Down Hummingbird Lane

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Scott Walker is dropping out of the Presidential
race.
In a nationwide poll of likely voters nearly 98%
responded to the news with, "Who?"

 

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I am so used to automatic doors at work that
when I come across one I have to physically
open I just stand there like a dummy..

 

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I know we just got divorced, but would you mind
showing my girlfriend how to make an omelet ]
the way I like them?

 

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Two seagulls fly over a race track.
One says "Look, there's a race down below!"
Other one says " I'm gonna put everything I
got on number 5."

 

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 [watching "Cinderella"]
5-year-old: Why does she keep cleaning the
floors?
Me: Her stepsisters make her.
5: She should just buy a Roomba.

 

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Plot idea: 97% of the world's scientists contrive
an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a
plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.

 

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The Rock is going to have a kid, which they'll
name Pebbles.

 

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I can beat anybody in a fight with only one hand.
It's the two-handed dudes who beat the shit out
of me.

 

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I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago
and now I'm teaching her that whistling can lead
to adoption.....

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Did you hear about the disaster at Texas A&M?
The scientists were cloning monkeys and one
of them blew up.
The scientists are trying to determine what went
wrong by sifting through the Rhesus' pieces.

 

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