♣♣

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♥

"If you don't know where you are going, any road 

will take you there."

       -- Lewis Carroll

••

According to serving sizes, tonight I'm a family 

of 4.....

•• 

A car was involved in an accident. 

As expected a large crowd gathered.

A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story, 

could not get near the car.

Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, 

Let me through!

Let me through! 

I am the son of the victim.

The crowd made way for him.

Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

••

Naps are for old people..... 

I was taking a horizontal life pause. 

••

I've just got my son a flat piece of cardboard 

for Christmas. 

Although what he wants with an ex box I'll never 

know.  

••

I'm trying to initiate a neighborhood watch 

program but the damn neighbors keep closing 

their blinds.  

••

If factions speak louder than words, 

then why is it the thought that counts? 

••

My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner... 

the same way I react when my wife says 

"We need to talk". 

••

Senior trying to set a password: 

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password. 

USER: cabbage 

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more 

than 8 characters. 

USER: boiled cabbage 

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 

numerical character. 

USER: 1 boiled cabbage 

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have 

blank spaces. 

USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages 

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at 

least one upper case character. 

USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages 

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use 

more than one upper case character consecutively. 

USER:50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYour

AssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow! 

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain 

punctuation. 

USER:ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbages

ShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in 

use.....

•• 

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy,

but you'll never convince me that a chicken fried 

this rice.....

••

Just used my phone to record my wife snoring. 

She'd kill me if I ever played this in front of her 

friends. 

So... I guess this is goodbye. 

••

We found out today how many people it takes to 

hold me down for a flu shot.

••••

••

••

♥

A mother was teaching her three-year-old 

daughter The Lord's Prayer. 

For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it 

after her mother. 

One night she said she was ready to solo. 

The mother listened with pride, as she carefully 

enunciated each word right up to the end.

"And lead us not into temptation," she prayed, 

"but deliver us some e-mail, Amen".

••

Q: How many musicians does it take to screw in 

a lightbulb? 

A: One, two, one, two, three, four!

••

While giving a physical the doctor noticed that 

his patient's shins were covered with dark bruises. 

"Tell me," said the doctor, "do you play hockey 

or soccer?" 

"Neither," said the man. 

"My wife and I play bridge."

••

Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a 

dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS. 

••

I haven't run out of receipt yet.

Teacher: "What is the chemical formula for water?" 

Student: "HIJKLMNO." 

Teacher: "What are you talking about?" 

Student: "Yesterday you said it's H to O!" 

••

At 14 I asked my dad about a tattoo. 

He said ok as long as I got it someplace that 

doesn't matter. 

So I got it in Detroit. 

••

Couple waiting at the bus stop. 

bus comes... 

guy gets on.... 

couple right behind him. 

guy holds up five fingers. 

bus driver holds up ten fingers 

guy holds both hands on his chest 

bus driver grabs crotch 

guy puts hand on ass and wipes upward, 

and gets off the bus. 

Couple asked what was that all about!!!! 

Bus driver said he was deaf, and asked me if the 

fare was five cents. (holding up five fingers) 

I told him no it was ten cents. 

(holding up ten fingers) 

Guy asked me if I was going by the milk factory, 

(holding both hands on his chest) 

Bus driver said no I am going by the ball park. 

(bus driver grabing his crotch) 

Guy puts hand on ass and wipes upward. 

Guy was saying "shit I am on the wrong bus!" 

••

The urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is only 

ever a whim away. 

••

Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my 

neighbor cutting the grass. 

He can cut around me, I'm not movin'. 

••

Got to admire these NFL players who are so 

committed to their jobs of beating the shit out of 

people that they do it even in their off time. 

••

If your Dog gets a lousy education 

he'll be poor and will always be begging for food..

••

What’s the difference between an enzyme and 

a hormone? 

You can’t hear an enzyme.  

••

I'm not sending Christmas cards this year, 

what with the economy and all. 

Mostly I'm just lazy, but blaming the economy is 

so much more fun.

••••

••

••

♥

Osama Bin Laden was living with 3 wives in one 

compound and never left the house for 5 years. 

It is now believed he called the Navy Seals himself.

•• 

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face 

turns red and she begins to make those familiar 

grunting noises.

••

I went for a run but came back home after 5 

minutes because I forgot something. 

I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than 

5 minutes. 

••

Q: How do you know if an Asian tried to rob your 

house? 

A: You get home and your maths homework is 

done, your computer is upgraded, and two hours 

later He is still trying to back out of your driveway.

•• 

Today, I had an interview for a job as a ninja. 

I didn't show up...got the job. 

••

Probably should not have driven home from the 

bar last night.. especially considering 

I walked there. 

••

Whenever a stranger asks our baby's name, 

I always say he hasn't told us yet. 

••

My nephews got a camera phone; hes 10 years old. 

Which sucks for him because I cant imagine what 

it must be like for him to go through a 5th grade 

math class with a device in his pocket that can 

answer all of lifes questions and show him 

pictures of titties in high definition. 

You want this kid to pay attention in class? 

He doesnt have attention deficit, hes got titties in 

his pocket. 

•• 

Female Viagra has been around for years. 

It's called money. 

••

Obesity runs in the Jim's family. 

Well, actually it just sort of sits there on the 

couch eating another pint of Ben and Jerry's. 

••

Mr. Jacobson played hooky from the pressures 

of his job and went skiing. 

But no sooner did he reach the slopes than he 

heard an ominous rumbling: avalanche! 

He jumped into a cave just before it was engulfed 

by snow. 

He used his lighter to start a fire and soon was 

cozy and warm in his snow cave. 

Hours later, a rescue team saw smoke curling 

from the cave and investigated. 

One rescuer yelled, "Anyone in there? 

It's the Red Cross." 

Jacobson yelled back, 

"Shove off...... 

I gave at the office!" 

••

My dog is like one of the family... 

and I'm not saying which one.

••

••

♥

"I dropped the ball." 

things you never wanna hear during a vasectomy..

•• 

America's Most Wanted" is set to return to the 

airwaves with an NFL edition. 

••

When I walked into the house, 

the dog was so happy to see me he kept licking 

me and wagging his tail. 

Easiest robbery...ever! 

••

A guy wants to become a magician so he goes 

out and buys a magician book. 

Later he gathers his family around the living 

room for his first trick. 

Reading his new book he reaches into a bag and 

pulls out a hammer and to the amazement of his 

family hits himself in the head with it. 

He's unconscious and spends a month in the 

hospital. 

Suddenly a nurse notices his eye lids flicker. 

She calls the family in and they gather around his 

bed. 

Just then he sits up in bed awake and says...

"TA-DA!"

••

A teacher asks the children to discuss what their 

fathers do for a living. 

Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. 

He puts the bad guys in jail." 

Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. 

He makes all the sick people better." 

All the kids in the class had their turn except 

Little Johnny. 

Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?" 

Johnny says: "My Dad is dead." 

"I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before 

he died?" 

"He turned blue and shit on the carpet."

•• 

We will be old friends 'til we are senile... 

then we can be new friends...

••

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant 

brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman 

was a bit dismayed. 

"Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"

"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.

"I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. 

"What is it now....

••

I always say what I mean... 

I just don't always mean to say it out loud. 

••

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a 

vulture? 

A: Wings.

••

"A man can sleep around, no questions asked, 

but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty 

mistakes she's a tramp."

       -- Joan Rivers

••

Why don't little girls fart?

They don't have assholes til they are married...

••

Don't think that just because your ex-wife 

is dead that all your troubles are over. 

They're not. 

You still got to clean up the crime scene...

•• 

Got my flu shot at the Krogers pharmacy today. 

Next week I'm having surgery at Costco. 

••

I haven't reached my "Use By" date, 

but I might be past my "Best Before" date. 

••

2 golfers on the first tee discussing their bet. 

First guy says he will bet $100 and 2 gotchas 

that he wins the match. 

The other, who is a scratch golfer, gladly accepts 

the bet knowing the other guy stands no chance 

of winning.

The first guy drives his first shot off the fairway 

into the woods. 

The scratch golfer tees up, takes his practice 

swing, takes the club head back and feels and 

intense pain in his groin. 

He looks down only to see the first guys driver 

between his legs. 

He looks up and says, "What the heck." 

The other guy, with a big evil grin on his face 

says."......GOTCHA!!"

••

My wife is a big tennis fan, she tells me how 

disgusting she finds the constant grunting during 

the women's matches. 

I promised her I'd try to stop. 

••••

# 2470

••

••

♥

"No boots on the ground' statement

made by Obama has resulted in him issuing 

golf shoes to all soldiers. 

•• 

Not quite true, that myth about raw oysters 

increasing your potency. 

I ate a dozen and only nine of them worked. 

••

I don't normally poop with the door open, 

but I didn't want to miss the in flight movie.

••

Grow your own dope... 

Plant a politician..

  

••

My coworker just took a broom and pole vaulted 

over the cubicle partition to confront the woman 

who accused her of being on speed.

••

Gus: Perfect weather tonight.

Me: Tell me something I don't know.

Gus: Butterflies taste with their feet.

Me: Fair enough.

••

When Joe, a nice man married for over 50 years 

died, his wife, Myrtle was devastated. 

A couple of months later, Myrtle also died.

Once in heaven, Myrtle anxiously looked for Joe. 

Suddenly, behind a Cloud, she could clearly see 

him with another woman.

She ran towards him, calling his name, "Joe. 

Darling, Joe"

Joe said, "Hold your horses woman, and don't 

give me that 'darling' sh*t. 

The deal was very clear: 'Until death do us part'."

••

Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?

Well, I'm guessing it's because the other fifty 

percent can't afford lawyers.

••

I bought my wife a belt and bag for Christmas. 

Hopefully they'll make the vacuum cleaner work 

better. 

••

A sick patient asked his doctor, ''Flu?''

The doctor replied, ''No, I came on my bicycle 

actually!''

••

An old lady went at an art exhibition in a newly 

opened gallery. 

One of the contemporary paintings caught her eye 

and she inquired of the tour guide, 

“What on earth is that?”

He smiled condescendingly. 

“That, dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and 

child.”

“Well, then,” snapped the little old lady, 

“why isn’t it?”

••••