☺☺

 

☺☺

♥

 

Chad wasn't too happy with his doctor's recommendation
to cure his constant fatigue.
"You want me to give up sex completely, Doc?" he cried.
"I'm a young guy.
I'm in the prime of my life.
How do you expect me to give up sex and go cold turkey?"
"Well," replied the doctor,
"you could get married and taper off gradually."

 

••

I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No.... YOU'VE been drinking.

 

••

The Secret Service issued new rules of conduct for
agents Friday:
1. You can no longer get drunk..
2. Procure hookers..
3. Frequent GoGos or strip bars.
Addendum: The rules also say that from now on,
if agents feel compelled to engage in such behavior,
they can run for public office like everyone else.....

 

••

Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side.

 

••

Chuck Norris doesn't brush his teeth, he scares the
plaque off each morning by snarling in the mirror.

 

•• 

Guy Fieri sisters name is Girl Fieri...
 

••
Ratings................
 You say you are buying her a new vehicle......................  +10
 ..........It's a pickup truck........................................................-5
 ..........With the license plate GR8 LAY...............................-10
 You cook her a meal.............................................................+5
 .........It's a packaged meal.....................................................-2
 .........It's still in the packet when you serve it.....................-5
 You go to buy her panty liners............................................+3
 ..........In the snow...................................................................+5
 ..........You return with beer...................................................-10
 You check out a suspicious noise at night.......................+2
 ...........It turns out to be nothing..........................................+1
 ...........It turns out to be something.....................................+3
 ...........You pummel it with a six-iron............................ ......+10
 ...........It turns out to be your pet..........................................-10
 At a party, you stay by her side the whole time.................+3
 ............You leave to chat with a college buddy..................-2
 .............Named Amber.............................................................-4
 ............Amber is an exotic dancer.........................................-6
 ............Amber has implants....................................................-8

 

•• 

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

 

•• 

Always take a good look at what you're about to eat.
It's not so important to know what it is,
but it's critical to know what it was.

 

••

I don't really like to brag.
But I'm about 1/2 tough my damn self.
I got Second Place in every damn fight I have ever had...

 

••••

 

 

☺☺

 

☺☺

♥

My New Year's resolution?
Option A - lose weight.
Option B - Buy bigger jeans.

 

•• 

 I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in
case a cat burglar breaks in.

 

••

 [Barnes and Noble]
 CASHIER: anything else?
 ME: four barns and your finest noble please
 CASHIER: get out.....

••
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than
looking up from your phone to realise she's left.
She obviously wasn't blind at all.

 

••

*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you're not going to believe this.....
 

••
[job interview]
 "What's your greatest weakness?"
 I'm always hungry
 "That's not what I-"
 *takes out a cake* Also, I don't like to share..

 

•• 

I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me
an encyclopedia.
That speaks volumes.....

••
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We're at the beach!
Me: Look! I'm in your house!

 

••

I'm allergic to bears.
One bear bite and it's straight to the ER for me.

 

••

why don't foot fetishists ever win anything?
because they like the taste of defeat.

 

••

Last night when I was in bed with the wife, she asked me
what I'd most like to do to her body.
Apparently, "Identify it" wasn't the answer she was after.

 

••••

 

 

☺☺

 

☺☺

♥

 

I'm my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds
of people tied for second place.

 

•• 

A really brutally ugly guy walked up to a girl, squeezed her
arse and said, "Give me your number, sexy".
The girl replied "Have you got a pen"?
The guy smiled and said "Yes of course".
She replied, "Well you better get back to it,
before the farmer notices you're missing".

 

•• 

"Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it,
now put it back with the rest"...
me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine's Day...

 

••

No thanks Cupid.......
If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats,
I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.

 

••

After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the
Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit
was "Elevator Buttons."

 

••

People who fall asleep quickly, freak me out.
I mean don't they have thoughts?

 

••

The groundhog in our town died on Sunday.
I can't imagine how long our winter will be now. 

 

••

Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than
packaged balloons?....... It's just air!"
Exactly..
"What?"
It's inflation..
"I hate you"..

 

••

Trump wants to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese.
He wants to make America grate again.

 

••••

 

 

☺☺

 

☺☺

♥

 

I just ate a salad that was so bad,
Nicolas Cage is starring in a movie about it.
 

••
Census Taker: 'How many children do you have?'
Woman: 'Four.'
Census Taker: 'May I have their names, please?'
Woman: 'Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George.'
Census Taker: 'Okay, that's fine.
But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?'
Woman: 'Because we didn't want any Moe.'

 

••

If school isn't the place to sleep,
then home isn't the place to study.

 

••

ME: I cant make it in today..
 BOSS: again? why?
 M: my car died
 B: that's the same excuse you used yesterday..
 M: yeah but today's the funeral.....
 

••
 [emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what's causing you the most pain
ME: I can't, they're at home playing xbox...
 

••
"WE HERE AT BIG PHARMA RECOGNIZE THAT WHEN
YOU'RE DEPENDENT ON ADDICTIVE OPIOID
PAINKILLERS YOUR BIGGEST PROBLEM IS YOU
CAN'T POOP"......
 

••
My mother said, "You won't amount to anything
because you procrastinate."
I said, "Just wait."

••

Room service: "I've brought up your breakfast sir."
Guest, lifting lid: "Yes, it looks like you have."

 

••

 911,what's your emergency?
 - I'm out of beer!
 - That's no emergency.
 - Chest pain?
 - We'll send an ambulance.
 - Make sure they bring beer.

 

••

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun
formation, or monster trucks.
 

••
If you won't/don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,
don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.....
 

••••

 

☺☺

 

••

♥

High school kids, these awful years are going to end up
being the best years of your life.
That's how much everything else sucks.

 

••

Back in my day, we didn’t have Twitter, Facebook, or even
the internet.
Guys would have to walk in the snow for miles to tell me
that I’m gay.

 

••

Him: I'm sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself,
and this time I'll keep walking.

 

•• 

Instead of complaining that it’s hard to remove glitter,
accept it. Embrace it.
You are a shiny person now.

 

••

Must be nice to get married and finally know who the
number one suspect in your murder case will be.

 

••

Why do I post on the blog?
Well I was sick of only being hated by coworkers and family,
so I wanted to branch out.

 

•• 

Whoever came up with "whoever smelt it dealt it" found
a clever way to pass the blame......

 

••

I think we should elect Bernie.
When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have
heart attacks and die.
 

••
Here's another great thing about hot tubs
[pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under
the water]

 

••

Scientists invented a machine to catch thieves.
In 30 minutes in Canada the machine caught 10 thieves,
in 15 minutes in the U.S the machine caught 5 thieves,
in 3 minutes in Trinidad thieves stole the machine.

 

••

A cemetery has raised it's charges blaming the
increase on the cost of living...

 

••••