
typewriter.
The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the
book and devoured him proving even the king
of the jungle knows that readers.....
digest and writers cramp.

••

I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking,
okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a
decision she’ll regret in the future..

**************************

Good Morning...People...

•••

••

♥♥♥

I got yelled at again..... for using my wife's
toothbrush.
I promised I wouldn't do it anymore.
Anyone know a better way to clean dog crap out
of tennis shoes?

••

The newlywed Blonde went to the store to ask
how to operate the new coffeemaker received as
a wedding gift.
The salesman carefully explained how everything
worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go to bed,
and upon rising, the coffee is ready.
A few weeks later the goober was back in the store
and the salesman asked her how she liked the
coffee maker.
"Wonderful!" she replied, "But... it's just awfully
inconvenient to have to go to bed every time I
want to make a pot of coffee."

•••

During a performance for the high school talent
show at the local theater, a hole was cracked in
the stage floor.
Subsequent acts managed to avoid the damaged
area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins,
accidentally stepped through the hole up to his
knee.
 He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness.
But a heckler in the back of the theater shouted:
 "Don't worry, Freddy! It's just a stage you're
going through!"

••••

The drunken defendant appears yet again before
the tired judge, who says, "You have been
constantly appearing before me for the past
twenty years."
Replied the drunk: "Can I help it if you can't get
promoted?"

•••••

Census Taker: 'How many children do you have?'
Woman: 'Four.'
Census Taker: 'May I have their names, please?'
Woman: 'Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George.'
Census Taker: 'Okay, that's fine.
But may I ask why you named your fourth child
George?'
 Woman: 'Because we didn't want any Moe.'

••••••

Bob goes to pay his rent:
"What the hell?" says the landlord.
"That's only half of it!"
 "True," says Bob, "but I thought you could ask
the cockroaches to chip in."

•••••••

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing
on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees
and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I
requested you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees,
4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees,
15 minutes east longitude?
What would we be doing?"
After a confused silence, a lone voice volunteered,
"I guess you'd be eating alone."

••••••••

I was booking a flight when the woman at Easyjet
said to me "and how many people will you be
flying with sir?"
I said "how  should I know its your plane"

 

I bet that would be hard on the butt......

•••

••

♥♥♥

Q:  Why does a man twist his wedding ring on 
his finger?
A:   He's trying to figure out the combination.

••

''Secretary of State Hillary Clinton made a speech
urging Arab leaders to enact real reforms.
Halfway through the speech, Arab leaders looked
at each other and asked, 'Why this woman talking?''

••

What's the first two things man invented?
fire and the wheel
why?
What's the two things women complain about the
most?
I'm cold and you never take me anywhere.

••

At the police station, Bubba explained to the
police officer why his cousins shot him.
"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time
drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his
shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go
hunting?'"
 "And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.
"From what I remember," Bubba said,
"I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game."

••

Two blonds are waiting on a bus stop....
when a bus pulls up and opens the door.
One of the blonds leans inside and asks the driver:
"Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?"
 The bus driver shakes his head and says,
"No, I'm Sorry."
At this the other blond leans inside, smiles and
twitters: "Will it take ME?"

••

Husband: Why didn’t you give me anything for my
birthday?
Wife: You told me to surprise you.

☺☺