••

 

••

♥

They say marriages are made in Heaven.
But so is thunder and lightning...

 

••

A man who is having gas problems explains to his
doctor that every time he farts it sounds like honda.
The doctor does an examination and finds nothing
wrong with the man.
As a last resort he looks into the patient's mouth and
finally spots the problem.
"I'm sorry, you'll have to go to a dentist for your
problem."
So the man goes to see his dentist.
After a quick exam, the dentist announces that the
man has an abscess.
"No problem, I'll have you fit and without your
embarrassing problem in a jiffy," says the dentist.
Sure enough, the man's problem disappears and he
no longer makes
farts that sound like a honda.
The next week the man calls up the dentist and
thanks him for all he's done for him.
But before he hangs up he asks the dentist how he
knew the problem was caused by an abscess.
The dentist replies, "It's easy. Everyone knows that
an abscess makes the fart go honda.

 

••

Phobia: hadephobia Fear of: hell....

••
I got fired today.
I have been an accountant for the same company
since 2001........ What a waste of 14 years.

 

••

Things Mom Would Never Say......
1."How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far
back?"
2."Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"
3."Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house
look more cheery"
4."Let me smell that shirt --
Yeah, it's good for another week"
5."Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey.
I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"
6."Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good
enough for me."
7."The curfew is just a general time to shoot for.
It's not like I'm running a prison around here."
8."I don't have a tissue with me ...
just use your sleeve"
9."Don't bother wearing a jacket -
the wind-chill is bound to improve"

 

••

"You can be whatever you want on the internet,
why do so many people choose to be stupid?"

 

••••

 

#1848

☺☺

Cake for Breakfast?

 

••

♥

A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve

to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming.
She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry,
I won't dance with a child."
 "Please forgive me," responded the underclassman.
"I didn't realize you were pregnant."

 

••

Aliens DO indeed exist.

They just know better than to visit a planet that
Chuck Norris is on.....

 

••                        

You might be a reneck if...

 You can chew your own toenails.
 You've ever used an inner-tube patch on your jeans.
 You want the opening day of deer hunting season
to be declared a national holiday.
 Someone knocks on your front door and your back
door rattles.
 You let goldenrod grow in your yard because it
looks so pretty.
 You've ever absent-mindedly nibbled on your live
bait . . . and didn't spit it out.

••

saw a man with one arm.. shopping in a second hand

store.
I was all like, "You're not going to find what you're
looking for in here".

••

During a 2009 case in municipal court in Middletown

Ohio, a lawyer asked the judge to be excused from
representing his client.
The judge scanned the courtroom, looking for a
suitable replacement.
But before he could find one, the defendant stood up
and said, "That's all right, Judge.
I won't be needing another lawyer.
I've decided to tell the truth."

••

A blonde goes into a music store and asks the guy

who works there, where the country music CD's are.
The salesman replies, "Try the other side."
So the blonde moves to his other ear and says,
"Where are the country music CD's?

••

Bacon & eggs - Hens are involved but pigs are

committed.

••

Coca Cola was invented by John Pemerton in 1886.

It used to be made from coca leaves and could
contain traces of cocaine (from 0.1% to 0.9%
depending on where grown.)
Though it is no longer made with cocaine.

••

I've lived in New York for a long time, same

apartment, and there are a lot of robberies in that
building.
And I felt so bad for my neighbor because her dog
and VCR got stolen -- nothing else, just the dog and
the VCR.
I wonder what the burglar was thinking at the time?
Hmmm, I'd really like to rent a movie,
but I don't want to watch it by myself....

••

I don't understand what is wrong with you people.

You're all making apocalypse jokes like there's no
tomorrow.

••

One Friday night, a thirteen-year-old boy went into

a bar, sat down at a table in the corner of the pool
room.
When the waitress walked over to his table,
the teenager said, "Gimme a beer."
The waitress eyed him for a moment and said,
"Look, sonny...... Do you want to get me in trouble?"
The boy glanced back at her and replied,
"Maybe later....... Right now all I want is a beer."

••

 

 

☺☺

 

Looks like he's been working out......

Any one that locks a dog in the car....

I hope it smells good.....

 

••

♥

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been
any interest in his paintings on display at that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied.
"The good news is that a gentleman inquired about
your work and wondered if it would appreciate in
value after your death.
When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your
paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed.
"What's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor."

 

•• 

I went on a date with a blonde chick last nite
"Do you have any kids", she asked
"I have one child thats under two",I told her....
She said "I may be blonde, but I know how many
one is"

 

••

This ole redneck boy was at an awards banquet
dinner sitting across from a Japanese fellow.
A bit awkward but wanting to be friendly when they
brought out the soup, the ole redneck fellow asked
across the table; you likey soupy?
The Japanese fellow just nodded his head.
After the dinner the Japanese fellow was called to
the podium to accept his award.
After giving a 10 minute acceptance speech in perfect
English with no hint of an accent he returned to his
seat at the table.
Leaning over he asked the ole redneck boy;
you likey speechy?

 

••

Useless Knowledge....
Although they were fearless in battle,
Napoleon and Julius Caesar both suffered from
ailurophobia, the severe fear of cats.

 

••

My wife’s best friend sat on my glasses and broke
them.
It was my own fault.
I should have taken them off.

 

••

One morning a hungover teacher was writing on the
blackboard when he let one rip.....
 He quickly turns around and says to the first student he seen,
 "Stop that johnny"
 the student replies, ....."I will sir, but where did it go?"

 

••
Mom Scoldings in the Bible......

10. Sampson, get your hands off of that lion,
you don't know where it's been!
9. David, I told you not to play in the house with
that string!
Go practice your harp.
We pay good money for those lessons.
8. Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside
and get home for supper!
7. Shadrach, Meschach and Abendeco! I told you,
never play with fire!
6. Cain! Get off your brother!
You're going to kill him some day!
5. Noah, no you can' t help them.
Don't bring home any strays.
4. Gideon! Have you been hiding in that wine press
again?..... Look at my clothes.
3. James and John! No more burping at the dinner
table, please.
People are going to call you sons of thunder.
2. Judas! Have you been in my purse again?
1. Jesus! Close the door!
You think you were born in a barn.

 

••

Q: What's another name for a clever duck?
 A: A wise quacker!

 

 

••••

 

☺☺

 

••

♥

 

Useless Knowledge.....
There are 40,000 muscles and tendons in an
elephant’s trunk.
This makes it very strong and flexible, allowing an
elephant to pluck a delicate flower, untie a knot,
or tear a tree out of the ground; yet the trunk is
sensitive enough to smell water 3 miles away.

 

••

A garage mechanic comes out to rescue a broken
down car.
Out of respect for other drivers the mechanic leaves
his hazards on while parked on the side of the road.
The exhaust from the broken down car has fallen off
and needs tying up before the car can be driven onto
the mechanic's trailer.
The mechanic tells the car owner "As it is only
3:00pm I should be able to have the car ready for
you by 5pm".
At 5:10pm the mechanic rings the car owner.
"Sorry I didn't ring you by 5:00pm, but I only got
back to the garage 5 minutes ago.
"Why, what happened?" asked the car owner.
"My vehicle battery went flat, and I had to ring the
garage to ask for another mechanic to come out and
rescue me," replied the mechanic.

 

••

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
My next shit could spell disaster.

 

••

My mama was so cheap, she waited til after
Christmas.
Baby, Santa Claus missed our house.
I called him, and he coming back tomorrow.
She was waiting for the stuff to go on sale.

 

••

Fly in My Soup.......
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
"That's entirely possible.
Our cook used to be a tailor.

 

••
We live in an expanding universe.
All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

 

••

I owe my life to Justin Beiber...
I was in a coma for 2 years, until one of the nurses
played one of his songs for me, and I woke from my
coma just so I could turn that shit off.

•••• 

☺☺

 

••

♥

Breaking News.....
Another celebrity has been suspended at the BBC.
His name has not been released, but he is recognised
by the fact that he featured in many children's programmes wearing a red suit
with white fur trim and liked to sit children on his
lap.
He was arrested and charged at 1 am this morning
trying to gain access to a child's bedroom.
The large sack he was carrying was confiscated and
used in evidence.
His crime of non payment of import duty on toys
brought in from the North Pole is the most serious
 to be dealt with yet.

 

••

I set a personal record on Christmas.
I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time.
I had all the presents back at my apartment,
I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized,
Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.
The paper I used said, Happy Birthday.
I didnt want to waste it, so I just wrote Jesus on it.

 

••

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world
and punch himself in the back of the head.

••

Experts agree that the best type of computer for your
individual needs is the one that comes on the market
about two days after you actually purchase some
other computer.

 

••

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because
I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did
my parents.

 

••

One of the waitresses at the local internet cafe has
gone missing.
Server not found.

 

••

Approximately 105 million bicycles are made every
year. This is double the number of motor cars made
every year.

••

 

•

••

 

 

••

♥

 

Did you hear about the new drink?
It's called a "Hurricane Sandy."
It is a watered down Manhattan.

 

••

I bought my Muslim neighbor
an electric razor for Christmas.
I hope she likes it.

 

••

Q: What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
A: Tinsilitis!

 

••

What do you get if you cross an apple and a banana?
A banapple :)

 

••

I remember last Christmas.....
I had a guy knock on my door, trying to preach to
me about Jesus, saying how I should repent for my
sins.
 My 10-year-old son was still excited and ran to the
door shouting "Santa Claus came to my house!"
 The man looked at me and said "Isn't he a bit old
to believe that there's an invisible man in the sky,
watching everything you do, judging whether you're
good or bad?"
 I looked at him and asked....
"Sorry, which church were you from again?"

 

••

Boss: “Sam, you are still so young.
Why have you lost so much hair.”
Sam: “Yes sir, it's worry and tension.”
Boss: “What worry?”
Sam: “Losing my hair, sir.”

 

••

Q: What do you get if you cross a parrot with a shark?
 A: A bird that will talk you ear off!

 

••

No one believes him, but Gus swears he has the
greatest memory in history:
He remembers going to a party with his father and
going home with his mother.

••

How many cheeses does it take to change a lightbulb
None because they cannot stand the heat.