☺☺

 

☺☺

♥

When Alexander Graham Bell invented the
telephone, he had 3 missed calls from
Chuck Norris.

 

••

People say I'm a procrastinator...
I dunno if it's true though.
I'll let everyone know tomorrow.

 

•• 

A man goes to a doctor and says: "Doctor, my
wife recently has lost her voice.
What should I do to help her get it back?"
 The doctor replies, "Try coming home at 3 in
the morning!" 

 

•• 

I won't be getting any little trick-or-treaters this
Halloween.
I boarded up my windows and spray painted
"pedo scum lives here" on my front door.

 

••

If you count all of the undersea war craft the US
Navy has, you will never come up with a total..
You will only come up with a sub total.
 

••
Walked into Walmart the other day,
and while passing through the sliding glass doors
there is a sign that reads, "Layway now available
until December 15th".
(Cause everybody knows after Good Friday the
good stuff at Family Dollar is gone).

 

••

To keep your marriage brimming
 With love in the loving cup,
 Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
 Whenever you’re right, shut up.

 

••

A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat
in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask
her if she needed me to hold her purse.

••
While passing through the sporting goods
section, I noticed they were selling camouflage
footballs.
Camouflage footballs.....
Wow. Must be the Tom Brady line.

 

••

Customer: When I bought this cat,
you told me he was good for mice.
He doesn’t go near them!
Shopkeeper: Well, isn’t that good for mice?

••••

 

••

 

••

♥

The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide
ion is CN-.
These are also Chuck Norris' initials.
This is not a coincidence.

 

••

A policeman pulled me over as I drove through
the red-light district.
He said, "Looking for a good time were we, sir?"
I said, "Why, how much do you charge?"

 

••

‘If more than one mouse is mice,
 then more than one Spouse is Spice.’

 

•• 

Women are like Fruits…
Every one has its unique colour, shape, aroma
and taste….
Problem is with men…!
They want....FRUIT SALAD..!!

 

••

Her: For once I'd like a man to just sweep me
off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around
forehead*
 

••
Definition of honeymoon:
 a man’s last holiday
 before he starts working
 for a new boss !!

 

••

I said to my wife, "Please get me a newspaper."
"Don't be silly," she replied, "you can borrow my
iPad."
That spider never knew what the hell hit it.

 

••

Well our worst fears have been confirmed this
morning, my wife is allergic to our Springer
Spaniel.
I know this isn't a re homing site, but could
somebody please find it in their heart to help her
out and find her a new home?
Her name is Claire and she is 45!!

 

••

Me: I feel skinnier today!
Scale: Nope.

 

••

My wife told me that I am very cynical.
That's totally not true, and I don't trust or believe
her anyway.

 

••••

 

••

Someone has two much time on their hands....

Just taking it easy with my pet......

 

••

♥

If you ever feel like a complete moron never
forget that  I managed to text my wife today
that she forgot her mobile at home.
You're welcome.

 

••

We've produced Miley Cyrus and Kanye West…

I'm surprised that other countries haven't built
a wall around the U.S.

 

••

The Surgeon General said more Americans

should start going on walks.
Then to everyone's surprise, he added,
"Even if you're just going out to have a smoke."

 

••

For her birthday, my wife said "I want something

that goes around my finger and is sparkly."
She'll love the LED yo-yo I got her.

 

••

Did you hear about the baby that was born in a

high tech. hospital?
It came out cordless!

 

••

My local supermarket uses four checkout lanes.

Unless it's really busy, then they use one.

 

•• 

Some choices are easier than others:

An emergency doctor's appt vs a much needed
hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.

 

••

Enjoying her vacation in Hawaii, Lisa called a

café to make reservations for 7 P.M.
Checking her book, the cheery hostess said,
"I'm sorry, but all we have is 6:45.
Would you like that?"
"That's fine, " Lisa said.
"Okay," the woman confirmed.
Then she added, "Just be advised that you may
have to wait 15 minutes for your table."

 

••

 [5-year-old and 3-year-old screaming at each

other]
Me: Is that how your mom and I settle
arguments?
5: You want me to sleep on the couch?

 

••

 

ATMs should have breathalyzers...

 

••••

☺☺

 

••

♥

Scott Walker is dropping out of the Presidential
race.
In a nationwide poll of likely voters nearly 98%
responded to the news with, "Who?"

 

••

I am so used to automatic doors at work that
when I come across one I have to physically
open I just stand there like a dummy..

 

••

I know we just got divorced, but would you mind
showing my girlfriend how to make an omelet ]
the way I like them?

 

••

Two seagulls fly over a race track.
One says "Look, there's a race down below!"
Other one says " I'm gonna put everything I
got on number 5."

 

••

 [watching "Cinderella"]
5-year-old: Why does she keep cleaning the
floors?
Me: Her stepsisters make her.
5: She should just buy a Roomba.

 

••

Plot idea: 97% of the world's scientists contrive
an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a
plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.

 

••

The Rock is going to have a kid, which they'll
name Pebbles.

 

••

I can beat anybody in a fight with only one hand.
It's the two-handed dudes who beat the shit out
of me.

 

••

I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago
and now I'm teaching her that whistling can lead
to adoption.....

••
Did you hear about the disaster at Texas A&M?
The scientists were cloning monkeys and one
of them blew up.
The scientists are trying to determine what went
wrong by sifting through the Rhesus' pieces.

 

••••

••

 

••

♥

It takes a car 30 years to become vintage.
It takes a phone 30 days.
••
Calm down penguins.
You're just a flashy suit and a few body parts
away from being a platypus.

 

•• 

I hate when I shape my hand like a phone to tell
someone to call me, but they're in their 20s
and don't know what phones used to look like.

 

•• 

I was standing at a urinal taking a pee when I
realized standing to my left was Muhammad ali
and to my right was Michael J. Fox...
bad day to wear sandals.

 

••

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way
to make sure you are removing a weed and not
a valuable plant is to pull on it.
If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a
valuable plant.

 

••

You read about all these terrorists — most of
them came here legally, but they hung around on
these expired visas, some for as long as
10 -15 years.
Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two
days late with a video and those people are all
over you.
Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration…

 

••

A man who suffered from impotence went to
see a doctor.
The doctor gave him a revolutionary new
injection made from monkey glands, which
worked perfectly.
Nine months and two weeks later, his wife had
a baby.
When the nurse came out of the delivery room
with the news, he asked, "Is it a boy or a girl?"
"We won't know until we can get it down off
the chandelier."

 

••

I just made 20 bucks!
I redeemed 40,000 coupons valued at 1/20 of
a cent each...

 

••

Came downstairs to watch the game and the
channel had changed.
Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly
slid his paw off the remote.

 

••

One day Dan asks Bob, "So Bob what did you
get for Christmas?"
Then Bob says to Dan, "Oh see that brand new
red Ferrari outside?"
Dan says, "OOOOH WOW!!!"
Bob says, "Ya, I got the same exact color tie!"

 

••

Wife said; I value my husband's opinion....
till it differs from mine. Lol...

••••