Thursday, May 31, 2012

Good Morning, Neighbors...
More and more Humingbirds are
coming to the feeders...

Great Grill...Huh!


I Was telling a black guy the other day that I was using my hoe to
dig the weeds.
Had to explain that I wasn't using the wife to cultivate my cannabis

McTavish had been going out with Morag for about two years.
Eventually, he decided to "pop the question".
As the couple sat in a car, watching the sun go down, McTavish
collected enough courage to ask her the most momentous of all
"There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," he began,
"but there comes a time when a man needs companionship of
another being - someone who will regard him as perfect, as an idol,
who will be kind and faithful when times are hard, and who will
share life's joys and sorrows."
McTavish thought he saw a sympathetic gleam in Morag's eyes.
To his delight, she nodded in agreement.
Finally, she responded, "I think its a great idea!
Yes, I can help you choose which puppy to buy..."

I was really unprepared for my big speech on the flight of birds.
So I winged it.

While creating women, God promised men that good and obedient
wives would be found in all corners of the earth.
And then God smiled and made the earth round.

Yo Momma is so fat her idea of a threesome is Neapolitan Ice

After 20 years two college rivals bumped into
each other.
"Do you remember how I used to be so fat and
flabby?' asked the first.
"Well, I've been on an exercise program for a
few years, and now I run marathons."
"That’s great!" replied the other man.
"And," the first man continued, "Do you
remember how I used to be shy and a poor
student? Well, I took a course in public speaking,
and now I make hundreds of thousands of
dollars a year on the lecture circuit."
 "That's great!" came the reply.
"Oh, and how about you?" the first man asked.
"Have you changed at all?"
"Well, yes I have”, replied the second man.
"Remember how brutally honest I used to be,
and how when someone said something
uninteresting, I would reply, 'I couldn't care less?'
"Well now I just say, 'That’s great!"

The Grim Reaper came for me last night , and I beat him off with
a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.

I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and
a guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?"
I didn’t know what to say.
So I said yes.
I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.

Sitting at the bar after a game, Joe said to a club
"I'm not about to play golf with Jim Walsh
"Why not?"
"Well, he found his lost ball two feet from the
"That's possible."
"Not when I had the ball in my pocket!"

I'm starting to worry, my Doctor said I was sound as a dollar!??

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Good Morning... Friends...


This week a solar-powered plane attempted to fly more than 1,500
It was going great until the plane encountered one technical
problem — night.

Dear Sir:
When I subscribed a year ago you stated that if I was not satisfied
at the end of the year I could have my money back.
Well, I would like to have it back.
 On second thought, to save you trouble, please apply it to my next
year's subscription.

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.
In the first room she said she would like a pale blue.
The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it,
and yelled out “GREEN SIDE UP!”
 In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted
in a soft yellow.
He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and
yelled “GREEN SIDE UP!”
The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing.
In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose
The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and
yelled “GREEN SIDE UP!”
 The lady then asked him, “Why do you keep yelling ‘green side up’?”
“I’m sorry,” came the reply.
“But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday.
A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it.
"Oh," said Ole, "I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet."
"How come," asked Lars?
"Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet she can't sing."

An Indiana farmer was once in a nationwide ag tour group.
One of the stops was a large ranch in Texas.
The Texas rancher kept bragging how big his ranch is.
The Indiana farmer, tired of the bragging, finally
asked the Texan "Well, just how big is your ranch?"
The Texan replied "I can get in my pickup in the
morning, spend all day, and never get off my ranch."
The Indiana farmer sez; "Yeah, I had a truck like
that once too.
The junk man finally bought it........"

According to a new book, Mick Jagger used
But he always felt like he was being overcharged.
He said he didn't like to pay them.
That doesn't sound like a rock star, does it?
It sounds more like a Secret Service agent.

The Navy always appealed to me because I always liked the
submarine movies.
My favorite is "The Hunt for Red October" where Sean Connery
played a Russian who had a Scottish accent.

Father: (at hospital looking through glass at newly
arrived babies)
"Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled...
isn't she adorable?"
Friend: "But your kid didn't smile."
Father: "I was talking about the nurse."

I was at a fancy dress party last night when a fat
chick approached me.
 "Hello" she blushed with a giggle, "I fancy you!"
 "It's just a costume luv" I replied,
"I'm not a real giant doughnut."

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Good Morning....Friends.
Had a great Holiday weekend....

Pool Shark ??

Good Friends?


Mrs. Harrison took her three-year-old daughter, Jenny, to church
for the first time.
After arriving, the church lights were lowered, and then the choir
came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles.
There was silence in the entire sanctuary until Jenny's voice was
suddenly heard, loudly singing: "Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday to you..."

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said,
"I've found a man just like Dad!"
 Her mother replied, "So what you want from me, sympathy?"

While taking her driver's test, Sue accidentally put the car into
reverse and backed into the building.
After collecting himself, the tester said, "You can go ahead and
finish the test if you like. 
It'll be good practice for the next time."
Sue was flabbergasted. "Are you saying I've failed?"

While visiting a country school, the chairman of the Board Of
Education became provoked at the noise the unruly students were
making in the next room.
Angrily, he opened the door and grabbed one of the taller boys
who seemed to be doing most of the talking.
He dragged the boy to the next room and stood him in the corner.
A few minutes later, a small boy stuck his head in the room and
pleaded, "Please, sir, may we have our teacher back?"

Bob told his friend, "My wife caught a Peeping Tom last night,
and she'd have killed him if we hadn't stopped her."
"It must have made her very angry, him peeking at her, huh?"
 asked his friend.
"No," said Bob. "That's not what made her the maddest."
"It's not?"
"No," said Bob. "She got mad when he reached in the window and
closed the curtains."

Why does a milking stool only have 3 legs?
Because the cow's got the udder....

Two new studies have found that people who snore have
a higher risk of cancer.
Although in most cases, the spouse will smother them with
the pillow long before the cancer takes them.

I was going through airport security today and the security woman
said, "you have a choice of being groped or photographed nude."
 I replied "Why can't I have both"


Monday, May 28, 2012

Today we celebrate Memorial Day.
It seems to me that a lot of people have lost sight
of the meaning of the day.
Of course everyone gathers together, family and friends,
to have the first burgers and hot dogs of the summer season
at the annual cookout.
This has been done for many, many years and has become
one of our traditions.
When I was a kid, the parade was always a big thing,
lots of bands, flags and soldiers.
The planes flying in formation overhead, what a thrill.
There are, unfortunately no big parades where I am now.
And I always looked forward to getting a poppy.
In fact, I had a Memorial Day red poppy for most of my life..
I always proudly wore it...

The meaning of the word MEMORIAL is to "celebrate or honor
the memory of a person or event..." In the case of our Memorial
Day, it's to honor all of our FALLEN, FATHERS, HUSBANDS,
The tradition of Memorial Day goes back to 1868.
Flowers were placed on the graves of the brave soldiers, that gave
their all during the Civil War, now resting in Arlington Cemetery.
The North and South differed in their ways to honor these men
and didn't come together until after WWI when it was decided
that soldiers of ALL wars would be honored.
Over the course of our history, there have been too many,
but they all died with HONOR.
So, my friends, this upcoming holiday is to HONOR OUR WAR
Please take a moment out of your day to bow your head and say a
silent thank you, or to say a prayer of thanks out loud, visit a
local cemetery and help the vets put flags on the graves.
Just be sure to say THANK YOU to the memories of these great


The Secret Service issued new rules of conduct for their agents on
They can no longer get drunk, procure hookers or go to strip bars.
The rules say that from now on, if agents feel compelled to engage
in such behavior, they can run for public office like everyone else.

A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman
sitting on a bench, passionately kissing.
"Why don't you do that?" said the wife.
"Honey," replied her husband, "I don't even know that woman!"

I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke, please."
Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work.
Waitresses now often respond, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke.
We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb.
"Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd make
life easier.
So one day I simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie theater
for a "dark, carbonated beverage."
The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Sir,
would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?"

A man who owned a piano was sitting at it and attempting to play
it one day when the doorbell rang.
He answered it and saw a man with a toolbox and asked why he
was at his door.
"I'm the piano tuner" he says.
Stunned, he tells him, "I didn't call for a piano tuner".
The man replies, "I know, your neighbors did".

Life is too short,
so smile before you lose all your teeth.

I've heard everyone is joining this new group on Facebook:
"Join If You Know Someone Who Is An Asshole"
I think it's weird how everyone in the group has me as a mutual

What's the difference between pay day and a guy who's lousy in
Payday never comes too early.

My Chinese work-friend came over to stay with me the other week
and when he left he wanted to take back a souvenir to show off to
his friends and family.
 Only problem was, we couldn't actually find one that hadn't been
made by his friends or family.

A new app tells your Facebook friends if you're
not following your diet.
Of course your friends could always figure it out
that other way: looking at your photos on Facebook.

President Obama is calling for more government
reform after JPMorgan's $2 billion loss.
Really, is that what we need — the government
stepping in?
You know what's going to happen?
The government's going to teach them how to
lose $2 billion a DAY!



Sunday, May 27, 2012

Good Morning, Friends..
Hot-Hot this morning...


Walked passed the fridge earlier and thought I heard an onion
singing a Bee Gees song.
But when I opened the fridge door it was just a chive talkin..
I asked the chive if it wanted to be an onion?
It said 'I'm stayin' a chive, stayin' a chive, ah, ah, ah, ah stayin' \
a chiiiiive...

Saw a homeless couple having sex.
I shouted over "For God's sake get a box."

Well I guess I'll go to the plant store and get a pear tree.
Maybe that'll shut that woman up.
It seems like she's not gonna be happy until I grow a pear.

I don't get creationists.
They can't grasp the concept of an ape like
creature evolving into a man, yet they have no
problem with a rib turning into a woman.
Apparently towels are the biggest cause of dry skin.

After three years of marriage, Kim was still
questioning her husband about his lurid past.
"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth
time, "how many women have you slept with?"
"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a
Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and
convinced her hubby to tell her.
"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six,
seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."
He will be out of the hospital next month...

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the
earth.....After that, everything else was Made in

Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride.
They had brought along bananas for lunch.
Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long,
dark tunnel.
"Have you eaten your banana yet," Ole asked excitedly?
"No," replied Lars..
"Vell, don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed.
"I yust took vun bite and vent blind!"

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene,
but that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly

I met a girl in the pub.
We chatted and got drunk and I ended up at hers.
"Listen" I said, "I'm not very experienced and when I'm with a
girl for the first time I do suffer from a bit of premature ejaculation."
"Well we can take it slow, babe," she winked.
"How premature?"
"Remember earlier in the pub, when you asked me about sex?"

After the holidays and all those delightful, seasonal treats,
a husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tells your
fortune and weight.
 He drops in a coin and eagerly reads the results.
"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card.
"It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and an absolutely great
lover in bed!"
 "Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too!"


Saturday, May 26, 2012

Good Morning, Friends and Neighbors....
Well, it's Memorial day weekend...
The unofficial start of summer here....
And it's gonna be a heat wave...Hot-Hot..

This is not Awesome.....

Someone is mighty sleepy....


A Pakistani doctor who helped the CIA hunt for Osama bin Laden
has been convicted of high treason in Pakistan.
He was sentenced to 33 years in prison for helping us.
Think how much worse the sentence would have been if Pakistan
wasn't our ally.

So Moses is up on Mount Sinai and he says to God, "God,
do I have a pounding headache!"
And God says, "Here, take these two tablets."

A new report just came out and it claims that good cholesterol
may not be as beneficial as previously thought.
This is really bad news for Domino's new good-cholesterol-stuffed

The Miss Universe pageant was last weekend and the transgender
Miss Canada did not win.
Apparently judges were not impressed by her talent —
having an Adam's apple.

A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a
small town and went to a bar.
He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar.
As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke
After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry
American Indian stomped up to him and said, "One more remark
like that and I'll smash your face in!"
After months of searching, I finally got a job!
It is in a call center.
I'm excited to finally get a job.
However, I'm not sure if I can handle the commute.
India is pretty far from my house.

A man asked his neighbor, who had just returned from a weekend
outdoors, "Did you fish with flies?"
"Fish with them?" he asked, "We fished with them, camped with
them, ate with them, and slept with them.."

The aged patient doddered into the doctor's office with a serious
"Doc, you've got to do something to lower my sex drive."
"Come on now Mr. Hey," the doctor said, "your sex drives all in
your head."
"Thats what I mean, you've got to lower it a little."

Only six passengers will be allowed to make calls
at one time, which seems like too many.
But Virgin said it will only be used for important
calls, like calling to say, "Guess where I'm calling
Yeah, the plane.
I'm calling from the plane."

Gore and his girlfriend were spotted taking long
walks on the beach, measuring how much the sea
is rising.
The Justice Department has launched a probe
into JPMorgan's $2.3 billion loss.
I believe it's called "Operation wink, nod, and look
the other way."

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at
a Traffic Warden's funeral, a voice from inside
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead....... Let me out!"
The Vicar smiled, leaned forward sucking air
through his teeth and muttered:
"Too  late pal, the paperworks already done"

What is red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.

Obama is using the one good thing about his
presidency as a campaign issue, the killing of
bin Laden.
Unfortunately, he fails to mention how he also
helped to kill the economy
New research shows that eating organic foods can make people
more arrogant and judgmental.
In fact, eating just one handful of organic bean sprouts has the
same effect as driving 1,000 miles in a Prius.

Friday, May 25, 2012

Good Morning.. Friends.
Ready for the Holiday weekend..?

See what ya get......

First place prize....


Congratulations to former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi.
The city of San Francisco has named a street after her today.
It's called Botox Avenue.

Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he grumbled,
Vell, dere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!"

Sven asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norvegian
and a canoe?"
"No, I don't," said Ole
"A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Sven.

A man went to a medical clinic for an
While the technician was lining up her machine,
he told her he has dextrocardia.
"What's that?" she asked.
"It means my heart is on the right side of my chest
rather than on the left," he answered.
"You should set up your machine to accommodate
As she attached the wires, she asked casually,
"Tell me, have you had that for long?

What will today’s younger generation tell their
children they had to do “without”?
A guy walks into a bar with a small dog.
The bartender says, "Get out of here with that
The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog...
this dog can play the piano!"
The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that
piano, you both can stay... and have a drink on
the house!"
So the guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and
the dog starts playing. Ragtime, Mozart... and
the bartender and patrons are enjoying the music.
Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small
dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out.
The bartender asks the guy, "What was that all
The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother.
She wanted him to be a doctor."
I'm such a lousy singer, I've been told it's better
to put it in writing ..
Al Gore has a new girlfriend.
Apparently, it's getting pretty serious.
He's already been over to bore her parents.

Virgin Atlantic announced that on a select number
of flights, passengers will be able to use their
cellphones to make calls.
I think I would honestly rather they filled the
plane with killer bees than allow this.

I used to hate red lights before text messages was