#1,528

Good Morning......

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♥♥♥

The scene is on a merchant ship in the 17th
century.
The first mate goes below where the slaves are
rowing to the cadence of the drum.
 "Listen up...I've got good news and bad news.
Which do you want first?" shouted the first mate.
 "Good news" yelled the slaves.
"OK, there will be double food rations for the next
week".
The slaves all cheered with amazement.
 "Now for the bad news...
the captain wants to water ski"

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I held the door open for a gorgeous blonde in the
pub last night.
My wife said, "You've never held the door open
for me."
I said, "What about the time you threatened to
leave."
Going to be a long lonely recovery in the hospital,
come visit me when you can; wife won't.

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At the pre-birth class for couples who'd already
had at least one child the instructor raised the
question of how to break the news to an older
child.
 "Some parents tell the older child,
'We love you so much that we decided to bring
another child into our family.'
 "But think about that for a second........
Ladies, what if your husband came home one day
and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to
bring home another wife.'?"
 One of the women spoke up right away,
"Does she cook?"

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Isn't it odd the way everyone automatically
assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always
soap?
I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach
people a lesson in trust.

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My talking old clock that my wife wanted to throw
out, Said it doesn't work.
I told her that my talking clock works perfectly
and proved it to her.
I just started to bang it repeatedly against the wall,
like I always do, and as usual, the neighbour
SCREAMED "WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU!
ITS 3 O CLOCK IN THE MORNING!!!!"

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“If you don't read the newspaper, you are
uninformed;
if you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed."
- Mark Twain

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I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I
could take her home, and she said yes with a
big smile.
The look on her face soon changed when I walked
off with her cardboard box.

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Group of dementia sufferers protesting  outside
the White House......
They were chanting.."what do we want"?
"When do we want it"?....
"When do we want what"?

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Seems there was this convention of rockstars,
and they were all getting training for a fire
emergency.
 One of the things they were to do was the
"stop, drop and roll" technique.
so all of the rockers get on the floor and start
rolling around and around, until finally the
instructor told them to stop.
They all promptly got up; all, that is, except for
Mick Jagger.
 "You can stop now, mr. Jagger," said the
instructor.
"But i'm really enjoying this rolling around
buisness," Mick replied.
"You are not supposed to be enjoying this,"
retorted the instructor.
Mick paused in mid-roll, looked at the instructor,
and said, "I know, it's only drop-and-roll, but I like
it, I like it, yes I do."