Down Hummingbird Lane

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My New Year's resolution?
Option A - lose weight.
Option B - Buy bigger jeans.

 

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 I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in
case a cat burglar breaks in.

 

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 [Barnes and Noble]
 CASHIER: anything else?
 ME: four barns and your finest noble please
 CASHIER: get out.....

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There are few things more awkward on a blind date than
looking up from your phone to realise she's left.
She obviously wasn't blind at all.

 

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*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you're not going to believe this.....
 

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[job interview]
 "What's your greatest weakness?"
 I'm always hungry
 "That's not what I-"
 *takes out a cake* Also, I don't like to share..

 

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I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me
an encyclopedia.
That speaks volumes.....

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On Facebook:
Them: Look! We're at the beach!
Me: Look! I'm in your house!

 

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I'm allergic to bears.
One bear bite and it's straight to the ER for me.

 

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why don't foot fetishists ever win anything?
because they like the taste of defeat.

 

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Last night when I was in bed with the wife, she asked me
what I'd most like to do to her body.
Apparently, "Identify it" wasn't the answer she was after.

 

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