Down Hummingbird Lane

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I just ate a salad that was so bad,
Nicolas Cage is starring in a movie about it.
 

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Census Taker: 'How many children do you have?'
Woman: 'Four.'
Census Taker: 'May I have their names, please?'
Woman: 'Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George.'
Census Taker: 'Okay, that's fine.
But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?'
Woman: 'Because we didn't want any Moe.'

 

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If school isn't the place to sleep,
then home isn't the place to study.

 

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ME: I cant make it in today..
 BOSS: again? why?
 M: my car died
 B: that's the same excuse you used yesterday..
 M: yeah but today's the funeral.....
 

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 [emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what's causing you the most pain
ME: I can't, they're at home playing xbox...
 

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"WE HERE AT BIG PHARMA RECOGNIZE THAT WHEN
YOU'RE DEPENDENT ON ADDICTIVE OPIOID
PAINKILLERS YOUR BIGGEST PROBLEM IS YOU
CAN'T POOP"......
 

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My mother said, "You won't amount to anything
because you procrastinate."
I said, "Just wait."

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Room service: "I've brought up your breakfast sir."
Guest, lifting lid: "Yes, it looks like you have."

 

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 911,what's your emergency?
 - I'm out of beer!
 - That's no emergency.
 - Chest pain?
 - We'll send an ambulance.
 - Make sure they bring beer.

 

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Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun
formation, or monster trucks.
 

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If you won't/don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,
don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.....
 

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